Ya know, 3 years ago, I posted a lot on CafeMom on another board about all the random crazy stuff that was driving me batty.
Here's what I learned since then (with professional help and some kick in the pants posts) Maybe it can help some of you newbies:
1) They're not your kids. You have issues? They're with your husband. Not the kids.
2) You have issues with BM? They're with your husband. Not BM. You're the interloper.
3) You have issues about the blended family and how you fit in? Your issue. Get a counselor. Then deal with DH, BM and kids.
4) Overall, it's a lot of hand wringing and angst that no one else gives a crap about. It's YOUR problem. So only you can resolve it. And typically the resolution involves you taking care of you and letting everyone else do what they've been doing all along WITHOUT you.
When I read what I just wrote, it sounds harsh. But I kind of wish someone had just said this to me and repeated over and over and over again way back when! Because it's true.
If you're already a mom and you have your kids trained X way but don't like that your step kids are trained a different way? Guess whose problem that is? Yours. Yours and your husband's.
If you're not a mom and you walk into having step kids, please do be prepared that no one is going to take you seriously because YOU are not a MOM.
The quicker you can turn to COs and your husband, the quicker you can remove a lot of this trouble from your life. Truly.
I know people tried to tell me that, and maybe if they'd been as harsh as I'm being here I would've been all "screw off" but it's TRUE.
Why do we think we can waltz in and make it our own?
Unless BM is dead (and I would not wish that on ANY child) you are going to deal with two parents. Accept. Move on.
Find your hills to die on (I'd recommend no more than 3 issues) and then fall on your sword if you must. But even then? Not a guarantee of change.
Counseling. Patience. Accepting that which you cannot change.
Move ON. Get OVER IT.