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is a stressful time.  It is hard.  And court shouldn't be a spectator event when parents are trying to work something out that is so personal and dear to them.  

So why do so many SP's want to be involved in that when it really, truly isn't about them no matter how they spin the situation?

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 1:19 PM
Replies (31-40):
sid1083
by Bronze Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:01 PM
But won't you (general) get a copy of the court's decision mailed to your house? Why is what SO relays not good enough until you get the official decision?

Quoting Rae706:

Because they live with a parent, because they have their own children who also live with said parent, because they help with SK, because they help with transportation, because they help financially.



How could it not effect the sp?




Quoting momof2ex1:

I have never understood this. How could a decision regarding my child effect my ex's wife? Or my husband? They aren't the parents.






Quoting Rae706:

SP's are effected by just about everything involving skids. I think that makes them more than a spectator. Maybe one parent wants the SP there for moral support, or maybe one parent welcomes their opinion, or maybe they want to consult with the SP before doing anything that is going to directly effect the SP. either way, I do think that is up to each individual parent... Unless said SP makes a spectacle of themselves and gets removed from the courtroom.








Quoting packermomof2:







Quoting leegirl_jm:

I suspect if a stepparent is involved, it is because a parent wants them involved. If both parents prefer to keep the matters only to themselves, then I don't think stepparents would be in court.






So if one parent wants to keep the battle between the parents is that parent out of luck because the ex doesn't understand that this is not an event where spectators should be welcome?




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MrsSufi
by Bronze Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:02 PM

I really dont see where a court decision wouldnt affect an SP.  - Are you deciding child support?  Comes out of someone's household budget.  Are you deciding visitation?  Someone is responsible for driving, times and someone will have visitors in their home. What school the kids go to?  money, transportation, activities, all usually involve a step parent in some way. 
Court is scary if you are not used to it.  I also think traditionally women are in charge of the household budgets - so when money arrangements are made - its the women who know what is going where when and why or how much they can afford etc.
I only went to a few court hearings for my DH - He would clam up and not remember anything. It was painful to watch. (and when I say not remember anything, I do not mean I told him what to say - but simple things like BM's attorney would claim SD missed school and DH wouldnt be able to remember his daughter was sick just 2 days ago - not because he wasnt the one responsible but because he would freeze once he entered the court room).
I dont know first hand how BM would have behaved because she rarely showed up for court since she lived out of state. (although the stories DH told were doozies) I can tell you the judge was never very impressed with a mom that filed court proceedings and then just sent her attorney.  She did show up the few times the minor children were required to appear - in those events I did not go as our attorney advised it was better to keep the drama down for the sake of the children's well being in case BM went bezerk over me being there.

Rae706
by Silver Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:02 PM
1 mom liked this
I think there are just as many BM's turning these situations into power struggles as there are SM's. sometimes SM's mere presence is threatening to BM. SM wanting to be in court with BF doesn't necessarily mean that she feels any more important than anyone else in the room. Maybe she wants to support DH, maybe she just wants to hear exactly what happens. My DH is awful about relaying details. You can ask him a direct question after he gets off the phone, and his answer will be I don't know.

I do think its crazy how women consistently turn everything into a power struggle and I can honestly say I try my best to not live my life like that. Looking back, my relationship growing ip with my mother was always a power struggle. She is still obsessed with control. I sincerely hope I don't turn out like that.


Quoting KnowItAll:

The thing I don't really like about a SP, usually a SM, being involved in these matters is it gives them a false sense of power.  Just because a SM is present in the courtroom doesn't mean she is any more relevant than any of the other spectators there watching the freak show.  But she *feels* more important than them and she feels that the outcome is going to affect her so she deserves to be there, when the truth is that no matter what the outcome is, she has two choices:  1) accept it and deal with it or 2) divorce her DH and move on.  Her presence in the courtroom isn't going to substantially change the outcome so what difference does it really make if she hears it in court or finds out about it later? 

Since I feel SM's presence isn't relevant, I couldn't care less if she's there or not.  I have no problem putting her in her place when necessary and don't usually have power struggle issues.  There are some SM's that are already on a power trip and really should be excluded from the court room simply to remind them that they aren't the ringleader. 


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Rae706
by Silver Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:06 PM
2 moms liked this
Not every husband feels comfortable making life changing decisions without consulting their spouse. If DH wants SM there, why should BM get to make the decision?

Honestly it sounds like the issue is more about BM losing control. Losing control of BM and losing control of BF. SM being in court is just one more thing to control. Why is that necessary? No judge is going to let any SP act a fool during court. So what's it matter if they are wanted there by BF?


Quoting sid1083:

But won't you (general) get a copy of the court's decision mailed to your house? Why is what SO relays not good enough until you get the official decision?



Quoting Rae706:

Because they live with a parent, because they have their own children who also live with said parent, because they help with SK, because they help with transportation, because they help financially.





How could it not effect the sp?






Quoting momof2ex1:

I have never understood this. How could a decision regarding my child effect my ex's wife? Or my husband? They aren't the parents.








Quoting Rae706:

SP's are effected by just about everything involving skids. I think that makes them more than a spectator. Maybe one parent wants the SP there for moral support, or maybe one parent welcomes their opinion, or maybe they want to consult with the SP before doing anything that is going to directly effect the SP. either way, I do think that is up to each individual parent... Unless said SP makes a spectacle of themselves and gets removed from the courtroom.










Quoting packermomof2:








Quoting leegirl_jm:

I suspect if a stepparent is involved, it is because a parent wants them involved. If both parents prefer to keep the matters only to themselves, then I don't think stepparents would be in court.







So if one parent wants to keep the battle between the parents is that parent out of luck because the ex doesn't understand that this is not an event where spectators should be welcome?





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leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:08 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree.

Quoting Rae706:

I think there are just as many BM's turning these situations into power struggles as there are SM's. sometimes SM's mere presence is threatening to BM. SM wanting to be in court with BF doesn't necessarily mean that she feels any more important than anyone else in the room. Maybe she wants to support DH, maybe she just wants to hear exactly what happens. My DH is awful about relaying details. You can ask him a direct question after he gets off the phone, and his answer will be I don't know.

I do think its crazy how women consistently turn everything into a power struggle and I can honestly say I try my best to not live my life like that. Looking back, my relationship growing ip with my mother was always a power struggle. She is still obsessed with control. I sincerely hope I don't turn out like that.


Quoting KnowItAll:

The thing I don't really like about a SP, usually a SM, being involved in these matters is it gives them a false sense of power.  Just because a SM is present in the courtroom doesn't mean she is any more relevant than any of the other spectators there watching the freak show.  But she *feels* more important than them and she feels that the outcome is going to affect her so she deserves to be there, when the truth is that no matter what the outcome is, she has two choices:  1) accept it and deal with it or 2) divorce her DH and move on.  Her presence in the courtroom isn't going to substantially change the outcome so what difference does it really make if she hears it in court or finds out about it later? 

Since I feel SM's presence isn't relevant, I couldn't care less if she's there or not.  I have no problem putting her in her place when necessary and don't usually have power struggle issues.  There are some SM's that are already on a power trip and really should be excluded from the court room simply to remind them that they aren't the ringleader. 



Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:12 PM
1 mom liked this

I have no problem with a SP being there to support their spouse.  That's why I said I couldn't care less if SM is there or not as she is no more important than any of the other spectators there.  I just think the ones who do think they are running the show should be put in their place and kicked out.  And that also goes for any Stepdad that may feel that way as well, even though it doesn't happen as often.  But when you have a SM that has done things like sign her own name on a form as being the mother, and that kind of crap, I say kick her ass out.  She clearly has issues.  You know? 

Quoting Rae706:

I think there are just as many BM's turning these situations into power struggles as there are SM's. sometimes SM's mere presence is threatening to BM. SM wanting to be in court with BF doesn't necessarily mean that she feels any more important than anyone else in the room. Maybe she wants to support DH, maybe she just wants to hear exactly what happens. My DH is awful about relaying details. You can ask him a direct question after he gets off the phone, and his answer will be I don't know.

I do think its crazy how women consistently turn everything into a power struggle and I can honestly say I try my best to not live my life like that. Looking back, my relationship growing ip with my mother was always a power struggle. She is still obsessed with control. I sincerely hope I don't turn out like that.


Quoting KnowItAll:

The thing I don't really like about a SP, usually a SM, being involved in these matters is it gives them a false sense of power.  Just because a SM is present in the courtroom doesn't mean she is any more relevant than any of the other spectators there watching the freak show.  But she *feels* more important than them and she feels that the outcome is going to affect her so she deserves to be there, when the truth is that no matter what the outcome is, she has two choices:  1) accept it and deal with it or 2) divorce her DH and move on.  Her presence in the courtroom isn't going to substantially change the outcome so what difference does it really make if she hears it in court or finds out about it later? 

Since I feel SM's presence isn't relevant, I couldn't care less if she's there or not.  I have no problem putting her in her place when necessary and don't usually have power struggle issues.  There are some SM's that are already on a power trip and really should be excluded from the court room simply to remind them that they aren't the ringleader. 



Happily Married | BM to DD13  DD13  DD11 | Mom to DS7 & DS3 | CP

Busymom855
by Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:13 PM
1 mom liked this
Most of the time courts are public. Once it becomes a judgement it's public record. Who cares if SM or SF are in the court room. If they get out of line they are made to leave. I don't see the big deal with it.
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packermomof2
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:14 PM



Quoting newwife1:

So none of the women here ever brought their husbands with them for moral support?

Either way, I don't really care. It's not my battle.


I didn't.  And I had a very ugly custody battle.  He didn't go to the custody evaluator's office either until the evaluator asked to speak to him.  As you said, it wasn't his batle.

My ex brought his entire family.  Made it easier for the judge to tell them to back off, but outside of that? It was pointless.


"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:17 PM
I could agree with that if you change it to 'some'. It isn't about control for me. It is about what the judge liked. What my attorney suggested I do. Now I see the bigger picture and why a judge may not like to see new paramours in the court room battling over a child.. If it is a power struggle for a mom, then what is SMs point in being there? It's a power struggle for her as well? There is only a struggle when two people are struggling. Right? Sounds like SM/SP should just let go of the struggle and let mom be mom and Dad be dad.


Quoting Rae706:

Not every husband feels comfortable making life changing decisions without consulting their spouse. If DH wants SM there, why should BM get to make the decision?



Honestly it sounds like the issue is more about BM losing control. Losing control of BM and losing control of BF. SM being in court is just one more thing to control. Why is that necessary? No judge is going to let any SP act a fool during court. So what's it matter if they are wanted there by BF?




Quoting sid1083:

But won't you (general) get a copy of the court's decision mailed to your house? Why is what SO relays not good enough until you get the official decision?





Quoting Rae706:

Because they live with a parent, because they have their own children who also live with said parent, because they help with SK, because they help with transportation, because they help financially.







How could it not effect the sp?








Quoting momof2ex1:

I have never understood this. How could a decision regarding my child effect my ex's wife? Or my husband? They aren't the parents.










Quoting Rae706:

SP's are effected by just about everything involving skids. I think that makes them more than a spectator. Maybe one parent wants the SP there for moral support, or maybe one parent welcomes their opinion, or maybe they want to consult with the SP before doing anything that is going to directly effect the SP. either way, I do think that is up to each individual parent... Unless said SP makes a spectacle of themselves and gets removed from the courtroom.












Quoting packermomof2:









Quoting leegirl_jm:

I suspect if a stepparent is involved, it is because a parent wants them involved. If both parents prefer to keep the matters only to themselves, then I don't think stepparents would be in court.








So if one parent wants to keep the battle between the parents is that parent out of luck because the ex doesn't understand that this is not an event where spectators should be welcome?






Posted on CafeMom Mobile
packermomof2
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:18 PM



Quoting leegirl_jm:

As a sports fan, in football and cricket, I think in American football also, there is something called home crowd advantage, some sportsmen and women have said the support had a positive effect on their performance.

As an American Football fan, I disagree with that even though it is said often.  The cards will fall where they fall regardless of whether they are at home or on the road (the Seahawks being, IMO, an anomaly and only winning at home during the regular season this last season, but not on the road, not many teams actually do that). 
Support is helpful, but it will not determine the outcome either in football or in court.  SM can sit there and smile at mom, knowing that her being there is causing irritation, but the fact is, SM being there is not going to sway the judge dad's way.  



"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
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