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Is NCP house really home too?

Posted by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:41 PM
  • 30 Replies

NO, REALLY???  Is it really home or does NCP just think its home too?  I am CP and I honestly kind of felt like BF home was DD home.  Not according to her.  She has been out of school since LAST Monday, 10 full days of school.  She has an undetermined viral infection similar to mono and NOW has pneumonia and a head to toe rash.  She is VERY sick and she was supposed to go to BF house yesterday.  She refused...when I say refused I mean cried and wailed and begged him to not make her come.  This is very out of character for her.  I wasn't home, I spoke to BF after he talked to her.  He called my cell at lunch.  He says he told her she can hang out in her room and there and be yucky on his couch.  He says she said "NO, I want to be in MY room at MY house with MY stuff and MY mom has been taking care of me and she is at OUR house." 

She isn't contagious at this point.  Just still very sickly and weak and very grumpy and mean.  It would have been fine for her to go.  I called her and I told her she could go that her dad misses her and wants to hang out with her even though she is sick.  She said no I want to stay home.  I told her "That is your home there too."  She said "NO, it is NOT my home too.  Places where I have to pack a bag to go to are not my home.  I have a bed, that is it.  I have to take everything, even a toothbrush and shampoo and conditioner.  I have furniture and a closet that is full of SM clothes and crap, not MINE.  Nothing there is mine, if I want my things I have to take it and I do not want to pack bags to take over there.  I am tired and I hurt and all my stuff is here without packing." 

He is kind of irate, but I think she has a good point.  I actually prefer her to be here.  I HAVE been taking care of her and I am way more tolerant of the pissy attitude she is carrying around right now than BF and SM would be.  I wouldn't ever tell her or BF that though. 

Should we have MADE her go or was I right to not push it harder?  Should I discuss this with BF or keep my mouth shut?  Would you NCP households want to know why the child doesn't feel your house is their home?

by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:41 PM
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by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:52 PM
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Hmm. That's hard. I definitely think there are things BD could facilitate her feeling more at home. Maybe when she's feeling better he could take her shopping for a few outfits to keep at his house. No reason she shouldn't have shampoo stuff too. My skids have their own stuff here - toys, beds, a few outfits, bath stuff. It's important to DF that they feel at home here. It sounds like BD wants her over there - I would either explain it to him nicely or when DD is not as crabby maybe have her talk to him.

Honestly, I felt the same way she does (albeit I was older) when I had to go to my dads. Don't know if you shoulda made her go to her dads or not. I understand her wanting to be at her home with mom when she's sick.
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by Gold Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 12:55 PM
I don't think I would have pushed it. I would also want to know why my child doesn't feel like my home is their home too, but I would like to think that none of the things you listed would be an issue either.

SS11 is in the same situation at BMs, except he doesn't have a bed even.
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by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 1:01 PM
In my case, I don't think dd considers dad's house HER house. But she does consider him to be her dad. She would go to his house if she were just a little sick.

If she really wanted to stay with me, though. I would let her. And he would too. We would just switch it up elsewhere. :)
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by Ruby Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 1:06 PM

in our situation-the kids would prefer to stay with us.. But i dont believe in forcing a child.

And my skids know this home is their home. If they felt uncomfortable, I would want to know why, so we can change it to make things better for them

by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 1:11 PM
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Having been CSP and now NCSP...

Sick kids want to be with Mom.  Even if mom isn't as good of a nurse as SM of BF.

I've kept my SD's quire a bit over the last few years when they were ill and ya know what? I'm just not Mom.  Even if I do a BETTER job taking care of them, I'm not MOM!  And when I was awful sick a few months ago, I wanted my MOMMY even though she was a sucky caretaker.  It's just ingrained!  I swear!  

It's not really about NCP vs CP homes.  It's about comfort.  She's comfortable where she is.  And she's SICK.

If BM would've been willing to keep the kids when they were sick (she wouldn't take them) I know the kids would've been happier at Mom's.  

It's the Mom factor.  

I'd let her be wherever she feels most comfortable when she's ill.

As a  SM who has taken care of sick kids a lot over the last few years...I can't do it like you can Momma.  I'm just not the mom.

by Platinum Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 1:11 PM

That's sad. Before DH had custody we always made sure SD had her own things, even if she only used them 4 days a month. She had a bed, dresser with clothes, toys, arts and crafts, personal hygiene stuff, etc. It was all HER'S, it was stuff (toys and craft stuff) no one else could use without her permission.

I'd have hated for SD to feel as if our home wasn't her's as well.

SD lives here full time now (sees BM 1-3 days a month). She packs everything she needs to go visit BM. At BM's house she doesn't even have a bed or anything (BM lives in a 2 bedroom apartment with a guy and his two kids, there's no room for SD there). When BM takes visitation with SD for longer than 1 night she takes SD to BM's mom's house. SD has a room there, but nothing in it except a bed and some books. 

by Platinum Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 1:17 PM
I think NCP house is home, even if child visits only On weekends. But a lot depends on parents to make a child feel like its their home. IMO CP plays big role in this. BM always made SD uncomfortable to idea to stay with us. It's sad, but it's true.
I consider SD as part of our family.
But I don't think she considers our home as her home or she is OK with being part of our family. She stayed over nights very rare. And her mother always made her uneasy about being here.

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by Platinum Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 1:18 PM
SD has a fully furnished room, with tv and etc in our home.
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by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 1:21 PM

Quoting annabl1970:

SD has a fully furnished room, with tv and etc in our home.

Having a room and a TV doesn't make a place home.  Hotel rooms...even the cheap ones...offer that.

by Ruby Member on Feb. 16, 2013 at 1:38 PM
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NCP house could be home if NCP creates that environment.  Having a space of one's own, shampoo in the bathroom, toothbrush in a holder on the counter, consideration and participation in choosing the residence, freedom to decorate as child wishes, their own bed with bedding they picked out, trust that no one else gets in their stuff while they are gone, favorite foods typically present in refrigerator, ability to enter on their own, welcoming.  Clothes in the closet no dresser I would say maybe.  We have full set of clothes for SSs here.  They do not pack a bag.  DDs have always packed a bag, they love their clothes so much they couldn't imagine being apart from anything.  They did ask BF to keep a supply of socks and underwear at his place.

BFs house is as much their house as mine.  If they were sick, I think they prefer mom but that has nothing to do with his house.  SSs often come to our house very sick.  I think at this point they consider this their home also. 

Glock, in your case, it doesn't sound like BF did very much to make it feel like home.  I mean really, she has to pack shampoo?

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