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I am NOT a replacement parent...(mostly a vent) Edited w/ more info.

Posted by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 1:31 PM
  • 33 Replies

but BM seems to think so lately. DH can't do something? That's OK, (my name) can come in Dhs place. No, I can't. SD needs picked up and BM doesn't feel like it and DH is at work? That's OK, Bm calls me, and gets all mad when I don't just drop what I am doing and run to get SD.Sorry, I have my own life and kids, and I was at the eye Dr's, BTW. I am not DH's replacement!! I am really trying to be nice about this, and its getting really hard, DH isn't helping either...

The main issues are BM just dropping SD off when she notices my van in the drive, and/or not showing up for pick up at her own home or the designated spot, knowing that I am the only one home, or will usually be the one dropping off b/c DH is at work from 2p-10p, and SD gets off school at 2:30p. 

I got the cops called on me shortly after posting this b/c BM was to be home to recieve SD, and I called several times with no answer, and waited 45 minutes then went home. DH was informed, and his calls weren't answered either, but he couldn't just leave work. 4 HOURS later, BM finally calls, and demands SD be brought. By this time, it is 9-9:15ish, and I told her she could come get SD, I had already put my younger 2 to bed, and couldn't leave. BM called the cops saying I refused her SD. When the cops came, the situation was explained, and BM was given 20 minutes to come get SD before they took her to the police station unless DH could leave work. BM showed up with attitude, and left. Between DH and I, we called BM 16 times in the 4 hours I still had SD. Turns out BM was at the mall, nothing important enough IMO to not get her child.

We, well I also had 3 instances of knocking on my door and it being SD just getting dropped off b/c BM was "in the area". BM lives about 15 minutes away, and normally never comes to our town as there generally isn't a reason.

by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 1:31 PM
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by Gold Member on Feb. 15, 2013 at 2:10 PM

Don't answer when she calls.  That fixed my problem when I found myself similarly situated...

by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 10:51 PM

Have you talked to DH about it? If you can get him on the same page as you, then maybe he can explain it to BM?

by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 11:01 PM
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I had to disengage from contact with BM to resolve this. I also had to inform my husband that while I love SS, my first priority is to care for my kids then SS. His mom is CP there should have been NO reason for her contacting me to "allow" me to take him to the doctor or pick him up when DH couldn't. She is next in line to be responsible for him, not me.
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by on Feb. 15, 2013 at 11:15 PM

I agree with not answering her calls. DH's x used to say all the time "don't you think it's better for the kids to be with their own mother than a step-mother, if you can't pick them up or be there?".... yeah that lasted 6 months. The woman never has anything nice to say about me. yet when it's not convenient for her to get her kids, & DH is at work, she texts DH to see if I can do it, or just drops them off at our house.. yeah, not happening. SHE told me the parenting of THEIR kids was going to be between their father and her. So be it. I had my own kids to care for and get where she needed to go.

Then other crap started, and I completely disengaged. Their kids, their worry, their problems to fix and get where they need to go. (no one helped me)

That's not saying I don't cook and chat and play family games, but the skds were created by DH & X and they parented them when they were married,& they can parent them while they are divorced.

by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 1:21 AM
Yep. This. My dh sometimes calls and says that bm called him to get a hold of me. I have finally learned to say...i didnt answer for a reason.

Quoting Derdriu:

Don't answer when she calls.  That fixed my problem when I found myself similarly situated...

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by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 10:17 AM
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Sometimes I think that BMs and SMs just can't win.

If BM doesn't WANT SM to pick up/take kids to stuff, she's a witch.  If SM doesn't WANT to pick up/take kids to stuff, she's a witch.  And somehow, the BF is usually off the hook.  

We need a secondary "matching up" process for dating men with kids--one where maybe BM/SM intent/responsibility is discussed.  

I kind of fell into the trap of being the one out of three adults who was able to do things at the drop of a hat for the kids.  A lot of responsibility seemed to shift to me.  At first I thought I was just helping out DH but then I started feeling like I was personal assistant to BM too.  

It is what you make of it.  If you let DH know that you're simply not in a position nor willing to step into that role, that should enough.  His job to coordinate with BM.

However,  you can't (general you) as a SM act as if you're parenting the skids if you're not willing to do the parent-y stuff.  Like pick up/drop off/taxi kids around.  You're either involved or you're not.

If you don't want to be, your discussion needs to be with DH.

by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 10:34 AM
I'd cease answering her calls. IMO she should be directing all calls to DH. Consider changing your # and don't give her the new one?
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by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 10:36 AM

Quoting elisesmom922:

DH isn't helping either...

hmmm.... something tells me that's the problem right there.

I'd start with DH. 

Me personally in my sitch, I have had to excuse myself from ALL pick up/drop off duty. As a rule, don't ask or expect me to do it, ever. I had to make it a hard-and-fast rule.

by Ruby Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 12:31 AM
I have maintained this boundary. BM does not volunteer me for shit. One time she tried to tell SO that MY KIDS could watch the skids (it was her time, we had plans and she wanted to drop them off) he shut her down quick on that.
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by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 7:31 AM

 I'd stop answering the telephone. You aren't forced to say 'no' and get into a confrontation if there is no communication ;) I'd also tell hubby dearest that you are not BM's taxi driver, and he needs to take care of that shit.

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