Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Advice for my SS

Posted by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 2:55 PM
  • 14 Replies

I have been with DH for 10 years and for 9 of those years SS has lived with us full time. Despite many attempts to keep BM in her child's life she pretty much wasn' really involved. We have gone anywhere from 3 weeks to 1.5 years without contact from her. We did maintain contact with BM's parents and my SS would often visit with his grandparents and they would come to the school to see plays he was in. BM never even called for holidays or birthdays. On February 3 my SS turned 18 and had decided to cut any contact with his mother. He is done with her not being in his life and when she is it is all drama. DH and I continue to encourage him to try to have some sort of relationship with her, we think it is important. SS maintains at 18 he should be able to decide who is apart of his life and who isn't. He told his dad last night that if he is an adult he should be able to make decisions for himself  and if it is a mistake then it should be his mistake to make. My question for you is should we try to keep after him to have a relationship with his mother or should we let it go and let him make this decision? I really don't want him to have any regrets but at what point does he get to make his own choices? What would you do? 

by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 2:55 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 3:00 PM
2 moms liked this

Well, he's right.  If it's a mistake he later regrets, it's his mistake to own.  You can share your concerns with him, but on this subject, it's probably best to let him know you respect his decision even if you personally disagree with it.

MiddleAgeMess
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 3:01 PM
At this point you need to trust in the man you raised to have the ability to make the right decisions for his health & welfare. Just make sure you reiterate to him that you & his father will always be there to support him if/when he needs you emotionally.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
saywhat2102
by Gold Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 3:04 PM
2 moms liked this

Hes grown.  I wouldn't do a thing but support him.

Birdseed
by Gold Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 3:08 PM

Let him work it out in his own time.  I haven't had a relationship with my own father until recently after a 20 year break.  It truly took that long for me to get to a point where no matter what happened, I didn't think I could get hurt.  And during that time, my BF changed a lot too.

I'm really thankful that we are on the road to repairing our relationship. But over the years, I was pressured on more than one occasion by my younger brothers, my uncle, and other family members to pick up with Dad.  I wasn't ready.  I just wasn't.  

It took YEARS of counseling to get to a point where I felt like the kid in me wasn't going to be hurt by something Dad said or did or didn't say or didn't do.  

If I were in your shoes, I'd respect your SS's wishes and leave it be.  Be supportive if he chooses to reconnect with her, but don't make it your problem or your project.

Mom had 10 years to get it right.  SS gets at least that much more to get it right in his own head. 

Leave him be for now.


girlcitycountry
by Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 3:39 PM

Thanks everyone for your advice. I guess it is time for us to step back and let him be an adult. 

newstepmom61811
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 3:39 PM
There have been some recent good studies on this topic...adults who try to force relationships with parents who hurt them actually end up victimized all over again...let it go...
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
gma12.1
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 3:48 PM

 Stop pushing him to have a relationship that was never there to start with if you keep pushing him he is going to get angry with you and dh and what relationship you have will be damaged. He is an adult and he can make decisions for himself. I don't blame him for how he feels and what he wants to do. Not wanting anything to do with her is fine. Sometime in the future he may decide to try again with her but right now it is his decision. DON'T PUSH HIM.  You will push him away from you too.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 5:42 PM

 at this point i would let it be his decision, but tell him that should he change his mind in the future, you support his decision then too.

JacyB
by Bronze Member on Feb. 20, 2013 at 6:27 PM
You absolutely should stop meddling. It's completely inappropriate and how you "feel" about it bing important is irrelevant. You both owe him an apology for your behavior in that regard. It is his decision to make on his own, badgering will do no good. It may push him to decide that in addition to not wanting dramatic people (his mom) in his life, he does not want mosey, demanding, disrespectful people (all behaviors you are exhibiting with your "encouragement") in his life either.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
afwifeandmommy3
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 6:28 PM
I Agree with ss . You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)



Featured