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Need help dealing with BM!?!?!

Posted by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 9:17 AM
  • 65 Replies

My husband and I have 3 children all together.  He has a 8 year old daughter, I have a 7 year old son, and we have a 3 month old daughter together.  We have had a lot of issues dealing with my SD's mother.  When they divorced the court ordered my husband only 2 weekends a month ( he works out of town for 2 weeks at a time and then is off 2 weeks).  A majority of the time we have her most of the 2 weeks he is off even though she lives in a different school district because my husband is able to drop her off and pick her up from school.  It always seems as though we can only have her when it is convenient to her mother.  She had just started working in August as LPN, this is pretty much the first time she has ever had a job since SD was born.  So when she is working during the week she is more than willingly to allow us to have her so she does not have to worry about doing homework and such.  After she got fired (from her 2nd job since August) she did not want us to have her, only when it was convenient to her and would not set a schedule.  She feels as though she is being "nice" by allowing us to get her even though it is not CO but it always comes at a price. 

For example, my husband pays her $989 a month in CS and $500 a month in alimony.  To me that is quite a generous amount of money , he pays 89% she pays 11%.  At the time this amount was set they had put her at working a minmum wage job because she was in school and her income has probably tripled since she has became an LPN.  We also provide school clothes, shoes, backpack, food etc while she is at our house 30-40%.  Well BM recieved a school lunch bill from the school for $22 and she called DH wanting him to pay it.  He told he was not going to because that is what CS is for.  She then proceeded to tell him that he would no longer be able to see SD only on his CO weekends.  She has tried to get him to let her claim SD every year even though divorce papers state that they are to rotate years on taxes.  This has been going on for as long as I can remember.!!! I am really tired of her calling wanting to more $ and then using her daughter as a pawn to try to get her way.  Just recently my SD called DH asking if he could pay $150 for half of a ski trip she wanted to go on because her BM couldn't afford it.  He told her we did not have the money to pay for it right now and SD said "well you will getting your taxes back soon".  MMM I wonder where she heard that from?!?!? SD also knows how much money my DH makes and a lot of other things that I believe children should not know!! Even after my DH told SD that he could not afford it her BM called and asked him to pay $300 for the whole thing.  He told her the same thing that we couldn't afford it.  BM went on and on about how if he loved his daughter he would pay for it and that he is money hungry! Really? Yet BM is paying for herself to go on this ski trip, but she wants him to pay for SD to go.  He told her that if she could pay for herself she could allow SD go instead of her but obviously she didn't see that as a valuable option. 

We always try to be civil with her BM and be flexible but it seems as though she more concerned about herself than what is best for her daughter.  I go out of my way to attend all her sport activities even when my husband is not home.  I try to have her come over when he is gone because I want her to know that this is always her home and she is always welcome.  I have asked probably at least 1x a month the last 7 months and her BM has maybe let me have her once.  Yet she is more than willing to call me to watch her when she wants to go out to a movie or whatever.  I just need some advice on how to deal with her!!! I really just want to call her and tell her that it is about what is best for SD not what benefits her!!! In the end she is only hurting SD because she enjoys coming over to our house and spending time here.  SD should not be made to feel as though her father is a only good for $ or that she can't love/spend time with father because it would hurt her BM feelings.  Help?!?!?!?

 

We are considering speaking to a lawyer this spring and trying to get joint custody.  Does anyone know the chances of this and what the court looks at when considering if it is a viable arrangement for the child/parents?

by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 9:17 AM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 9:41 AM
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I think she *is* being nice by allowing your husband to have his daughter more often than the CO states. Do you think losing that extra time was worth saving the $22 he refused to pay for the lunch bill?

If you husband thinks he is paying too much in CS, he should file a motion to recalculate the CS based on her new income.

you really don't need to "deal" with your husband's ex at all. Let him deal with her.

As for the joint custody, I can tell you that $22 that your husband saved probably will turn out to be a very expensive decision for him. You would have had an excellent chance of getting joint custody if you could have shown that the precedent has been set, that she spends 50% of her time there. However, since he refused to pay $22 and she stopped letting SD spend half her time there, the precedent that could have made your case, is no longer there.  Now you probably dont have a case.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 9:59 AM

I'm sure a lot of the legal stuff varies state to state.  In MI as of this fall, the court will not look at past visitation or payments for things beyond CS paid when recalculating support.  So any extra that is going towards clothing or ECs or school trips doesn't "count".  It MAY count if you're trying for a modification of the visitation.  But again, in our home state, it's very difficult to get a change of visitation.  Even with CPS involved, drug addiction, blah blah...it's very very difficult.

So...I think what WIKN is saying applies.  Big time.  If your husband wants a shot at seeing his daughter more, he's going to have to play nice with BM.  Sure, you guys keeping SD for weeks at a time may have given BM a break that she was happy to have, but there was benefit in it for you guys too.  You got to see SD.  

While I don't agree with the pay to play visitation stuff, until there's a CO'd change, it looks like those are going to be the rules of the game.

Another consideration to discuss with an attorney:  If your DH pursues a change in support or custody, what is the bare bones visitation he can get?  Because based on the actions thus far, my guess is that is all BM is going to allow once she learns that he's trying to modify things legally.


OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 10:03 AM

This situation is why I'm glad that BM lives far, far away.  Some people just take and take and will never have enough.  I recommend sticking to the schedule as ordered, making it more consistent and predictable and enforcable.  Also, the first time the SD asked to pay for the ski trip, your DH should not have discussed it with SD, he should have only spoke to BM and told her ONCE his answer.  SD should not be allowed to argue with her dad about what he can pay for any why.  ANY money issues should only be discussed among the parents, and SD should only be told that.

If your DH wants more time with SD and can shuttle her back and forth to school on weeks when he is off work try to get a schedule and get BM to either agree to that or have something drawn up legally (maybe by a mediator).  I think these adhoc drop the SD off on this day or that day here and there can lead you to feeling 'used'.  Guess what I'm trying to say is keeping to a schedule is best for everyone when there is a  parent that acts like a spoiled rotten child.

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 10:04 AM
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Stop dealing with her is the best advice.  BM doesn't have to allow extra time and can stick to the CO if she wants.  If Dad is around more now he can petition the court for more time with his child.  If he thinks she is making more money he can also ask for CS to be reviewed, but be prepared for it to go up.

That is the easiest way to deal with her.

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Feb. 14, 2013 at 10:12 AM

Ignore BM.  Trying to deal with a BM that doesn't want to be dealt with is like slamming your head against a brick wall because you want to be on the other side.  Not gonna happen.

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Feb. 14, 2013 at 10:19 AM

Why is your DH even explaining to BM why he can't pay for dd's portion of a vacation that BM wants to take?  He should just say no, end of story, no.  He should explain to his DD why he is not responsible for her mother's vacation expenses if DD asks, but he owes BM no explanation other than NO.  Ridiculous.  My skid's BM pulled that one on DH and asked for airfare so she could take the girls to see HER MOM.  He laughed at her.

QueenBof6
by Silver Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 10:21 AM
1 mom liked this
He should go to court and file for more custody time.

As for dealing with her. Don't.
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lucasmom2005
by Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 10:22 AM

The fact about the $22 lunch bill is that we pack her lunch 90% of the time while she is here, and if he would have paid the lunch bill it would just show her that she could call and ask for $ and use SD to get it.  We still ended up having her most of his time off but it is a fight EVERY single time literally. 

I don't think her letting him see his daughter as being "nice", I feel that both parents have a right to be involved.  If she wants SD on a weekend that is DH he allows her to have her, he is always more than willing to be flexible with her.  I have a son from a previous relationship and we have custody arrangements set up since we have moved 1300 miles away from his BF.  Before we moved I was more than willing to allow his father to see him whenever he wanted , he chose to stick to his every other weekends.  That's fine it was his decision but I would never stop my son's BF from seeing him because his relationship is important.  I don't use my child to get what I want I do what is in the best interest of my child, regardless of the amount I get in CS if I get any at all.  And definitely not based on what is BF will pay for. 

In regards to custody, I have been keeping track of the days we have her and we are hoping to speak to a lawyer this spring.  We just want to know what our chances are from a legal standpoint, because if they aren't good we will just continue on this way.  We have tried to get her to agree and she does but she will not sign anything.  I'm not sure why because the last 7 months we have had her pretty much 10 out of the 14 days my husband has been off.  We have no issue paying CS at the amount it is now but we cannot afford to pay more and still ensure that her and our other children have everything they need at our home.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Feb. 14, 2013 at 10:26 AM



Quoting lucasmom2005:

The fact about the $22 lunch bill is that we pack her lunch 90% of the time while she is here, and if he would have paid the lunch bill it would just show her that she could call and ask for $ and use SD to get it.  We still ended up having her most of his time off but it is a fight EVERY single time literally. 

My point is, not paying the $22 has cost you your advantage in the custody case.

I don't think her letting him see his daughter as being "nice", I feel that both parents have a right to be involved. 

no, he doesn't have that right. The CO says he gets EOWE. Everything she gives him above that is at her discretion. Not his "right."

In regards to custody, I have been keeping track of the days we have her and we are hoping to speak to a lawyer this spring.  We just want to know what our chances are from a legal standpoint, because if they aren't good we will just continue on this way.  We have tried to get her to agree and she does but she will not sign anything.  I'm not sure why because the last 7 months we have had her pretty much 10 out of the 14 days my husband has been off.  We have no issue paying CS at the amount it is now but we cannot afford to pay more and still ensure that her and our other children have everything they need at our home.

if you are serious about a future bid for custody, pay the stupid $22 and get SD more so you can document that. This is the reality of the situation. If you are stubborn just for the principle, you will blow it.



Dana333810
by on Feb. 14, 2013 at 10:33 AM

 This.

As far as "dealing with BM" goes, just don't. You didn't procreate with her, why should you have to??

Quoting whatIknownow:

 

 

if you are serious about a future bid for custody, pay the stupid $22 and get SD more so you can document that. This is the reality of the situation. If you are stubborn just for the principle, you will blow it.

 

 

 

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