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A lot of SP these days……

Posted by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 1:44 AM
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So many step parents these days bitch and complain about their Skids. Let me ask you a question, when you and your DH got together did either of you have kids from PR's? Right then and there was all up to you, cut your losses and walk or realize this is a package deal when you got together. When my DH and I got together I told him straight up that my child was the most important thing in the world to me. That he has to treat my child as though he would treat his own and he told me that the same went for his son. Things with his son and I started of rocky but we worked on things and we got through it (SS just turned 5). Almost 3 years later if you ask my SS he will tell you that I am his mother not his step mom. We got through it because as a family when things got rough we'd all sit down and talk about it, listen and figure out a way to fix things. He told me 1 day that he felt that it was my fault that him in his mommy work together anymore. That was a hard one to deal with but a yr and half later everything is great! If you ask him today he will tell you that he loves me with all his heart and soul and that I am NOT his SM I am his mommy. I have done more for my SS in 3yrs then his BM has ever done in 8yrs (he is 8). There was even the day I overheard him talking to 1 of his friends his friend said that he hated his SM because she made his life so miserable my SS said that he love me with all his heart and soul if it weren't for me then he wouldn't know what a mommy was. He also told him about how he does not think of me as a stepmom and he thinks of me as his mom. But the 1 that broke my heart most was when he started crying because he overheard me talking to somebody mentioning how he was my SS. He was so heartbroken by that comment literally broke my heart I love my stepson with all my heart and I am so glad he feels the way he feels about me! We should want our SKs to trust us, love us and want us to be therefor them always. Figure out a way to work through it together as a family, one thing we did was we got all of our family together to help him understand everything that was happening and going on, no one ever bashed on BM in front of or around him but no one really talked about her either (no one knows much since she has gone off the ban wagon) but with the support and love of his whole family we came through!!! Try your hardest as a family everyone and make it work!!!
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by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 1:44 AM
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by Ruby Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 1:57 AM
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You're all about convincing everyone about what mom doesn't do and what you do. You say you have had struggles. Ever think there is a flaw in your theory of how things should be. I would never ask my husband to consider my child his own. He is to do no harm. That is his only obligation and my only expectation. You cannot make someone love someone else. That is where the struggles have come in to play. Expectations being too high. Ok so your 5 year old SS says you are his mommy. Come back in 15 years and let's talk.

Since your SS doesn't have an active mom, he feels he is missing a piece of him and you fill that void for him. Not all families are this way. Plenty of kids have both of their parents and love their stepparents. My child does not at all feel ashamed that she is a stepchild. She has been one for 7 years. Doesn't phase her. She has two parents and two stepparents. And she is fine. There is no shame in stepfamilies. Shame is made. People feel shame for the way others make them feel.
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by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:28 AM
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I do not agree with you.

1. DH had a daughter when we married. I knew that. I did not know that after all I would do for her, I still would only be dad's wife. Like she would always tell her cousins and friends - that I'm her aunt (not stepmom - aunt).

2. I did not know then that I wouldn't be able to "love her like my own". I've tried, goodness I've tried. But I cannot, she is not my own. Took me a while to accept that!!

3. I did not know all the "interesting" things BM would do (not because we got married, just because). It was not "interesting" in the beginning, but I learned to not pay attention to it.

Many people don't live together before they marry.
We don't know everything about partner when we marry (even if neither has children).
All marriages need work, in all marriages you do not know your SO 100% before you tie the knot.

Most people still don't know themselves perfectly, nor has life figured out perfectly.
No-one is perfect!!
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by Silver Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:48 AM
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I bitch about my own kids sometimes. Doesn't mean I don't love or care for them. Kids are a pain in the ass sometimes.
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by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 9:07 AM
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I think in situations like these; that some adults forget about the children and place the focus on them and the situation. The child's needs should always come first.

by Platinum Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 9:08 AM
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THe kid is 8. Your story is far from being written. 

by Gold Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 9:39 AM
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You've been around 3 years. Did you ever think that maybe he says you are mom cause thats what you want to hear and he fears losing the only mother figure in his life? Your situation is not the norm, as a large number of families are dealing with one if not two exes. In those situations you can't pretend the BP doesn't exist.

So...why haven't you adopted him then?
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by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 9:49 AM
Please use paragraphs, OP.

I do not labor under the delusion that my ss is my child. He has a mother already and I am not her. I don't put demands on him that he has to love me etc.

He must respect my authority in our house when he is here, just as any child should.

I agree with PP that my two year old drives me nuts sometimes. That is what they do.
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by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 11:27 AM

I understand where you are coming from OP. I have a step-son. I moved in last Febuary and we got married in May. I love him like my own and I consider him as my own. There is nothing wrong with a child having two "mommies". I know he loves me. He considers me his best friend. He respects me and my authority. He wants to do everything with me and talks to me about everything. 

He is a wonderful child and I am blessed to have him in my life. Yea I complain sometimes but not as a ss but as my son. I introduce him as my son. He calls me his sm but sometimes he will slip and start to call me mom. I do not make him love me and I do not make him respect me he does that all on him own because I treat him as my own.

by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 11:33 AM

So I take it your SS's mom is not involved in his life at all? 

by Bronze Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 11:38 AM
Glad it has worked for you. Something I've learned though is that hard work isn't the medicine to cure all ills though - especially when it comes to emotions.
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