How to explain to DH why I don't feel like SD is my own.
Ladies, I need help. And please no bashing...
I'm a CSM to a 5 year old girl with no biological children of my own. DH doesn't understand why I don't feel like his daughter is my own. I do love her, just not as if she were my own.
A little background... We've been together for 2 years, married for almost 1. DH has custody of her through the week. BM has weekend visitation, every weekend (but really it's BM's parents who SD stays with).
So DH and I had a discussion tonight about how it's not exactly easy for me to be a stepmother. He asked me why it isn't easy, and I really couldn't explain it. It's just not. It's hard for me... a lot harder than I thought it would be. Maybe I just haven't gotten used to it yet, I dunno.
So I guess why he doesn't get it is this... He claims that he felt like his stepdaughter was his own when he was married to his ex. Well yeah, maybe he did, considering that girl was 2 when he met his ex and the girl's father was nonexistent (she's now 9). She called him Daddy and is the only dad she's ever known (she knows now he's not her real father, and now knows her father's family, but unfortunately he passed away before she met him). So maybe it was easy for him (although he has previously told me that he thought he loved her like his own until his own daughter was born, then he realized he didn't love her as his own).
Anyway, I personally think it's easier for men to feel like a child is their own than it is for a woman. But he told me that he thinks it should be easier for women to feel that way because women have that "maternal instinct." I don't know what to say to him. I told him I don't have that maternal bond with her. I do have A bond, just not that kind. I told him that he couldn't possibly understand how I feel and I couldn't possible explain it to him. And I can't, because I don't know how to.
Any advice on how to explain it? Maybe it's just as simple as "I just don't feel that way." I don't know... I just thought I'd ask you ladies for some input.