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This is a vent, a mostly irrational vent. I'm just throwing that out there.

It's very annoying to me how much information BM and BM's mom seem to have, and get, about my bio-kids and my family. SD is a talker, so I don't know how much of it is just information SD wants to share with them, or how much is being asked for her to give, you know?

She came home tonight from her weekend visit with BM full of stories about what she did with grandma. One story was all about how grandma asked this, and then grandma asked that, etc. We got a dog for DD6, his current title is an emotional support dog, he's being trained to be certified as a therapy dog, and will eventually be trained as a service dog to help with her anxiety and Autism-like behaviors. Anyways, SD told me how she was telling grandma about it and grandma said, "But I thought you could have dogs at your apartment complex?" I have NO idea how grandma knew that, other than she or BM could have done some research about where we live. So, SD tells me how she explained to grandma about DD6 and needing a therapy dog. Then SD says, "Then grandma asked WHY DD needs a therapy dog, so I told her about how DD might have Autism and has ADHD and takes medication and everything. And then grandma asked what medication DD was on, but I couldn't remember the name."

I don't want to tell SD to keep things from BM or grandma, I think it's wrong to encourage children to keep secrets from adults (with the exception of presents or surprise parties, etc). But, I also don't want BM and specifically grandma (who I think may be considering trying to get custody as she's previously asked, and then demanded BM sign over custody to her) using SD as a way to get information about my other children. Anything related to SD or anything that could possibly concern SD is shared with BM, what she chooses to share with grandma (BM's mom) is up to her).

I just smiled and told SD that it sounded like she had a really good time, but it was late and time to get ready for bed. Obviously I have no control over what BM and/or grandma ask SD, but I don't feel comfortable telling SD that she shouldn't/isn't allowed to talk about her siblings or other family members or anything when she's with BM and grandma. Her life with us is her life, and it would be wrong to tell her she can't dicuss that with the rest of her family members. I don't think there's a real solution here... It's just very frustrating that they seem to be digging for information about my other children.

by on Feb. 19, 2013 at 1:40 AM
Replies (11-20):
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Feb. 19, 2013 at 1:26 PM

The issue isn't even BM, it's BM's mom. I don't think BM could possible care less about what goes on at our house, so long as she's not the one having to take care of SD.

BM's mom is the issue. Every time she talks to SD all I hear is SD answering questions about DH, myself, or the other kids. It's freaking annoying. BM's mom knows DS is on an IEP for stuttering and writing issues, she knows DD is on a 504 plan ALL kinds of stuff that is NONE of her business.

And the reason I haven't said anything to SD is because I don't want her to feel bad about it. I don't want to make her feel like she's doing something wrong, or that she can't talk about her family members here with her family members there. I hated that as a kid, my biological father and his family would get really pissed when I talked about my parents or my siblings. But, I was with them 24/7 and only saw my biological father and his family once or twice a year. 99% of my life revolved around my parents and siblings, and it's the same for SD. 


Quoting vwd_johnson:

Unfortunately you and BM are family in a way. You share family members, therefor she will probably always know more business than you'd like. It sucks, but it just comes with it. F you tell SD not to say things, you'll probably make her feel bad because she'll feel like she did something wrong and not necessarily understand it right now.

Maybe try to just keep quiet on things you want to keep private. obviously, the dog and autism is something impossible to keep quiet, but yeah.



Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Feb. 19, 2013 at 1:31 PM

SD is 12, she'll be 13 in a couple months, but develpmentally about 8-9ish. She's gotten used to BM's mom asking a lot of questions about us, so it's kind of second nature to just give out all the information. If I were to tell SD, "Somethings are private and we don't talk about them with others." She's just going to repeat that to grandma, "SM says somethings are private and we don't talk about them with others." And grandma's just gonna get all pissy.

In all honesty, there's nothing SD can say to grandma that could be used against us in any way, shape, or form. It's just annoying. SD will talk to grandma on the phone every other month or so. SD is not quiet when she's on the phone, so I can hear her half of the conversation all the time. It's ridiculous because I hear, "No, SM did the dishes today." Or, "Yep, SM vacuumed." I seem to be a VERY common topic of conversation between SD and BM's mom.


Quoting Derdriu:

How old is your SD?

Kids don't have filters until a certain age.  Unless something affects them directly in a negative way (i.e., source of embarrassment), they'll talk about it.  And until then, the more you tell them not to discuss it, the more likely they are to discuss it. 

My SD13 is pretty discreet.  She doesn't like random people knowing her business, and consequently she doesn't make a habit of sharing other people's business.  SS8, on the other hand.... SMH.  That child repeats everything he hears.  If he repeats something age-inappropriate, it takes a whole lot more than "Don't say that again" to put a lid on it.  It's even better if what he knows or thinks he knows is taboo.  The problem with SS is that his key triump is knowing everything there is to know about everything and making sure everyone else knows how smart he is.  He argues non-stop, including with teachers trying to explain material to him.  If he thinks he has some interesting information, he WILL share it.  Under threat of punishment, he will share it.  If he is being loudly and deliberately talked over while a Vulcan neck pinch is being applied to shut him up, he will be even more determined to share it.  He will cry in frustration over not being allowed to share what he knows with no concept of why his little mouth needs to stay zipped.  DH and I make a point to withhold information from him.  We don't speak of private things in his presence.  Things he overhears or observed are given alternate explanations.  I'm far less concerned about what he may repeat to BM than his teachers, his friends, parents of friends, some random stranger he meets, etc. 

The gist is, whatever you allow your SD to know, make sure it's something you don't mind BM and grandma (and the rest of the word) knowing.  If something is private, use extreme discretion.  I really don't think autism is a subject that can be hidden, nor is it something that can be used against you regarding custody.  A dog is exciting.  These things, though personal to you because they involve your DD, are relatively benign.  When it comes to medications, therapy or other treatment, SD should be wholly unaware of the details.  It's not her business, doesn't concern her, and doesn't add personal value to her life to know.



kkkaaayyyy
by Bronze Member on Feb. 19, 2013 at 1:33 PM
1 mom liked this

It is horrible when you cannot have a convo without worrying about who is going to take it elseware in your own home.

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 19, 2013 at 1:40 PM

 

 

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

SD is 12, she'll be 13 in a couple months, but develpmentally about 8-9ish. She's gotten used to BM's mom asking a lot of questions about us, so it's kind of second nature to just give out all the information. If I were to tell SD, "Somethings are private and we don't talk about them with others." She's just going to repeat that to grandma, "SM says somethings are private and we don't talk about them with others." And grandma's just gonna get all pissy.

In all honesty, there's nothing SD can say to grandma that could be used against us in any way, shape, or form. It's just annoying. SD will talk to grandma on the phone every other month or so. SD is not quiet when she's on the phone, so I can hear her half of the conversation all the time. It's ridiculous because I hear, "No, SM did the dishes today." Or, "Yep, SM vacuumed." I seem to be a VERY common topic of conversation between SD and BM's mom. 

Repeating instructions not to repeat something is precisely the thing my SS will do.  "SM told me not to say f*** because f*** is a bad word.  Do you think f*** is a bad word?  What if I said 'duck you' instead?  Duck isn't a bad word..."  *head-desk*

Maybe you should be flattered that grandma finds you and your daily activities so interesting?  lol  I agree, it's annoying.  When SS is speaking inappropriately on Facetime or Skype, DH has a habit of unplugging the wireless modem.  Instant end to the conversation.  SS hasn't caught onto that trick yet.  BM knows and finds it somewhat funny since she has similar issues with SS and oversharing.  Maybe when SD is on a roll with grandma, the phone can mysteriously go out?  Easy to do if you have cordless phones routed to only one base.

pepper504
by Platinum Member on Feb. 19, 2013 at 1:40 PM
1 mom liked this

I would just be more private with conversations with others when SD is around.  My SIL tells BM everything that I say.  That being said, I watch what I say around my inlaws. 

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Feb. 19, 2013 at 1:45 PM

SD uses a cell phone, we don't have a landline, otherwise that would be a great idea, LOL


Quoting Derdriu:



Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

SD is 12, she'll be 13 in a couple months, but develpmentally about 8-9ish. She's gotten used to BM's mom asking a lot of questions about us, so it's kind of second nature to just give out all the information. If I were to tell SD, "Somethings are private and we don't talk about them with others." She's just going to repeat that to grandma, "SM says somethings are private and we don't talk about them with others." And grandma's just gonna get all pissy.

In all honesty, there's nothing SD can say to grandma that could be used against us in any way, shape, or form. It's just annoying. SD will talk to grandma on the phone every other month or so. SD is not quiet when she's on the phone, so I can hear her half of the conversation all the time. It's ridiculous because I hear, "No, SM did the dishes today." Or, "Yep, SM vacuumed." I seem to be a VERY common topic of conversation between SD and BM's mom. 

Repeating instructions not to repeat something is precisely the thing my SS will do.  "SM told me not to say f*** because f*** is a bad word.  Do you think f*** is a bad word?  What if I said 'duck you' instead?  Duck isn't a bad word..."  *head-desk*

Maybe you should be flattered that grandma finds you and your daily activities so interesting?  lol  I agree, it's annoying.  When SS is speaking inappropriately on Facetime or Skype, DH has a habit of unplugging the wireless modem.  Instant end to the conversation.  SS hasn't caught onto that trick yet.  BM knows and finds it somewhat funny since she has similar issues with SS and oversharing.  Maybe when SD is on a roll with grandma, the phone can mysteriously go out?  Easy to do if you have cordless phones routed to only one base.



Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Feb. 19, 2013 at 1:58 PM

I'm a private person, especially when it comes to BM and BM's mom because of all the issues over the years. BM tried to force herself into the delivery room when DS was born, it was only about 20 minutes after his birth. BM has tried to get information from our pediatrician's office about DS, but they denied her access once they realized that she wasn't on his information. She played it off like it was a big mistake, that the office mis-understood the name.

The problem is that when BM had custody she allowed grandma to do everything. Grandma took SD too and from school, did all of the doctors and specialists,etc. Grandma tried to get BM to sign over custody to her, and at one point BM asked DH if that's something he would ever consider, he said absolutely NOT. When BM agreed to sign over custody to DH, BM's mom fought it. She kicked BM out the second the custody papers were filed with the courts.

I really think that BM's mom is trying to get information to see if she has a case for custody. I wouldn't be surprised if at some point she did try. But, the fact that she WAS the primary caretaker when BM had custody and she and BM managed to screw everything up isn't going to look so good for her. When SD lived with them she had 1 specialist, an eye doctor, that she saw once a year. SD now has a physical therapist she sees weekly, an occupational therapist she sees twice a month, an eye doctor she sees every 3 months (this one is a specialist), an eye doctor she sees every 6 months (to monitor her contacts prescription), and an orthopedic surgeon and team of physical therapists she sees every 3-4 months (to monitor issues that BM and BM's mom ignored that could very well turn into major surgery to correct every muscle from SD's knees down).

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 19, 2013 at 2:33 PM

Well, if makes you feel any better, the grandma stands almost zero chance of obtaining custody.  BM signed it over to your DH, and you and your DH have (presumably) provided a stable home.  The burden would be on the grandma to prove that ya'll are unfit to be the custodial home.  Even if BM sided with her, the fact that BM voluntarily signed the papers giving BD custody would be strongly called into question.  "I changed my mind" doesn't fly.

I'm not sure in your case I'd hold any grudge toward BM and her shenanigans.  Her lack of boundaries is likely inheritied, and it frankly doesn't sound like she's much more than a puppet.  She either dances when grandma pulls the strings or is punished when she doesn't (re: kicked out for giving custody to BD).  Co-dependent relationship.  That has to suck.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Feb. 19, 2013 at 2:52 PM

BM has a lot of issues and a very stormy relationship with her mom. Unfortunately a lot of that drama has rubbed off on SD and continues to rub off on her during her visits. So, SD does what she can to keep BM and BM's mom happy, which is part of why she's so very open with answering all of grandma's questions. Doing what grandma wants equals keeping grandma happy equals less drama for SD.

BM and grandma are often threatening each other that the other will never see SD again, in front of and to SD.


Quoting Derdriu:

Well, if makes you feel any better, the grandma stands almost zero chance of obtaining custody.  BM signed it over to your DH, and you and your DH have (presumably) provided a stable home.  The burden would be on the grandma to prove that ya'll are unfit to be the custodial home.  Even if BM sided with her, the fact that BM voluntarily signed the papers giving BD custody would be strongly called into question.  "I changed my mind" doesn't fly.

I'm not sure in your case I'd hold any grudge toward BM and her shenanigans.  Her lack of boundaries is likely inheritied, and it frankly doesn't sound like she's much more than a puppet.  She either dances when grandma pulls the strings or is punished when she doesn't (re: kicked out for giving custody to BD).  Co-dependent relationship.  That has to suck.



MamaMoopsie
by on Feb. 19, 2013 at 4:37 PM

I know how you feel! My SD stays with her mom for two months every summer. BM lives with her own mom. Well, over the summer grandma called me to ask when my DDs birthdays were and how to correctly spell their names. I asked why and she said she was putting together a calendar for SD and figured SD would like to know when her sisters birthdays were. So I went ahead and told her. Well, at the end of the summer SD came home and had this calendar with her but later told me that she'd heard BM and grandma talking about how it is negligent of DH and I to have so many young children (I've had three back to back and am pregnant with our last child now) and how it is detrimental to SD and that they need the birth YEARS of my DD's to show how we don't have SD's best interests at heart. SD told me all this and asked what it meant. So I told her that they felt DH and I probably don't have enough time for her since we have a lot of small children. I asked her if she felt neglected and she said no and that she's very happy to have her sisters and a brother on the way.

Now I suspect they're thinking about trying for custody. So I've been extremely closed lipped about anything if I have to talk to BM, which is really rare. I've warned DH and he too is being close lipped. We don't tell SD to not share things because we don't feel that we have anything to hide and like you said, it's not right to ask her to keep secrets.

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