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Im in desperate need of advice about my step son an his mother

Posted by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 1:54 AM
  • 26 Replies
My step son feels he doesn't have to do anything I say when he's with us, n continues to say "my mom says I don't have to listen to u". He beats up on my 5yr old daughter n is VERY disrespectful to my child n I. My husband tries so hard but it just becomes a battle with his ex. I am at my breaking point and ready to end my marriage just so my children n I don't have to live with what we r going threw.
I am to be in court on Feb 20, bc my step son told his mom I spanked him (which I did bc he tried breaking my daughters arm) and all he does is make up stories and tells lies about everything.
His father n I have been together for 4yrs now n this has just become n issue a few months before we got married. I don't feel I was in the wrong for spanking him an putting him in a chair. Am I? My children beg me while in tears to go stay with my sister or my mom when it's my husbands weekend to have his son because they don't want to be in trouble because of my step son. He will whine,lie,physically abuse my daughter,etc. and my son is VERY protective of his sister so it makes it even harder on me.
I am so afraid I'm going to lose my husband over this,my kids nor myself want him to leave,but it's becoming to the point where it may just happen. I would never ask him to choose us or his own son,so im thinking I need to ask him to leave. I don't know what to do anymore n could really use some helpful advice.
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by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 1:54 AM
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by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 2:29 AM

How old is this kid & have you been in counseling??? As a family? Most churches will give free or close to it for church members...  

by Silver Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 2:36 AM
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You have to put your own children first. If your husband can't get control of his child and make it a safe environment for you and your children then you have to do what you have to do. I see a few choices, either you and your children uproot every time it's your husbands weekend, or your husband and his child visit elsewhere, or you and your husband split up.

There is only so much a person can take and I think that at the point my children are being physically injured by another child that can't be controlled by his parent I would be gone.

by Hi, my name is... on Feb. 16, 2013 at 2:40 AM
Sorry you feel this way. I'm sure it's an ugly feeling in the out of your stomach. I've been a SM for 5 years and its hard. My skids have some challenges that I feel of course my Dh should address. I feel your SS needs to be controlled but via Dh. I knows it's easier said then done but I think Dh addressing the issues would help 99% of the problem.

I do get how hard this is as in step family. I think you need to protect your child. I think you need to walk away from the situations where SS is in.

Can you leave the weekends he is there? How many wknds is he there?
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by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 7:59 AM
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Why can't your husband control his own child? how much time does your husband spend with his son when his son comes to your house?

by Ruby Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 8:19 AM

Help me understand why SSs behavior at your house turns into a battle between DH and BM.  Is it her fault?

by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 8:31 AM
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I can understand your frustration.

But....(you had to know that was coming)...

Don't hit other peoples' kids.  I'd encourage not to hit your own kids, but that's your call.  But if you hit other peoples' kids without their permission, I believe that constitutes assault in most places.  How would you feel if someone you didn't know/didn't like hit YOUR kid?

What does your husband think of all of this?  

The fact that the behavior began just before you all go married isn't that surprising.  The fact that he says his mom says he doesn't have to listen to you isn't very surprising (and may not even be true--kids learn to manipulate and triangulate pretty quickly when there's an opportunity.)

If you want to avoid a battle between DH and BM, then my advice would be to let DH and BM discuss the behavior(s), the plan moving forward (perhaps counseling?), and consequences.  You really need to stay out of it and for the love of Pete, don't lay your hands on the kid...  EVER.  Quickest way to set off the mama bear in anyone is to touch their kid. 

by Le Bonjour Chat on Feb. 16, 2013 at 11:20 AM

You don't hit other people's kids.  Period.

by Ruby Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:10 PM

First, don't hit someone else's kids.

Even if BM and DH say it's okay. DON"T

2. Why is dad having such a hard time disciplining his own child?  Does BM not approve of any discipline?

ANd I'm sorry-if my stepkids did anything to hurt my child, I would certainly remove my daughter from harm's way-even if I have to leave my own house to do so. (And I've done this several times)

Is this child in therapy of any kind?

by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 2:56 PM

Yes, you were wrong for hitting someone else's child. I'd do the same to a SP who hit /spanked my kids.  That, or find a way to keep them from being alone with my children, ever (which I did with a brother in law who spanked my son (who I don't have to spank to get to listen).  My sister told me before the kid had a chance to and that was the last time my brother in law was around my children without me present).  

Your husband has to figure out how to handle his kid.

by Bronze Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 3:11 PM
Do you keep your SS when your husband isn't around? If so, stop. He needs to be present at all times when SS is so he can discipline him.

And yes, you were VERY wrong for spanking your SS, no matter the reason. If physical discipline was needed, it is up to his father to do it.
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