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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

is a stressful time.  It is hard.  And court shouldn't be a spectator event when parents are trying to work something out that is so personal and dear to them.  

So why do so many SP's want to be involved in that when it really, truly isn't about them no matter how they spin the situation?

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 1:19 PM
Replies (41-50):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:19 PM
I know that ALL courts and states are different. Typically in family court where minors are involved, those are not public record at all. You can't even get a copy of the court records unless you are a party to the case and I've actually asked to have some of our stuff sealed. And it was approved.


Quoting Busymom855:

Most of the time courts are public. Once it becomes a judgement it's public record. Who cares if SM or SF are in the court room. If they get out of line they are made to leave. I don't see the big deal with it.

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ndfan
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:19 PM

You can ask the judge to have the sp to leave thats what i did and she had to leave

packermomof2
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:20 PM



Quoting Rae706:

Unless the bio asks SP's opinion. And even if they don't a SP could still be there for moral support just like an aunt or friend. The courtroom is always full of people, why should SP be forced to stay out? It's going to be a spectacle either way.


It wasn't full during my batle.  Around here things like that are not open to the public nor should they be.  I don't think aunts and uncles and grandparents should be allowed in either unless both parents are on board with it as there is no good reason for it.  You can support from the waiting area if you must be at the courthouse, but in the room?  Your presence isn't needed anymore than a SP's is.



"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
packermomof2
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:22 PM



Quoting mom2boys664:

. If the step parent oversteps, who is really to blame?
Assuming the SP has half a brain?  The SP.  But I'm a huge believer in personal responsibility.  The parent is responsible for bringing this person in the kids lives, the SP is responsible for not accepting boundaries.


"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
honey27
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:24 PM

i think all step parents should stay out of it it makes the situation less stressful. i asked my ex to keep hi s new girl at home because i didnt want more drama than it already was and he said ok.

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:28 PM

I think the evidence speaks otherwise as to home crowd advantage in sports (in general) so perhaps not the best analogy. Maybe Dad feels more confident with his wife there and that is all that her presence is needed for, not to sway the judge.

Quoting packermomof2:



Quoting leegirl_jm:

As a sports fan, in football and cricket, I think in American football also, there is something called home crowd advantage, some sportsmen and women have said the support had a positive effect on their performance.

As an American Football fan, I disagree with that even though it is said often.  The cards will fall where they fall regardless of whether they are at home or on the road (the Seahawks being, IMO, an anomaly and only winning at home during the regular season this last season, but not on the road, not many teams actually do that). 
Support is helpful, but it will not determine the outcome either in football or in court.  SM can sit there and smile at mom, knowing that her being there is causing irritation, but the fact is, SM being there is not going to sway the judge dad's way.  




Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

Lurion
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:30 PM


You mean whenever a stepmom is upfront, it is usually the father who wants it that way? I'm not sure what you're saying. :)

Quoting leegirl_jm:

True, however whenever a stepparent is upfront, it is usually a parent who wants it that way.

Quoting Lurion:

OMG you read my mind!!!

There are the rare cases where one of the parents is a deadbeat, but most of the time I think everyone would be better off if SM just steps back. 




packermomof2
by on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:31 PM



Quoting MrsSufi:

I really dont see where a court decision wouldnt affect an SP.  - Are you deciding child support?  Comes out of someone's household budget.   Is you siting in the courtroom going to change the fact it comes out of the household budget?


Are you deciding visitation?  Someone is responsible for driving, times and someone will have visitors in their home. The parent is responsible for driving and I doubt the parent is viewing their children as visitors even if the SP is.  However, you siting in the courtroom won't change any of this.

What school the kids go to?  money, transportation, activities, all usually involve a step parent in some way.    Usually?  Really?  My kids former SM was responsible for none of that.  My husband, who lives with my children, is responsible for none of that.  I know many divorced parents and I see moms showing up without a man in tow to games, conferences, school events whereas there are plenty of remarried dads dragging their new woman along to these things.  That, however, doesn't make the SM responsible for any of it.  The kids go to school in the school they are zoned for, unless I decide to move them to where I work (I work in the district and can have my kids where I am if I so choose) - that isn't a decision that needs to be made by any SP.
Court is scary if you are not used to it.  I also think traditionally women are in charge of the household budgets - so when money arrangements are made - its the women who know what is going where when and why or how much they can afford etc.  Is dad unable to tell you that CS goes up or down?  Do you whip out the bills and calculator right there in court and start working on the budget?  I just want to add to that I'm glad I married a man with a brain who can budget his own money and doesn't need me to do it for him, but that is neither here nor there.

Yes, court is scary.  But so are many things and sometimes we have to deal with things that are scary.  I think men are more scared of court than women and that is why there are so many SM's there vs. SFs.  There was nothing my husband could do to protect me from the big, bad scary court - it was what it was.  Him being there wouldn't have helped anything at all.

I only went to a few court hearings for my DH - He would clam up and not remember anything. It was painful to watch. (and when I say not remember anything, I do not mean I told him what to say - but simple things like BM's attorney would claim SD missed school and DH wouldnt be able to remember his daughter was sick just 2 days ago - not because he wasnt the one responsible but because he would freeze once he entered the court room).  Then why watch ?  You being there he STILL forgot so how did you sitting there help anything?  



"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:34 PM

When I say parent, I mean the bioparent, so yes if the stepparent is upfront, it is usually because the stepparent's spouse (Mom or Dad) who want it that way, Stepdads overstep too.

Quoting Lurion:


You mean whenever a stepmom is upfront, it is usually the father who wants it that way? I'm not sure what you're saying. :)

Quoting leegirl_jm:

True, however whenever a stepparent is upfront, it is usually a parent who wants it that way.

Quoting Lurion:

OMG you read my mind!!!

There are the rare cases where one of the parents is a deadbeat, but most of the time I think everyone would be better off if SM just steps back. 





Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

Busymom855
by Member on Feb. 17, 2013 at 3:34 PM
In NC it's public that's why it's not a deal big to me. If I was in a state were it's not public, I may different.


Quoting momof2ex1:

I know that ALL courts and states are different. Typically in family court where minors are involved, those are not public record at all. You can't even get a copy of the court records unless you are a party to the case and I've actually asked to have some of our stuff sealed. And it was approved.




Quoting Busymom855:

Most of the time courts are public. Once it becomes a judgement it's public record. Who cares if SM or SF are in the court room. If they get out of line they are made to leave. I don't see the big deal with it.


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