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How to explain to DH why I don't feel like SD is my own.

Posted by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:05 AM
  • 25 Replies
1 mom liked this

Ladies, I need help.  And please no bashing...

I'm a CSM to a 5 year old girl with no biological children of my own.  DH doesn't understand why I don't feel like his daughter is my own.  I do love her, just not as if she were my own.

A little background... We've been together for 2 years, married for almost 1.  DH has custody of her through the week.  BM has weekend visitation, every weekend (but really it's BM's parents who SD stays with).  

So DH and I had a discussion tonight about how it's not exactly easy for me to be a stepmother.  He asked me why it isn't easy, and I really couldn't explain it.  It's just not.  It's hard for me... a lot harder than I thought it would be.  Maybe I just haven't gotten used to it yet, I dunno.

So I guess why he doesn't get it is this... He claims that he felt like his stepdaughter was his own when he was married to his ex.  Well yeah, maybe he did, considering that girl was 2 when he met his ex and the girl's father was nonexistent (she's now 9).  She called him Daddy and is the only dad she's ever known (she knows now he's not her real father, and now knows her father's family, but unfortunately he passed away before she met him).  So maybe it was easy for him (although he has previously told me that he thought he loved her like his own until his own daughter was born, then he realized he didn't love her as his own). 

Anyway, I personally think it's easier for men to feel like a child is their own than it is for a woman.  But he told me that he thinks it should be easier for women to feel that way because women have that "maternal instinct."  I don't know what to say to him.  I told him I don't have that maternal bond with her.  I do have A bond, just not that kind.  I told him that he couldn't possibly understand how I feel and I couldn't possible explain it to him.  And I can't, because I don't know how to. 

Any advice on how to explain it?  Maybe it's just as simple as "I just don't feel that way."  I don't know... I just thought I'd ask you ladies for some input.

by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:05 AM
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Replies (1-10):
packermomof2
by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:09 AM
4 moms liked this

"She isn't my kid, that's why she doesn't feel like she's my kid.  Doesn't mean I don't love her."

Kat31
by Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:10 AM
I hate that term. I don't think that is a necessary part of being a good step parent whatsoever.
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destiny83
by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:14 AM

BM is still involved, that's a huge part. 

ARClay
by Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:25 AM

Yeah I tried that... I told him that she's still involved, and SD talks about her.  He was like "she's not really involved, and she rarely talks about her."  But she's still there.  She is a constant.  She still sees her.  She still talks about her.  So really I feel like a glorified babysitter/nanny quite often.


Quoting destiny83:

BM is still involved, that's a huge part. 



ARClay
by Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:25 AM

That's pretty spot on.  Thank you.  I guess with that he'll either get it or he won't. Lol.  I think I'm done trying to explain it.


Quoting packermomof2:

"She isn't my kid, that's why she doesn't feel like she's my kid.  Doesn't mean I don't love her."



Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:30 AM
3 moms liked this

Dh and I have had this talk as well. He is co-parenting with BM with not just their son....but her daughter as well ( like your DH's sd-he came into her life when she was one, he was always dad, learned at 7 he wasn't dad but he's still dad to her)

He thinks I"m wrong for not loving his kids like I love DD8. I told him-I'm attached to DD-because I carried the girl for 8months. I felt every kick, punch,karate chop in my belly. I gave birth to her-so yea I feel overly attached to my daughter.

I love his kids-they're incredible. However, they're not MINE from my body. He needs to understand you love them, just not the way HE wants you to love them. And that's okay. There's no law dictating that SM's HAVE to love their skids like their own.


ARClay
by Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:33 AM
1 mom liked this

Thanks for your response.  I think he thinks I should feel like that because he did... but the situations are so entirely different and he doesn't understand that.


Quoting Tigress22304:

Dh and I have had this talk as well. He is co-parenting with BM with not just their son....but her daughter as well ( like your DH's sd-he came into her life when she was one, he was always dad, learned at 7 he wasn't dad but he's still dad to her)

He thinks I"m wrong for not loving his kids like I love DD8. I told him-I'm attached to DD-because I carried the girl for 8months. I felt every kick, punch,karate chop in my belly. I gave birth to her-so yea I feel overly attached to my daughter.

I love his kids-they're incredible. However, they're not MINE from my body. He needs to understand you love them, just not the way HE wants you to love them. And that's okay. There's no law dictating that SM's HAVE to love their skids like their own.




Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:39 AM


Quoting ARClay:

Thanks for your response.  I think he thinks I should feel like that because he did... but the situations are so entirely different and he doesn't understand that.


Quoting Tigress22304:

Dh and I have had this talk as well. He is co-parenting with BM with not just their son....but her daughter as well ( like your DH's sd-he came into her life when she was one, he was always dad, learned at 7 he wasn't dad but he's still dad to her)

He thinks I"m wrong for not loving his kids like I love DD8. I told him-I'm attached to DD-because I carried the girl for 8months. I felt every kick, punch,karate chop in my belly. I gave birth to her-so yea I feel overly attached to my daughter.

I love his kids-they're incredible. However, they're not MINE from my body. He needs to understand you love them, just not the way HE wants you to love them. And that's okay. There's no law dictating that SM's HAVE to love their skids like their own.




I know what you're saying. DH calls SD his (she's really not but he claims her) he's like I've been thru hell and back with this girl (health problems) Since she was one-I did everything a dad is suppose to do.

Well, that's great. Kudos to you-however you've been in her life 10 yrs now-me only 5yrs. I will protect,love and respect her, take a bullet for her and spoil her-but don't expect me to love her as much as I do my daughter.

DD8 isn't his bio child either (we came into this with kids already-we share none) he loves her,spoils her etc does everything a dad should do for their daughter. But I would never say you need to love her as much as you do SS-because you can't compare the 2. Maybe your hubby thinks ya'll need to be a happy loving family.

I say-just whack him when he brings it up. Label as a no no subject. File it  under "shit we don't discuss" I'm sure you're good to his daughter-and that's all that matters.

ARClay
by Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:42 AM
1 mom liked this

Thanks :)


Quoting Tigress22304:


Quoting ARClay:

Thanks for your response.  I think he thinks I should feel like that because he did... but the situations are so entirely different and he doesn't understand that.


Quoting Tigress22304:

Dh and I have had this talk as well. He is co-parenting with BM with not just their son....but her daughter as well ( like your DH's sd-he came into her life when she was one, he was always dad, learned at 7 he wasn't dad but he's still dad to her)

He thinks I"m wrong for not loving his kids like I love DD8. I told him-I'm attached to DD-because I carried the girl for 8months. I felt every kick, punch,karate chop in my belly. I gave birth to her-so yea I feel overly attached to my daughter.

I love his kids-they're incredible. However, they're not MINE from my body. He needs to understand you love them, just not the way HE wants you to love them. And that's okay. There's no law dictating that SM's HAVE to love their skids like their own.




I know what you're saying. DH calls SD his (she's really not but he claims her) he's like I've been thru hell and back with this girl (health problems) Since she was one-I did everything a dad is suppose to do.

Well, that's great. Kudos to you-however you've been in her life 10 yrs now-me only 5yrs. I will protect,love and respect her, take a bullet for her and spoil her-but don't expect me to love her as much as I do my daughter.

DD8 isn't his bio child either (we came into this with kids already-we share none) he loves her,spoils her etc does everything a dad should do for their daughter. But I would never say you need to love her as much as you do SS-because you can't compare the 2. Maybe your hubby thinks ya'll need to be a happy loving family.

I say-just whack him when he brings it up. Label as a no no subject. File it  under "shit we don't discuss" I'm sure you're good to his daughter-and that's all that matters.



heathercm26
by Bronze Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:42 AM
4 moms liked this
I think that it has anlot to do with bonding when they r babies. I have always loved babies, but when my baby cane along i could sit and watch her for hours like a television. I rejoiced when ever she smiled, wiggled, stretched, or slept peacefully. I was fascinated with her more than anything that i have ever been fascinated with. Like how her little joints in her fingers bent. The way her jaw went slack when she was relaxed. I went through a period where i was very protective of her. I didnt even like others to look at her. I felt like a toddler with a new toy that someone else would like to play with.
Also i sacrificed sleep for her, money, time, energy. Etc. I also gave my body up for 9 months to grow her and then i nursed her for 7 months exclusively. It was amazing that i was giving her all her nourishment and helping her little brain grow. She responded to my voice as a big source of comfort and i had to sing for few months for hours and hours while she was colicky. I lost my voice several times. I have been in love a few times but nothing near so intense as when i had her. I swear i became nearly telepathic with her and how she was feeling when she was an infant.

Soooooo it i find it very reasonable that u dont feel like this child is yours. She is not yours.

Just like when u go somewhere and get a hotel room. The room is great. The bed is great. The room may have a dresser and television just like at home, but it is not your home. Even though you sleep there and put your clothes in the drawers. Its just not the same.
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