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is a stressful time.  It is hard.  And court shouldn't be a spectator event when parents are trying to work something out that is so personal and dear to them.  

So why do so many SP's want to be involved in that when it really, truly isn't about them no matter how they spin the situation?

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 1:19 PM
Replies (11-20):
blondepegasus
by Bronze Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:30 PM
6 moms liked this

 


Quoting momof2ex1:

I have never understood this. How could a decision regarding my child effect my ex's wife? Or my husband? They aren't the parents.


Quoting Rae706:

SP's are effected by just about everything involving skids. I think that makes them more than a spectator. Maybe one parent wants the SP there for moral support, or maybe one parent welcomes their opinion, or maybe they want to consult with the SP before doing anything that is going to directly effect the SP. either way, I do think that is up to each individual parent... Unless said SP makes a spectacle of themselves and gets removed from the courtroom.




Quoting packermomof2:

 

 



Quoting leegirl_jm:

I suspect if a stepparent is involved, it is because a parent wants them involved. If both parents prefer to keep the matters only to themselves, then I don't think stepparents would be in court.

 



So if one parent wants to keep the battle between the parents is that parent out of luck because the ex doesn't understand that this is not an event where spectators should be welcome?




Seriously? As a stepmom, I am very heavily affected by decisions involving dh's children on a regular basis. The decisions made shape my entire existence. How can decisions that determine who lives in your home with you and when not be any of your business?

KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:33 PM

The thing I don't really like about a SP, usually a SM, being involved in these matters is it gives them a false sense of power.  Just because a SM is present in the courtroom doesn't mean she is any more relevant than any of the other spectators there watching the freak show.  But she *feels* more important than them and she feels that the outcome is going to affect her so she deserves to be there, when the truth is that no matter what the outcome is, she has two choices:  1) accept it and deal with it or 2) divorce her DH and move on.  Her presence in the courtroom isn't going to substantially change the outcome so what difference does it really make if she hears it in court or finds out about it later? 

Since I feel SM's presence isn't relevant, I couldn't care less if she's there or not.  I have no problem putting her in her place when necessary and don't usually have power struggle issues.  There are some SM's that are already on a power trip and really should be excluded from the court room simply to remind them that they aren't the ringleader. 

Happily Married | BM to DD13  DD13  DD11 | Mom to DS7 & DS3 | CP

PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:36 PM
I agree.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
packermomof2
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:38 PM



Quoting Rae706:

SP's are effected by just about everything involving skids. I think that makes them more than a spectator. Maybe one parent wants the SP there for moral support, or maybe one parent welcomes their opinion, or maybe they want to consult with the SP before doing anything that is going to directly effect the SP. either way, I do think that is up to each individual parent... Unless said SP makes a spectacle of themselves and gets removed from the courtroom.


In court you are nothing but a spectator, that is what I'm talking about. Yes, the outcome will affect you in some manner. But being a spectator in the court room will not change the outcome.  It can cause more undue stress on all involved, but it is pointless to sit there and watch the parents hash out their issues about their kids just because you can.  
It's like going to a football team and rooting for your favorite team.  You like your team, you hope the game goes in their favor, but whether you're there at the stadium or watching on tv or hear about it third hand, the outcome of the game would have been the same.
"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:38 PM
I honestly believe that is where a lot of problems come in. SM and Mom are in a tug of war. Sm won't back off but expects mom to accept this and that when mom is mom and doesn't need to accept anything.


Quoting Lurion:

OMG you read my mind!!!

There are the rare cases where one of the parents is a deadbeat, but most of the time I think everyone would be better off if SM just steps back. 


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Ktina11
by Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:38 PM
2 moms liked this
To support the spouse they are married to. This is completely reasonable.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
newwife1
by Silver Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:39 PM

So none of the women here ever brought their husbands with them for moral support?

Either way, I don't really care. It's not my battle.


momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:39 PM
Great analogy


Quoting packermomof2:




Quoting Rae706:

SP's are effected by just about everything involving skids. I think that makes them more than a spectator. Maybe one parent wants the SP there for moral support, or maybe one parent welcomes their opinion, or maybe they want to consult with the SP before doing anything that is going to directly effect the SP. either way, I do think that is up to each individual parent... Unless said SP makes a spectacle of themselves and gets removed from the courtroom.





In court you are nothing but a spectator, that is what I'm talking about. Yes, the outcome will affect you in some manner. But being a spectator in the court room will not change the outcome.  It can cause more undue stress on all involved, but it is pointless to sit there and watch the parents hash out their issues about their kids just because you can.  
It's like going to a football team and rooting for your favorite team.  You like your team, you hope the game goes in their favor, but whether you're there at the stadium or watching on tv or hear about it third hand, the outcome of the game would have been the same.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:40 PM

Usually this happens when the stepparent's spouse is somehow dependent on them, in my situation, SS has no effect on my life and I don't have any effect on him, I have never cared about custody since I know my husband would never be CP, I think custodial stepparents are somewhat affected by the stepchildren.

Quoting momof2ex1:

I have never understood this. How could a decision regarding my child effect my ex's wife? Or my husband? They aren't the parents.


Quoting Rae706:

SP's are effected by just about everything involving skids. I think that makes them more than a spectator. Maybe one parent wants the SP there for moral support, or maybe one parent welcomes their opinion, or maybe they want to consult with the SP before doing anything that is going to directly effect the SP. either way, I do think that is up to each individual parent... Unless said SP makes a spectacle of themselves and gets removed from the courtroom.




Quoting packermomof2:





Quoting leegirl_jm:

I suspect if a stepparent is involved, it is because a parent wants them involved. If both parents prefer to keep the matters only to themselves, then I don't think stepparents would be in court.




So if one parent wants to keep the battle between the parents is that parent out of luck because the ex doesn't understand that this is not an event where spectators should be welcome?




Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:40 PM
No I never have taken my husband to court with me. My lawyer asked me not to.


Quoting newwife1:

So none of the women here ever brought their husbands with them for moral support?

Either way, I don't really care. It's not my battle.



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