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is a stressful time.  It is hard.  And court shouldn't be a spectator event when parents are trying to work something out that is so personal and dear to them.  

So why do so many SP's want to be involved in that when it really, truly isn't about them no matter how they spin the situation?

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 1:19 PM
Replies (21-30):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:41 PM
This is very true. Spot on!


Quoting KnowItAll:

The thing I don't really like about a SP, usually a SM, being involved in these matters is it gives them a false sense of power.  Just because a SM is present in the courtroom doesn't mean she is any more relevant than any of the other spectators there watching the freak show.  But she *feels* more important than them and she feels that the outcome is going to affect her so she deserves to be there, when the truth is that no matter what the outcome is, she has two choices:  1) accept it and deal with it or 2) divorce her DH and move on.  Her presence in the courtroom isn't going to substantially change the outcome so what difference does it really make if she hears it in court or finds out about it later? 

Since I feel SM's presence isn't relevant, I couldn't care less if she's there or not.  I have no problem putting her in her place when necessary and don't usually have power struggle issues.  There are some SM's that are already on a power trip and really should be excluded from the court room simply to remind them that they aren't the ringleader. 


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newwife1
by Silver Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:43 PM


So had your lawyer not said anything and your husband said to you that he would really love to be there with you and give you support, you would forbid him from going all on your own?

What would you say? This is private matter and you have nothing to do with my kids?

Quoting momof2ex1:

No I never have taken my husband to court with me. My lawyer asked me not to.


Quoting newwife1:

So none of the women here ever brought their husbands with them for moral support?

Either way, I don't really care. It's not my battle.





Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:45 PM

Agreed. When my ex and I had court-I specifically told DH NOT to come.

Ex brought his wife at the time-she was not allowed in the court room and was escorted out because of her behavior.

If DH and BM went to court-I wouldn't go unless I was needed to testify. That's between him and his ex.

Some couples feel that just because they're married-they HAVE to attend court with their spouse.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:46 PM

As a sports fan, in football and cricket, I think in American football also, there is something called home crowd advantage, some sportsmen and women have said the support had a positive effect on their performance.

Quoting packermomof2:


you hope the game goes in their favor, but whether you're there at the stadium or watching on tv or hear about it third hand, the outcome of the game would have been the same.


Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

Rae706
by Silver Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:47 PM
3 moms liked this
Because they live with a parent, because they have their own children who also live with said parent, because they help with SK, because they help with transportation, because they help financially.

How could it not effect the sp?


Quoting momof2ex1:

I have never understood this. How could a decision regarding my child effect my ex's wife? Or my husband? They aren't the parents.




Quoting Rae706:

SP's are effected by just about everything involving skids. I think that makes them more than a spectator. Maybe one parent wants the SP there for moral support, or maybe one parent welcomes their opinion, or maybe they want to consult with the SP before doing anything that is going to directly effect the SP. either way, I do think that is up to each individual parent... Unless said SP makes a spectacle of themselves and gets removed from the courtroom.






Quoting packermomof2:






Quoting leegirl_jm:

I suspect if a stepparent is involved, it is because a parent wants them involved. If both parents prefer to keep the matters only to themselves, then I don't think stepparents would be in court.





So if one parent wants to keep the battle between the parents is that parent out of luck because the ex doesn't understand that this is not an event where spectators should be welcome?




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leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:50 PM

DH's lawyer asked me to go, this was because BM used to especially crazy whenever she sees me.

Quoting momof2ex1:

No I never have taken my husband to court with me. My lawyer asked me not to.


Quoting newwife1:

So none of the women here ever brought their husbands with them for moral support?

Either way, I don't really care. It's not my battle.




Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

Rae706
by Silver Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:52 PM
1 mom liked this
Unless the bio asks SP's opinion. And even if they don't a SP could still be there for moral support just like an aunt or friend. The courtroom is always full of people, why should SP be forced to stay out? It's going to be a spectacle either way.



Quoting packermomof2:




Quoting Rae706:

SP's are effected by just about everything involving skids. I think that makes them more than a spectator. Maybe one parent wants the SP there for moral support, or maybe one parent welcomes their opinion, or maybe they want to consult with the SP before doing anything that is going to directly effect the SP. either way, I do think that is up to each individual parent... Unless said SP makes a spectacle of themselves and gets removed from the courtroom.





In court you are nothing but a spectator, that is what I'm talking about. Yes, the outcome will affect you in some manner. But being a spectator in the court room will not change the outcome.  It can cause more undue stress on all involved, but it is pointless to sit there and watch the parents hash out their issues about their kids just because you can.  
It's like going to a football team and rooting for your favorite team.  You like your team, you hope the game goes in their favor, but whether you're there at the stadium or watching on tv or hear about it third hand, the outcome of the game would have been the same.

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minimoo
by Gold Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:54 PM
1 mom liked this
Dh has only gone to court twice; that was when he was defending himself against false allegations. He didn't even have to testify though BC the judge saw through the bs after not even 5 minutes. The other time was when bf and sm attempted to get a restraining order against him after bf attacked dh (he shoved dd out of the way to get to dh, tried to choke him, sm stepped over dh to start screaming and cuss him out, I rolled out of the car, 9 months pregnant and carried crying dd to the car; she kept saying "he's going to kill him!!"). I went as a witness, so I waited in the hall. Dh came to get me before I had to testify BC the judge asked him to get me for her ruling. She dismissed the restraining order and chastised bf and sm for their behavior. She said that I was the only one who stepped up to get dd out of harm's way (then pointed out that dh would have but couldn't at that moment BC bf was trying to choke him, then looked bf in the eyes and told him "that's how a father is supposed to act. This man supports your child and loves her. This man is there for her and stepped up because you didn't. It might behoove you to learn from him instead of attacking him. He is the one who treats your child the way she deserves."

Other than those times, dh is not there. He takes the day off or works from home to be with the kids. He is far more invested in dd than bf or sm. He also knows I have a brain of my own and am capable of presenting my case without him spoon feeding me questions or answers. The last few times I've had court, my dad and bf's sil have come for moral support. They don't speak, comment, tell me what to say, or anything. I also do not ask for anything that I know dh won't be on board with or that I cannot do by myself. I don't need him there to know his schedule. The one thing that effected him directly was an exchange time for one of the holidays. I thought it through beforehand and asked him his thoughts. If bf asked for a different time, I could articulate the rationale why that wouldn't work. Contrarily, sm comes all the time, even to mediation. She is not there for support, but to attempt to intimidate me and to mark her territory and pretend she has control. She has gotten both herself and bf's brother's bedmate kicked out before. That was pretty funny actually. Bedmate started shouting "objection!" from the back of the courtroom when my lawyer caught her boyfriend in multiple lies. The judge told her to be quiet. Then she screamed "but he's being mean to my man!" and sm started yelling. When the judge told them both to get out, she started screaming that she couldn't do that because dd was "her" child too so she had a right to be there. Judge told them to remove themselves or she would have them removed, and that dd was NOT sm's child, and her allowing her to be in the courtroom as an observer is a privilege, not a right. Sm slammed the door on the way out. Judge sent a bailiff to go speak to them. I really wish I could have been a fly for that one :-) After she stepped out, the judge looked at bf and said "I can see why there is so much drama. Your wife and family love to create it. Then looked at me, shook her head and said "I'm really sorry. For both you and your child."

So, there is a difference between being there for support, and being there because you think you are entitled to make decisions regarding the child. A parent should also be competent to think through things. If they need or want help presenting stuff, that's what a lawyer is for.


Quoting momof2ex1:

I have been in and out of the court room for 7 years. I've seen a lot; I'm a people watcher. I see a lot of women there with the dads. I don't see as many men there with women. According to my lawyer, this is typical. Men don't feel any need or entitlement to other people's children. They don't need to be front Row.

Women on the other hand, tend to not trust their husband to remember to tell the courts 'important information'. They need to be there to make sure it goes the way they plan. They can't sit at home! That would be too nerve wracking and he probably won't remember what to say!!!

That's just fr experience and what I've been told by a lawyer who has been doing this for many many years.

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kkkaaayyyy
by Bronze Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:55 PM


Quoting Ktina11:

To support the spouse they are married to. This is completely reasonable.


mom2boys664
by Bronze Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 2:58 PM
5 moms liked this
This is one of the things that makes divorce so difficult. You now have to accept that your former spouse can invite pretty much who they want into your child's life, and they can allow them any level of involvement they want. And I feel like that is their right to do so as parent.

For me, I would want my dh with me in court if I was battling my ex, and he (the ex) may not like it, but it is my call. Ditto for my ex if he wants to bring his gf/wife. If the step parent oversteps, who is really to blame? I think it is the parent that granted that access. As to why the stepparent wants to be there, I would say to support their spouse, to put their 2cents in, to butt in, to feel like they contributed or just because they love the child. There are lots of reasons, good and bad, but I think they have a reason to be there simply because their spouse wants them to be.
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