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How do you handle the situation when your husband does not back you up when discipline his kids?

Posted by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 10:38 AM
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I am a new stepmom of 2 months now, I tend not to try to discipline my husbands kids, I want to be the "nice guy" not their mother, they have one already.  But when something is important to me, I will put my 2 cents in and voice my opinion.  (I feel if I said everything I thought, they would hate me) so I tend to keep to myself on a lot of things.  If I do say something to them (2 girls), tell them to change their clothes, because the pants they are wearing are too short, or comb your hair or brush your teeth.. little things like that, I would like my husband to back me up.    That happened this weekend, and when the one daughter said no I am not changing I said yes, she said no, I said ok then I will tell your father, she said go ahead, he said for her to listen to me, but still she did not change her pants and he did not make her.  He then told me to choose my battles and that was the end of the story.  I am very frustrated, if I am going to say something, he needs to back me up.. big or little issues!

by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 10:38 AM
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child_of_fire
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 10:43 AM
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I would stop saying anything. If your husband doesn't want you to discipline (which he clearly doesn't, or he'd back you up), then you are being set up to be the bad guy. Really, their wearing clothes that are too short doesn't affect you, so don't let it. I'm a CSM and I do say things like "you can't wear that". DSD listens to me. But that's the relationship we have, and one that was encouraged by her father and now her mother too. Otherwise it wouldn't work.
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shoptravellove
by Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 10:44 AM
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I totally agree with you and as a newbie to this forum, I'm still not quite sure what the "normal" stance is on disclipling the skids.   I posted that me and my BF have an issue in the fact that he does not discipline and I was advised that I had no right to interfere, so I'm really curious to see what is posted in your case.

However, I am of the belief that it is the adults that run the household, not kids.   If you are the adult in your household, then you have a right to say what goes on in that house and how kids or guests that enter your house are to behave when present.    You and DH should also present a united front in this situtation so the kids do not learn to manipulate one or the other.  Your DH does sound like my BF in that he does not enforce any rules or back you up when you try to which is completely wrong and I hope that you two can work it out for everyone's sake and sanity!  LOL

packermomof2
by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 10:47 AM
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His advice was good.  Don't engage in the clothes battle. He saw nothing wrong with it, the kid wasn't embarassed to be wearing pants that were too short, just let it go.  If the clothing show way too much skin just don't take her out in public with you, but sometimes picking your battles is what needs to be done.

packermomof2
by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 10:50 AM



Quoting shoptravellove:

  You and DH should also present a united front in this situtation so the kids do not learn to manipulate one or the other.   How about the nonparent get on the parents page and they present a united front that way instead of expecting the parent to get on the nonparents page so the nonparent feels they are presenting a united front?

Yes, adults run the house, not the kids.  But when the kids aren't yours and there is a parent present and the parent is fine with something, that is who the kid is going to listen to.  Because most kids are taught to listen to their parents and if their parents say yes or no to something that is that.  So, dad didn't fight it, kid wore the pants.  If dad wants to engage in that battle, fine, but it is his to engage in, not his wife's when dad is right there.



"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
Sadie514
by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 10:52 AM
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Whether its SOs daughter or my own, if they insist on wearing something I let them wear it but if I am supposed to be taking them somewhere they don't go if they are wearing something that will embarrass me. If we are sitting around the house idc what they wear.
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Sadie514
by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 10:54 AM
Oh & of they refuse to brush their teeth I scare them with how cavities are filled (my own kids) & if they don't brush their hair I explain that when it gets knotted to a certain point their hair gets chopped off real short bc I'm not fighting with it to get the knots out.
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laughnchica
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 10:59 AM
I would talk to DH about it and how you feel about it before taking it to the kid personally. Maybe if he understood what you were thinking, he would side with you more. If not, leave it alone. The way his kids look or act will reflect on him, not you. And yes the adults make the household rules but her pants being too short doesn't really affect you, does it? It it doesn't directly affect you, I wouldn't worry too much about it
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pepper504
by Gold Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:02 AM

I am a NCPSM.  I used to get on DH about SS14's hygiene.  The kid does not brush his teeth nor bathe/shower when he is at our house.  DH would get mad at me.  So I told him that if he did not care that his child did not take care of his hygiene, then neither did I.  If his child was not embarassed to go out in public looking like he had not showered in a week and had stuff stuck in his braces, then so be it.  Not my kid, not my problem.  I have my own battles to fight with my 15 year old DD. 

So, moral of the story, if DH is not wanting to discpline his children with regards to their hygiene, there is nothing that you can do about it.  They already know that dad is not going to say anything to them, so you trying to fight this battle is moot. 

Hugs.

shoptravellove
by Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:08 AM
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I agree with you to a point where the parent is certainly the one to make the rules or determine what they are okay with, although I do not think it is a good idea to diagree with the SM right in front of the kids.  

However, I am also of the belief, that if it is a house that I own/co-own/pay rent, whatever, no matter if the parent is there or not, I have a say of what goes on in that house.   Now, something like clothes are not that big of a deal, but just as an example of where I am coming from....say if the parent says the kids are allowed to eat food in their room, or sit on top of the kitchen counter whereas the rule in the house is that food is only eaten in the kitchen and you do not sit on anything that is not a chair, the parent should not go behind the SMs back and allow it.   It really doesnt matter if it is a skid or even a friend's kid that visits, if there are rules in my house that are not being followed then yes, as the owner of that house and an adult, I have every right to have a say on how people act when they are visiting, no matter who they are or who is present.  All kids should actually be taught to obey adults, whether they are a parent, stepparent, police officer, teacher, boss, etc.  If not, then when they do get older they are of the belief themselves that "I dont have to listen to you (teacher, boss, parent of a friend, etc.) because you aren't my mom/dad".   

What was that old adage "It takes a village to raise a child"?


Quoting packermomof2:



Quoting shoptravellove:

  You and DH should also present a united front in this situtation so the kids do not learn to manipulate one or the other.   How about the nonparent get on the parents page and they present a united front that way instead of expecting the parent to get on the nonparents page so the nonparent feels they are presenting a united front?

Yes, adults run the house, not the kids.  But when the kids aren't yours and there is a parent present and the parent is fine with something, that is who the kid is going to listen to.  Because most kids are taught to listen to their parents and if their parents say yes or no to something that is that.  So, dad didn't fight it, kid wore the pants.  If dad wants to engage in that battle, fine, but it is his to engage in, not his wife's when dad is right there.





Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:11 AM

I stopped disciplining the kids.  I had a long talk with him and he stepped up more. 

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