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Their parallel parenting is driving me crazy!

So I disengaged. I changed my number. I stopped communicating with bm, for the most part, so they would coparent. They avoided talking to each other, went through me, and I always ended up being the bad guy in sd10 eyes.

Dh and bm had a big blow up at our home about things that go on here and there and how bm let's her parents be "the parent." Things changed for like a couple weeks. Fast forward to now, which is months later, they rarely communicate. He is fed up with talking to her about the same stuff, she doesn't change anything. SD behaved great at our house for a couple weeks. Then bm calls Dh to complain about how her behavior there has been so bad that week. She took a cell phone to school and got caught, isn't writing homework down, talking back etc. She wants to up her meds which is her answer to everything. Psychiatrist said no already. SD behavior gets worse here. Like way worse than it was before the two weeks she behaved.

Then he calls her last weekend to say she is almost out of risperdal and focal in. Bm says OK. She doesn't meet me at the school so o drive to her house on Friday after picking up SD. Bm car is there. SD goes in. Bm not there. BMS dad calls her. No answer. SD comes out with focalin and no risperdal. Says bm says we can't have any because she has five pills left and that's it. I'm mad because I had to drive here, am told I can't take her meds with me that she needs.

Get home. Bm calls Dh and says sorry was sleeping in car. Doesn't bring meds. SD throws fit because she didn't tell bm she had homework Thursday night and has to do it Friday night. SD is being a complete brat. Dh says I'm tired of dealing with bm. She knows SD has to have this medicine. I don't know what else to do.

I am tired of them. I told him I understand his frustration with bm but if he isn't going to hold her accountable andthey aaren't going to coparent, why the hell do I have to go through hell every weekend?!

Just a rant but if you feel like giving advice that is fine too.
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by on Feb. 16, 2013 at 9:05 PM
Replies (11-20):
LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 6:56 AM
When she picked up SD Sunday, she said she didn't even know if she had any of the risperdal. I wasn't here. She told this to Dh . I am thinking you were told a week ago that it was needed. And how do you not know if you have any when your child takes it twice a day?!?!?! You are right it is very much needed.


Quoting chasinrainbows:

 Can a parent legally withhold medication? My son takes risperdal as well and it is very much NEEDED.


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LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 6:58 AM
Good idea. I will suggest it to Dh , again. I would rather pay for it then have to deal with her behavior when she misses two doses.


Quoting momof2ex1:

As far as the medicine, is there any way that the doctor can allow it to be filled by mom and by dad? Sure insurance will only pay for one but I would be willing to pay the full amount if that meant not having to rely on the other parent to send the medicine. That way it is in both homes and doesn't need to go back and forth. I know people that have done this with regular medications not so much with something like an antibiotic that is temporary but something that is taken daily for a long period of time.

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LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 7:02 AM
I try my best to stay out of it. It is very frustrating. Until the summer, she is with us every weekend. Dh works on Saturdays so I am home with SD and our two children. It is very simple to fix. The CO lays everything out. I helped them write it. Bm is supposed to call him on a weekly basis to let Dh know about school and general welfare. Bm doesn't. Dh gets frustrated and does nothing. If he calls, she doesn't answer or call back.she only calls when things with SD behavior gets rough and expects him to fix. It would be easier if they would follow the agreement that they wrote and agreed to 6 years ago.


Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

This.



They are on completely different pages and as much as its frustrating to watch OP,I'd try to stay out of it. It sounds confusing and dad and BM need to work this out. It seems simple also. I think that's what would drive me crazy!




Quoting momof2ex1:

That is not at all what parallel parenting is. Your frustrated bc they are actually not parallel parenting. They are doing something else and whatever it is doesn't have a name that I am aware of.

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LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 7:07 AM
Generally he knows nothing that goes on there. I think she was just really frustrated because SD was behaving here and not there, for a change. So she picked up the phone and expected him to fix. Other than that, we have pretty much stopped telling her what goes on here, unless it concerns her general welfare and the same with bm. He doesn't usually know about homework because she is there all week. SD didn't write it down Thursday or tell bm so she didn't do it. Then expected us to help her, which we did, and acted like it was our fault she didn't do it at bm's Thursday. It was hard to help her when she seemed to have no real idea what the paper she had to write entailed and then she kept making excuses on why bit wasn't done. I was like let's just get it done. Let's not argue about why it wasn't done.


Quoting momof2ex1:

One more thing. Dh needs to stop talking with mom about what happens at mom's. he needs to focus only on his home and how things are going at his home. I have no clue what happens at dad's and vice versa. Except what my dd tells me. And I rarely mention it to dad unless it really is a major issue. I don't even talk to him regarding homework. She doesn't do it at his house? It's her grade. She knew what her responsibility was. If he didn't allow her to do the work, she knows she needs to communicate with her teacher to get it done after school. This seems to work for us.

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LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 7:45 AM
They are avoiding each other until things are out of control and it is absolutely necessary. They lack communication. I am to the point where it seems,to me, that this 50/50 joint legal and physical custody agreement isn't working because in order for it to work, you have to actually do what the agreement says. It seems it would work better if one had custody and one had visitation. Just my opinion though and I am trying to stay out of it. Just venting and frustrated because whatever they are doing is really upsetting my household.


Quoting momof2ex1:

That is not at all what parallel parenting is. Your frustrated bc they are actually not parallel parenting. They are doing something else and whatever it is doesn't have a name that I am aware of.

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LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 8:03 AM
Yes that's the problem. Bm doesn't inform of anything then expects him to fix it and be involved when it is convenient and helps her. Dh needs to quit waiting for her to involve him, pick up the phone, and say hey what is going on with SD at school, therapy, etc. They do not communicate. SD knows this. Then lies and manipulates them both and tries the same with me. Things are much easier to figure out now that I have disengaged.


Quoting Vicky1975:

Both parents have to suck it up and think about what is best for the child and not what is best for them.


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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 1:46 PM
Oh girl! That is too much! Bless your heart. I believe these two parents have a huge situation on their hands. If their child was 'normal' it would be different. Parallel parenting is what you stated however that isn't what they are doing.
Because of their daughters condition and issues (I really hate using that word) they HAVE to learn to communicate with each other. In a normal situation where there really is no obstacles PP can be positive and successful. But it seems like they really need to communicate with each other.

How do they do with emailing? Is it an option? Can they cut out the phone calls that causes so much frustration? And just do a once or twice weekly update on medication and even homework?


Quoting LittleMama2012:

Maybe I was confused as to what parallel parenting is. Either way it seems she only communicates when things get out of control there and doesn't inform him of anything any other time. IMO, he needs to take more of an initiative and find out what is going on regarding school and the welfare of their child. He tends to wait til things are out of control then throw the custody agreement in her face that she doesn't follow. Either way, regardless of their parenting style, I am holding them both responsible. They are her parent, not me. I will help and support. I am just tired of SD coming to me with this and that and then acting like everything is my fault.



The homework was an example of this. She came to me and said she didnt do it, not them. It wasn't written down in her agenda, she hasn't told bm, I have no idea what she is doing in school. I only knew it was due on monday, she didn't tell bm about it Thursday, then she throws a fit and blows up at me because she doesn't have what she needs to do it. I tell her to just chill and get it done, dad says get it done so you don't have to worry about it. Then there is a hundred manipulations and lies and her whole story changes again. I gave up. I assume she got it done.



I thought parallel parenting was when they parented in their own homes and didn't involve the other. I called it that. They don't call it anything and avoid each other until the child is out of control. I don't know what you call this other than slack. They need to get a grip and parent their child.



Thanks for the advice!




Quoting momof2ex1:

The fact that they talk so much back and forth suggests to me that they are not parallel parenting. PP is parenting beside each other not with each other the way co-parenting works. PP is when you communicate ONLY in an emergency and I'm talking blood transfusion or a broken arm. Any other form of communication is written in email or a journal, and it's once maybe twice a month. Schedules are consistent with little to no changes. No communication regarding the other household whatsoever. This is a failed attempt at co-parenting and nothing like parallel parenting. In order for PP to be truly successful the parents step back and do not speak at all and only communicate regarding education and the welfare of the child and that is done in writing.





I was shocked that they believe they are parallel parenting and wonder if they know at all what it entails.






Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

This.







They are on completely different pages and as much as its frustrating to watch OP,I'd try to stay out of it. It sounds confusing and dad and BM need to work this out. It seems simple also. I think that's what would drive me crazy!








Quoting momof2ex1:

That is not at all what parallel parenting is. Your frustrated bc they are actually not parallel parenting. They are doing something else and whatever it is doesn't have a name that I am aware of.



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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 1:49 PM
My dd is 11 so I get the whole homework thing lol ugh so frustrating. I tell her often, you are the one that went to school all day NOT me!

Is there anyway the teacher will allow after school or before school tutoring so she can get help on that lesson? When my daughter starts placing blame, I no longer help. I back out. She can figure it out herself. Is that an option? Or does that cause an entire melt down?


Quoting LittleMama2012:

Generally he knows nothing that goes on there. I think she was just really frustrated because SD was behaving here and not there, for a change. So she picked up the phone and expected him to fix. Other than that, we have pretty much stopped telling her what goes on here, unless it concerns her general welfare and the same with bm. He doesn't usually know about homework because she is there all week. SD didn't write it down Thursday or tell bm so she didn't do it. Then expected us to help her, which we did, and acted like it was our fault she didn't do it at bm's Thursday. It was hard to help her when she seemed to have no real idea what the paper she had to write entailed and then she kept making excuses on why bit wasn't done. I was like let's just get it done. Let's not argue about why it wasn't done.




Quoting momof2ex1:

One more thing. Dh needs to stop talking with mom about what happens at mom's. he needs to focus only on his home and how things are going at his home. I have no clue what happens at dad's and vice versa. Except what my dd tells me. And I rarely mention it to dad unless it really is a major issue. I don't even talk to him regarding homework. She doesn't do it at his house? It's her grade. She knew what her responsibility was. If he didn't allow her to do the work, she knows she needs to communicate with her teacher to get it done after school. This seems to work for us.


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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 1:51 PM
I totally agree. My ex and I cannot communicate so we were not candidates for 50/50. It is hard when one is willing and the other is not but it is very common. I don't have a solution unless your husband is willing to back down and give mom residential custody. Otherwise it sounds like it would take a court battle to fix. Think about this little girl. She is in turmoil. It's no wonder she can't figure out up from down.


Quoting LittleMama2012:

They are avoiding each other until things are out of control and it is absolutely necessary. They lack communication. I am to the point where it seems,to me, that this 50/50 joint legal and physical custody agreement isn't working because in order for it to work, you have to actually do what the agreement says. It seems it would work better if one had custody and one had visitation. Just my opinion though and I am trying to stay out of it. Just venting and frustrated because whatever they are doing is really upsetting my household.




Quoting momof2ex1:

That is not at all what parallel parenting is. Your frustrated bc they are actually not parallel parenting. They are doing something else and whatever it is doesn't have a name that I am aware of.


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LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 5:27 PM
I think he would be willing but the problem is she acts,and has always acted, as though she has custody and he has visitation. She acts as if he is not entitled to know what is going on with their child. I see why he is frustrated but short of holding her in contempt of the CO, I don't see her changing and communicating as it is stated in the CO. She only has to talk to him once a week and let him know about appointments and conferences in a "timely manner." Which to her is generally the night before or day of. That is not enough notice for him to get off work so he misses out on a lot.
That is why I say he needs to contact teachers and doctors on his own.


Quoting momof2ex1:

Oh girl! That is too much! Bless your heart. I believe these two parents have a huge situation on their hands. If their child was 'normal' it would be different. Parallel parenting is what you stated however that isn't what they are doing.

Because of their daughters condition and issues (I really hate using that word) they HAVE to learn to communicate with each other. In a normal situation where there really is no obstacles PP can be positive and successful. But it seems like they really need to communicate with each other.



How do they do with emailing? Is it an option? Can they cut out the phone calls that causes so much frustration? And just do a once or twice weekly update on medication and even homework?




Quoting LittleMama2012:

Maybe I was confused as to what parallel parenting is. Either way it seems she only communicates when things get out of control there and doesn't inform him of anything any other time. IMO, he needs to take more of an initiative and find out what is going on regarding school and the welfare of their child. He tends to wait til things are out of control then throw the custody agreement in her face that she doesn't follow. Either way, regardless of their parenting style, I am holding them both responsible. They are her parent, not me. I will help and support. I am just tired of SD coming to me with this and that and then acting like everything is my fault.





The homework was an example of this. She came to me and said she didnt do it, not them. It wasn't written down in her agenda, she hasn't told bm, I have no idea what she is doing in school. I only knew it was due on monday, she didn't tell bm about it Thursday, then she throws a fit and blows up at me because she doesn't have what she needs to do it. I tell her to just chill and get it done, dad says get it done so you don't have to worry about it. Then there is a hundred manipulations and lies and her whole story changes again. I gave up. I assume she got it done.





I thought parallel parenting was when they parented in their own homes and didn't involve the other. I called it that. They don't call it anything and avoid each other until the child is out of control. I don't know what you call this other than slack. They need to get a grip and parent their child.





Thanks for the advice!






Quoting momof2ex1:

The fact that they talk so much back and forth suggests to me that they are not parallel parenting. PP is parenting beside each other not with each other the way co-parenting works. PP is when you communicate ONLY in an emergency and I'm talking blood transfusion or a broken arm. Any other form of communication is written in email or a journal, and it's once maybe twice a month. Schedules are consistent with little to no changes. No communication regarding the other household whatsoever. This is a failed attempt at co-parenting and nothing like parallel parenting. In order for PP to be truly successful the parents step back and do not speak at all and only communicate regarding education and the welfare of the child and that is done in writing.







I was shocked that they believe they are parallel parenting and wonder if they know at all what it entails.








Quoting Steamedpuddle30:

This.









They are on completely different pages and as much as its frustrating to watch OP,I'd try to stay out of it. It sounds confusing and dad and BM need to work this out. It seems simple also. I think that's what would drive me crazy!










Quoting momof2ex1:

That is not at all what parallel parenting is. Your frustrated bc they are actually not parallel parenting. They are doing something else and whatever it is doesn't have a name that I am aware of.




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