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Just my feelings...long and rambling

Posted by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 10:13 AM
  • 10 Replies

Sorry, this is long.  I really, really appreciate this group and wanted to share my experience to get some perspective, even if its not what I want to hear.  I've been in my skids lives for 6 years, me and DH dated for 3 years and then moved in and got married 3 years ago.  I have a DS and a DD, he has a DS and a DD.  All the kids are now around pre-teen age.  When I met DH he had just got full time custody when BM moved over 1,000 miles away to go live near her parents.  DH contested his kids moving so far away and since he couldn't move due to his job, BM either had to give him custody or stay in the area.  BM did not work but started receiving SSDI.  After BM moved away there was a big custody battle and DH was granted full legal and physical custody, BM was given 1 week of supervised visitation a year.  BM called the skids regularly but never visited them.

BM completely ignored me at first, I tried to say 'hi' a few times, then I gave up.  Then one time about 2 years ago I answered the phone and she proceeded to tell me off because of an incident I had with discliplining SS.  (This incident was minor).  After she did this I started to HATE BM.  I was so angry that I was raising her kids, providing them with a loving home, structure, activities, my whole extended family has included the skids in everything, etc.  I stopped supporting my DH trying to fly his kids to see BM (he had done this a few times a year and I was on board because even though she was only given 1 week of visitation, the skids missed her and wanted to see her).  I stared getting really angry when I heard her voice on the phone (my SS always talked to her on speaker phone turned up full volume). 

In the meantime, BM started suing DH, one suit after another.  She sued for custody a 2nd time, she lost again, got no extra visitation and also had to pay DH's atty fees, she then sued for lifetime alimony support.

This all culiminated for me when my SD had a life event (coming of age party) a few months ago.  This is a very big deal in our community.  BM and her whole family attended this big party that DH and I put a ton of work into and paid for.  BM ignored me during the party, I tried to make nice once and say 'hi' once but she turned away and said 'Don't talk to me'.  I was so upset during the entire event.  I just couldn't handle being around BM and her family.  No one knew I was upset, not even DH. 

After the whole thing was over I was ready to end my marriage, I couldn't take the stress of even being around BM that one day and feeling like I was doing for HER kids and not getting an iota of gratitude.  I also couldn't stand to hear her voice on the phone so now the skids talk to her quietly in their room, they were told that they need to do this.  I wanted to leave my family because I couldn't take this part of being a stepmom. 

A few months have gone by, all is back to normal and I haven't heard BM's voice in my home in months and I'm happy again.  I know this is not ideal for my skids, but this is the only way I'm comfortable.  If you are still reading, I'm really glad to get this out of my head and would love to hear your thoughts.

by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 10:13 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 10:23 AM
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My DH reacts the same way to hearing BM's voice on speaker phone or Facetime.  The neat thing with Skype was that they couldn't move the computer.  SS is the one who likes speaker and has a bad habit of carrying the phone or ipad (facetime) around the house, which DH finds extremely intrusive.  So, don't think that's just an SM thing. 

In terms of stress, there's no reason to keep a source of drama in your life.  BM is someone your SKs and your DH have to deal with.  You don't.  There's no reason her voice should be echoing through your home.  They kids can speak to her in their room.  There's no reason for you to speak with her at all.  And as far as what you do for her, that would be zilch.  Whatever you do for your SKs, you are doing for them and your husband.  She isn't part of that equation.  Any time you start to feel resentment toward what she doesn't appreciate, remind yourself that your DH does and what you're doing is for him anyway.  Crappy that she couldn't even muster up a thanks for the party ya'll threw, but whatever character flaws she has aren't a reflection on you. 

Panda113
by Bronze Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 10:27 AM
4 moms liked this
You are giving BM way too much power in your head. The only actions we can control our are own and the one thing we always have a choice in is attitude. You are making an active choice to give her this much power. She's not going to be grateful and she's not going to be nice. You do stuff for your skids not to help her out but to support your DH. There's a big difference in that. My advice is to lighten up. Life is short and you are letting a voice who lives 1,000 miles away to dictate how you chose to live your life. Let it go. Be the adult. Take the high road. You will be happier if you stop giving her so much headspace.
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KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:15 AM
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I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you are not raising her kids because of anything she did, but because your DH chose to raise his own kids and you chose to be with him.  You aren't raising her kids as a favor to her, you are doing it for your DH.  Give up hope that she's going to be eternally grateful to you and be happy that your DH appreciates you.  That's all that matters. 

Happily Married | BM to DD13  DD13  DD11 | Mom to DS7 & DS3 | CP | Not a SM

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:25 AM

 

Quoting Derdriu:

My DH reacts the same way to hearing BM's voice on speaker phone or Facetime.  The neat thing with Skype was that they couldn't move the computer.  SS is the one who likes speaker and has a bad habit of carrying the phone or ipad (facetime) around the house, which DH finds extremely intrusive.  So, don't think that's just an SM thing. 

In terms of stress, there's no reason to keep a source of drama in your life.  BM is someone your SKs and your DH have to deal with.  You don't.  There's no reason her voice should be echoing through your home.  They kids can speak to her in their room.  There's no reason for you to speak with her at all.  And as far as what you do for her, that would be zilch.  Whatever you do for your SKs, you are doing for them and your husband.  She isn't part of that equation.  Any time you start to feel resentment toward what she doesn't appreciate, remind yourself that your DH does and what you're doing is for him anyway.  Crappy that she couldn't even muster up a thanks for the party ya'll threw, but whatever character flaws she has aren't a reflection on you. 

 Nice to hear that I'm not the only one who is bothered by speakerphones.  I agree, I do what I do for skids for them and for DH.

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:27 AM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting Panda113:

You are giving BM way too much power in your head. The only actions we can control our are own and the one thing we always have a choice in is attitude. You are making an active choice to give her this much power. She's not going to be grateful and she's not going to be nice. You do stuff for your skids not to help her out but to support your DH. There's a big difference in that. My advice is to lighten up. Life is short and you are letting a voice who lives 1,000 miles away to dictate how you chose to live your life. Let it go. Be the adult. Take the high road. You will be happier if you stop giving her so much headspace.

 Very true, easier said then done but I'm working on it.

JustaSM231
by Bronze Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 3:13 PM
2 moms liked this

I also hate hearing BM's voice on the phone. Skids usually talk to her in the other room when she calls.  I just get tired of hearing the "I miss you so much honey" that I feel is somewhat excessive and the counselor said was very emotionally manipulative.  DH and BM have 50/50 so it's not like BM doesn't get to see them for months and she talk to them every day.   

I don't enjoy seeing her in person either because she ignores me, unless she needs a favor from me and them I'm the best thing since sliced bread. 

Only do for your skids what you feel comfortable doing for them because you want to.  Also you might try reading Stepmonster.  It sounds like a terrible book but has validated a lot of my feelings about stepparenting. 

Other than that, my best advice is grab a glass of wine!! 

shanlee42
by Silver Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:11 PM
This!

Quoting KnowItAll:

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you are not raising her kids because of anything she did, but because your DH chose to raise his own kids and you chose to be with him.  You aren't raising her kids as a favor to her, you are doing it for your DH.  Give up hope that she's going to be eternally grateful to you and be happy that your DH appreciates you.  That's all that matters. 

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shanlee42
by Silver Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:12 PM
This!

Quoting KnowItAll:

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you are not raising her kids because of anything she did, but because your DH chose to raise his own kids and you chose to be with him.  You aren't raising her kids as a favor to her, you are doing it for your DH.  Give up hope that she's going to be eternally grateful to you and be happy that your DH appreciates you.  That's all that matters. 

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shanlee42
by Silver Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:13 PM
It is very intrusive when SS speaks to BM over FaceTime here. I really wish SS would close his door and keep his conversations private but I haven't said anything either.
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OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Feb. 22, 2013 at 11:46 AM

Quoting shanlee42:

It is very intrusive when SS speaks to BM over FaceTime here. I really wish SS would close his door and keep his conversations private but I haven't said anything either.

 This is so reassurring to hear!  When facetime or speakerphones are on the person on the phone can also hear what you are saying.  One time BM started yelling "this is MY time" because she could hear me in the background and thought that SS wasn't paying attention to her. 

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