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My soon to be stepson is mean to me.

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My fiance has had his boys for the past 7 years. Their mom has only recently started to be a part of their lives. about a year ago we move in with eachother and have tried to blend his two boys (now 9 & 12) and my 3 kids (now 4yr & 6yr girls & 12 yr boy) The biggest challenge has been with the oldest boys! They are now going to the same school and do NOT like each other! We have sat them down together and explained that we are going to be a family and they must RESPECT each other. They dont have to hang out together at school or at home but they must use kind word to and about eachother. My stepson can be very stubron and has pushed me, thrown things at me, said hateful things to me, and even to the girls. I dont know how to control him when he gets this way. My son has told me he will hurt him if he touches me or the girls agian and I always tell him..NO that is not how we get our point across. Long story short we keep putting off getting married because of the boys. Should I just let my fiance and his boys go? How do I get a 12 yr boy to respect me, the rules, and the new family?

by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 1:35 PM
Replies (31-40):
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 3:11 PM

If you're already in counseling and that person isn't helping you on this most basic issue, try a new counselor.


Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 3:16 PM

You're describing an adolescent boy with no respect for authority.  That became clear when you mentioned similar problems cropping up at daycare.  So yes, it will be an endless battle.  You have an unhappy kid with way too much control over his environment and the adults around him.  Such problems are not created overnight, and they're difficult to fix. 


Quoting HIFIVE806:

 

so this is an endless battle :(

Quoting Birdseed:

 

 

Quoting HIFIVE806:

whatiknownow........how do we have a calm loving home if we dont think of this as a new family? I did not grow up in a blended family, and i dont know anyone personally that that has or in the same boat as me...hints why im here. ;)

 

Only you and your soon to be husband had a voice in this.  You've got 7 other people involved. Your ex, your DF's ex, and 5 kids!  

You are not going to HAVE a calm home.  Not at this rate.

 

 

 


 

HIFIVE806
by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 3:23 PM

Yeah he has big issues with authority! Every teacher is "stupid" he spends a l ot of time in the office. Both of the older boys have been on counseling for 6 months to work on themselves. we have started as a family but it not helping

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 3:26 PM

You're willing to subject your child to a hostile environment and place him in counseling to work on himself all because of this other child?

Think about that.


Quoting HIFIVE806:

Yeah he has big issues with authority! Every teacher is "stupid" he spends a l ot of time in the office. Both of the older boys have been on counseling for 6 months to work on themselves. we have started as a family but it not helping


 

DDDaysh
by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 3:27 PM
1 mom liked this

 Well, he'd have to do so something if he didn't have you right?  Maybe you two should try living in separate houses and let him deal with his kids. 

Sending them to live with Mom is a cop-out.  He's basically choosing a new woman over his kids then, and that is NOT going to do their relationship any good. 

Quoting HIFIVE806:

Yes he use to live in same town as thier mother, and grandmother. We tried darcare over the summer and that was horrible!! he was always in a fight or in the office...he felt he was too big for daycare. My son didnt have to go because he spends most of the summer traveling to see family members.

 

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 3:29 PM

 I have a similar situation--both my DS and my SS are the same age, in the same grade and don't get along.  I keep them as far apart as possible.  This is not an easy situation and the only way I feel OK with it is that they now both seem to keep out of each others way.

In your situation, I would advise you to think mainly about your son, you only get 1 shot at raising him and want him in a healthy environment.

HIFIVE806
by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 3:30 PM

no my son is no saint! he has a mouth on him and deals with heavy anxiety.

1lv2stks3nlz4ev
by Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 3:44 PM
1 mom liked this

 No, technically shes not his mother. But she has a place in his life that is a mother like role and she has for some time apperently, when his biological mother was not involved. He will still feel the abondonment.  

Quoting whatIknownow:

 

 

Quoting 1lv2stks3nlz4ev:

 One more thing... before you leave and walk out of this situation and this boys life, remember that you will be adding to the list of mothers who have rejected him, atleast in his mind. Please seriously consider sticking this out and loving on him as best you can.

 

The OP is not his mother and is not even a "mom-figure." She's his father's girlfriend. He does not see her as a mother.

 

HIFIVE806
by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 3:44 PM

we lived in separate towns for the first year, then same town separate homes for about a year, now in the same house. The two 12yrs have never been huge fans of echother but talorated eachother. Since we are now all under the same roof the claws have come out


Quoting DDDaysh:

 Well, he'd have to do so something if he didn't have you right?  Maybe you two should try living in separate houses and let him deal with his kids. 

Sending them to live with Mom is a cop-out.  He's basically choosing a new woman over his kids then, and that is NOT going to do their relationship any good. 

Quoting HIFIVE806:

Yes he use to live in same town as thier mother, and grandmother. We tried darcare over the summer and that was horrible!! he was always in a fight or in the office...he felt he was too big for daycare. My son didnt have to go because he spends most of the summer traveling to see family members.

 



newstepmom61811
by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 3:45 PM
1 mom liked this

Oh boy. My situation is not as bad but recently has also had it's challenges. BM is coming back trying to reclaim in particular her middle child SS9. He is so confused, angry, and literally emotionally tormented and takes it out on the world. We have him in counseling too. From what I get from our therapist, boys in particular who's BMs have been absent, no way around it, are damaged, it's a matter of the degree, and in the end, still don't get a free pass. They are hard to deal with as the grow because when the male hormones, angst, and anger kick in it gets ugly. We were still told we could not sacrifice the whole of the family for the one that simply will not heal. Sad but true, some kids don't want to feel better, just want to be angry. You can't let all the kids suffer for it. As adults DH and I have plenty thick skins. Little that SS9 does bothers me even in his ugliest moments but the effects it has on his siblings, especially the younger one, is absolutely unacceptable. On my time with SS I still function as a SM, in my box. I don't lay hands, I don't get ugly, I just isolate him. I have told him, I understand he hurts, he is welcome to talk about it, vent, but he is not to hurt others, if he can not be part of this family without doing harm he will not be part of it, he will not abuse his siblings. I send him to his room. At times this has required me walking him there yelling by the arm, I still do it. I will be damned if a 9 year old will destroy his siblings. Each time I keep it simple. I just tell him, whatever he is upset about he is welcome to talk about, his father and I will always listen, but he will not hurt his siblings, his father and I have chosen to make our home happy and peaceful and every time he can not follow that he will find himself isolated, fit in or be alone. That is a lesson of society too. Over the last two months this has truly calmed things down. I will say the first two weeks were very hard, he challenged the approach, but we stuck the course. The last  weeks he has participated much more positively with everyone and he is much happier and calmer, I have seen a return of his humor and smile. He has asked why we pushed him away and we clearly told him we love him but will not accept ever anger being taken out on one another within the family, we work on helping him channel it other ways. He is reading, he has both a drawing and writing journal which have helped. It is a day by day sometimes minute by minute process. I wish you the best. Working with my therapist on this I learned boys like this need a great deal of tough active love. They need firm, concrete boundaries of behavior expectations that all the adults in the house clearly agree on. And be tender, understanding underneath he is hurt and abandoned. Plenty of kids experience that, without hurting other kids around them, there is no free pass, as an adult in the house you are in authority, charged with protecting the other more innocent children, those who say " you're not an authority because dad married you, the kid didn't choose you and doesn't recongnize your authority", bullshit. You're a grown-up, he's a kid, you're in charge. Life is just that way, that's the breaks. I got hired at my job, my boss is my boss, you know why, because my boss says he's my boss and signs my damn paychecks, that's why. He told me he's my damn boss and if I want my paycheck I'll do it his way. That's the way pecking order and authority work. You're in charge, you're the grown-up, you do for the kid, they owe you to do no harm and a basic show of respect. Set that expectation, push for it, and most kids live to expectations set. There is truth to the saying "you teach people how to treat you".

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