Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Dealing with angry adult skids

Posted by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 3:26 PM
  • 7 Replies

They're not actually my skids - their dad and I have been together for 4 years. He divorced BM 4.5 yrs ago. His kids (DD27, DS30, DD33) have totally frozen me out. Will not meet me or have anything to do w/me - won't even come to extended family events if I'm there. They were shocked and furious when dad separated from and divorced their mom who has struggled w/severe mental illness over last 20 yrs. Dad is beginning to repair relationships w/2 daughters but has no relationship w/son who will not let dad back into his life unless he leaves me.

Anyone else experience anything like this?

by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 3:26 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-7):
saywhat2102
by Gold Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 3:37 PM
Did you have anything at all to do with the divorce?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
JacyB
by Bronze Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 3:37 PM
You're not "dealing" with them, they've cut their father off because they don't agree with his actions. Maybe they find him morally reprehensible and don't want that kind of person in their lives. Maybe they feel betrayed . Why they've cut him off is irrelevant though, what's important is that you leave them alone and respect their boundaries.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
DDDaysh
by on Feb. 13, 2013 at 3:39 PM

 I have a few family members that are on the other end of this.  Marriage vows include "for better or worse" and children who see their mother as being abandoned because of illness are probably not going to think kindly of their father. 

The fact that he decided to begin a relationship with you so quickly after the divorce will only compound the problem.  There is little chance they will warm up to you any time soon, and frankly, it might be hopeless for you even if they do patch things up with their father. 

In the two analogous situations I know of, the first significant other after the separation was never accepted. 

In one situation, the children eventually accepted their fathers actions, and even if they didn't forgive him, moved past it - but that probably took at least a decade to acheive, and even longer to accept him with a signifcant other. 

In the other situation, it took even more time for the children to accept the separation and they never did accept the new significant other. 

I don't know what advice I have for you other than to stay out of it.  Your boyfriend will need to understand how his children view his actions and make amends if he has behaved badly or gently explain his point of view if he stands by those decisions.  Only after he has repaired his relationship with his children can there be any contemplation of including you within that familial relationship. 

saywhat2102
by Gold Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 3:44 PM

But, then again that's neither here nor there really. Its been 4 years and the girls are starting to deal with their dad again. It may take a lot longer for his son.

My advice is to stay out of it. Maybe next family get together stay at home. Let him be with his kids. Maybe in time they might want to include you maybe not.

They are grown but respect the relationship your husband is trying to rebuild with his children. That relationship does not include you. It is theirs and theirs alone


Quoting saywhat2102:

Did you have anything at all to do with the divorce?


RMCmata
by Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 5:11 PM
I'm a cod and it was very hard for me, still is. I was 27 when my parents divorced. Ppl might think it's easier on adult children, but that wasn't the case for me. My whole life was now different. Holidays birthdays and important events were now complicated. I understand the hurt both parents felt plus (having gone thru my own divorce) know the financial stran my mom was now in (dad was the bread winner). It is very hard to see or hear about my dads new life. Because I knew how bad mom hurt and struggled. I have a strand relationship with my dad and I'm just now starting to repair it. My advice is it's not about you and as much as it might hurt take a step back. Let dad and his kids work it out. It's a very complicated situation with a ton of emotions that no one knows how to handle. Just remember adult kids don't need a sm. Especially if the divorce happened when the kids are older than 21. I know for me all I need to know about my dad's gf is that she takes care of him and loves him. We don't need to be friends or have a relationship.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 5:15 PM

I agree with the others. It's not about  you. They are working through their feelings about their father's decisions. I would give it more time. And like someone else suggested, stay away from those family events if it makes more trouble.

RMCmata
by Member on Feb. 13, 2013 at 5:16 PM
1 mom liked this
Also, you can't expect them to start a relationship with you when their relationship with their dad isn't right.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)