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How do you handle the situation when your husband does not back you up when discipline his kids?

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I am a new stepmom of 2 months now, I tend not to try to discipline my husbands kids, I want to be the "nice guy" not their mother, they have one already.  But when something is important to me, I will put my 2 cents in and voice my opinion.  (I feel if I said everything I thought, they would hate me) so I tend to keep to myself on a lot of things.  If I do say something to them (2 girls), tell them to change their clothes, because the pants they are wearing are too short, or comb your hair or brush your teeth.. little things like that, I would like my husband to back me up.    That happened this weekend, and when the one daughter said no I am not changing I said yes, she said no, I said ok then I will tell your father, she said go ahead, he said for her to listen to me, but still she did not change her pants and he did not make her.  He then told me to choose my battles and that was the end of the story.  I am very frustrated, if I am going to say something, he needs to back me up.. big or little issues!

by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 10:38 AM
Replies (11-20):
packermomof2
by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:15 AM



Quoting shoptravellove:


What was that old adage "It takes a village to raise a child"?


The ratio of normal villagers to village idiots is too high for my liking.
That is a saying that comes from Africa. We aren't in Africa (well, most of us here, I'm sure there are some).  We have a different culture.  Not everyone agrees with that saying, not everyone lives by it.  Most people can handle the raising of their kids without a SP's input (they'd have to if they were married to each other or single).  I get that they aren't either of those two things, but that doesn't mean anyone has to welcome others into the overall raising of the kids.  

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
mom2boys664
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:26 AM

Cracking me up, lol.  I hate that saying :) 


The ratio of normal villagers to village idiots is too high for my liking.


 

3munschkins
by Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:32 AM

If BF is not going to back you up then just sit back and let him handle it....It will cause you more stress and problems if you continue.... He has the be the one taking care of it....

shoptravellove
by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:33 AM
2 moms liked this

Never said that they HAD to welcome the person in, but if they plan to marry someone that will become a SM to their kids, then they certainly should.

I guess I raised my DD differently years ago compared to what parents do now, but I won't comment on how society has also gotten worse and more entitled!    If I was with my DD and another parent told her to not do something, as long as it was not something that I vehemently disagreed with, I would tell her to listen and obey.     Before my current BF (and my DD also had a BD and SM), I never got into the disagreements over who was "allowed" to discipline her.   She was also disciplined alot more by my ex husband who was her stepdad than I did and again, as long as it was not something that I seriously disagreed with, she was expected to obey.   She was taught to obey adults, no matter who they were (except for weird strangers of course).


Quoting packermomof2:



Quoting shoptravellove:


What was that old adage "It takes a village to raise a child"?


The ratio of normal villagers to village idiots is too high for my liking.
That is a saying that comes from Africa. We aren't in Africa (well, most of us here, I'm sure there are some).  We have a different culture.  Not everyone agrees with that saying, not everyone lives by it.  Most people can handle the raising of their kids without a SP's input (they'd have to if they were married to each other or single).  I get that they aren't either of those two things, but that doesn't mean anyone has to welcome others into the overall raising of the kids.  



Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 11:41 AM

if they wanna run around looking like street urchins and be filthy-let it go.

Obviously Dad doesn't care.

Remember-not my child, not my problem.

I tell my skids ONCE. If it doesn't get done-I'll let dad handle it. The only time I will press the issue is when it's been several days since they bathed and my house smells like pits and raw ass. That's when I break out the febreeze and fumigate everything.

packermomof2
by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 12:04 PM



Quoting shoptravellove:

Never said that they HAD to welcome the person in, but if they plan to marry someone that will become a SM to their kids, then they certainly should.  I don't plan on marrying anyone who will become a SM to my kids, so I guess I'm off the hook, huh?  :)  

My husband was not part of my village for years.  Not while dating, not while engaged, and not even while married for a while.  I took care of everything.  I used a daycare and not him for childcare, I took my kids with me for errands, I handled all discipline, I never asked for his opinion. It took a few years for me to be okay with him being involved and it was a gradual thing for me to allow him to do so.  Why?  Because 1) I didn't remarry to have someone help me with my kids, I got married because not only did I love him but I find him incredibly hot and I like having my eye candy around as much as possible :) and 2) I don't trust easily where my kids are concerned.  My own mother isn't allowed around my kids without me present due things she has done, I Have a brother in law who isn't allowed around my kids without me because he spanked one of them while my sister was keeping the kids, and I have ROFR in my order so no SM will be alone with my children unless I trust her (which will take years and, at my kids ages, I'm less worried for them as they'll let a SM know when she's crossed a line (at least one of them will and he'll do it for both kids).  

I guess I raised my DD differently years ago compared to what parents do now, but I won't comment on how society has also gotten worse and more entitled!  

I was raised with strict rules and standards and high expectations by my really old school grandparents (for the most part), in the church (so with church people guiding), and on occasion by my mother.  Whose standards were low and she wasn't a good mother which is why the grandparnets had us most of the time - she let her husband's (yes, mulitiple) run things.  She didn't care they abused us. She didn't care about anything but keeping a man around.  

If it wasn't for the church and my grandparents I'd be screwed.   I hold my kids to high standards, have high expectations, and would be embarrassed if my kids acted like some of these kids do today (and I work in a junior high so I have a pretty good clue as to how kids are acting even when their parents are there)


 If I was with my DD and another parent told her to not do something, as long as it was not something that I vehemently disagreed with, I would tell her to listen and obey.   Whadayaknow? I do the same thing.


  Before my current BF (and my DD also had a BD and SM), I never got into the disagreements over who was "allowed" to discipline her.   She was also disciplined alot more by my ex husband who was her stepdad than I did and again, as long as it was not something that I seriously disagreed with, she was expected to obey.   She was taught to obey adults, no matter who they were (except for weird strangers of course).

I teach my kids to respect adults and to obey if it is something they know I'm okay with.  They do not, however, I expect the parents to handle most things with my kids.  

An example from the archives: My daughter plays softball.  She has her own gear that is 100% responsible for.  She keeps it bagged up, she carries it to and from the fields, she makes sure she has it all. This is my rule for my child.

 My kids former SM went to a couple of games.  One night it was ex's night for the kids and we were doing the exchange there. I told my kid to get her stuff together and carry it to the car.  She was listening.  Her SM told her to give it to her to carry.  The kid said "no, I got it, it's okay"... so the woman told my ex to get the bag from her. He turned around to get it and I told him no, the kid knows it is her job and she's doing it.  

It wasn't a big deal at all, really.  But I was right there, my daughter knew it was her responsibility and was handling it, and SM thought she could dictate something because she was there.  She didn't get her way, she walked off in a huff right after she also told my ex to carry the boy child and I said no, he can walk (was about 6 or 7) and he was acting the part of a baby because he was being treated as such (he used baby talk and asked the man to pick him up after I had told SM no the kid can walk)... 

Most other parents let the parents handle things when the parent is right there with their child.  If I didn't see my kid doing something he shouldn't have done and someone said knock it off, that was one thing, I never care about others doing that.  But I do care if I do see something and another parent interjects themselves into the situation.  But most don't do that and I don't want SP's doing it either.

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 12:06 PM

Not your kid, not your problem, and if the parent doesn't have a problem, don't make it your problem.

Dana333810
by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 12:19 PM
Christ almighty woman, you are a riot!!!

Quoting Tigress22304:

if they wanna run around looking like street urchins and be filthy-let it go.

Obviously Dad doesn't care.

Remember-not my child, not my problem.

I tell my skids ONCE. If it doesn't get done-I'll let dad handle it. The only time I will press the issue is when it's been several days since they bathed and my house smells like pits and raw ass. That's when I break out the febreeze and fumigate everything.

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sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Feb. 18, 2013 at 12:21 PM

The skids were sitting in their bedroom with their electronics with the door closed and the window blinds shut...smelled like fried farts up there when I went to chase them downstairs...BLEAH!!!


Quoting Tigress22304:

if they wanna run around looking like street urchins and be filthy-let it go.

Obviously Dad doesn't care.

Remember-not my child, not my problem.

I tell my skids ONCE. If it doesn't get done-I'll let dad handle it. The only time I will press the issue is when it's been several days since they bathed and my house smells like pits and raw ass. That's when I break out the febreeze and fumigate everything.



Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Feb. 18, 2013 at 12:31 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting Dana333810:

Christ almighty woman, you are a riot!!!

Quoting Tigress22304:

if they wanna run around looking like street urchins and be filthy-let it go.

Obviously Dad doesn't care.

Remember-not my child, not my problem.

I tell my skids ONCE. If it doesn't get done-I'll let dad handle it. The only time I will press the issue is when it's been several days since they bathed and my house smells like pits and raw ass. That's when I break out the febreeze and fumigate everything.

ask sd11-she'll tell you-I'm BRUTAL!

once sd11 walked past dd8-and she's like "sissy, you stinky!" sd11 got pissed and made a comment about dd8 smelling and dd8 smelled her pits and said-NOT UH I SMELL LIKE POWDER! I"M CLEAN! i think sometimes I go a little overboard with the freshness


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