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ugh I hate when people say that

Posted by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 10:47 PM
  • 41 Replies
1 mom liked this
I was talking to my co worker shys asked what my daughters do in the summer. I told her one goes to her moms and the other two stay home with me. She was in shock that sd isn't really mine. She asked me why sd isn't with her mom I said well her mom lives pretty far away and just isn't stable. She said o no wonder addie lives with the dad no wonder the courts sided with him. I hate that comment I just feel like its saying that dads only gets kids if the mom is messed up. Yea her mom is messed up but her mom chose to give my husband custody my husband wanted sd here because he loves his kid and wanted her raised in a stable place not just because it was a last resort. Then they all think we should force her mom to pay cs yeah right and then go through a court battle only to get nothing because her mom can't hold a job no thanks
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by on Feb. 21, 2013 at 10:47 PM
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Replies (1-10):
andie646c
by Silver Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 10:55 PM

You have two different issues here.

I am going to touch on CS as everyone else is likely to talk about the mom comment.

Regardless of BM's ability to keep a job, it is the childs RIGHT to be supported by both parents. Even if BM doesn't pay to help support her child now, the child has the choice to sue her mother once she turns 18. That could be a small college fund. If mom does pay, even if you don't NEED it, it can be set aside for a rainy day or for future expenses.

Refusing to collect CS hurts the child. It's not a long court battle, it's a simple form and trip the the AG's office.

Of course they expect your DH to collect child support to help care for his child.

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:01 PM
It isn't normal for a mother to not have custody. People make assumptions. If they like or respect you, the next assumption is generally how wonderful you are to mother someone else's kids. The comment that bothers me is always, "You're the mom." No, I'm not. But unlike dealing with other SMs in settings such as this forum provides, it strikes non-SMs/non-divorced BMs as a major sin and stereotypical evil SM if you reject the notion of being mom to poor motherless children. So take it with a grain of salt.
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shanlee42
by Silver Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:06 PM
I have to agree. Other's reactions are just because your situation isn't common. Maybe you could change how you tell others. "Mom gave custody to DH" or "mom and dad agreed SD would live with him. "
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mamaBerg85
by Silver Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:10 PM
Yeah but my husband doesn't want to ask for child support. I don't know why I've asked himto do it many times. He won't and I've decided that we just silver need it. Your right its a simple form but shed make it a custody battle she knows sd gets ssi and she would make she didn't stop fighting until she got custody. Plus SSI would really only allow us to have about $50 of cs a month. If we were to say get $200 in cs they'd take $150 of ssi from sd. Plus bm would never pay it if we won all the court battles and there would be loads of guilt trips from bm forced on sd. $50 just isn't worth the stress if sd wants to sue for cs someday then I say go get her little one but for now its not worth the battle.


Quoting andie646c:

You have two different issues here.

I am going to touch on CS.

Regardless of BM's ability to keep a job, it is the childs RIGHT to be supported by both parents. Even if BM doesn't pay to help support her child now, the child has the choice to sue her mother once she turns 18. That could be a small college fund. If mom does pay, even if you don't NEED it, it can be set aside for a rainy day or for future expenses.

Refusing to collect CS hurts the child. It's not a long court battle, it's a simple form and trip the the AG's office.


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mamaBerg85
by Silver Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:13 PM
Then they ask why a mom would make that choice and why she wouldn't want to live in the area with the good schools honestly I don't know the answer to that. All I know is that sd is in the best place for her with a family that wants hercand loves her.


Quoting shanlee42:

I have to agree. Other's reactions are just because your situation isn't common. Maybe you could change how you tell others. "Mom gave custody to DH" or "mom and dad agreed SD would live with him. "

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shanlee42
by Silver Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:15 PM
That sounds like a good response to me. I was just thinking it might help to switch it up.

Quoting mamaBerg85:

Then they ask why a mom would make that choice and why she wouldn't want to live in the area with the good schools honestly I don't know the answer to that. All I know is that sd is in the best place for her with a family that wants hercand loves her.




Quoting shanlee42:

I have to agree. Other's reactions are just because your situation isn't common. Maybe you could change how you tell others. "Mom gave custody to DH" or "mom and dad agreed SD would live with him. "

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Rae706
by Silver Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:30 PM
Normally if mom doesn't have custody, something is wrong. It's not a nasty statement toward dads, it's just the norm. Not saying its right, just true.
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mamaBerg85
by Silver Member on Feb. 21, 2013 at 11:31 PM
I like when people think I'm her mom or tell me how lucky she is to have me its nof because I need the convince boost but it feels goood when others think ur a good parent. It helps me get through sds autistic meltdowns. The only thing that bugs me about our situation is that bms pissed off or embarrassed because I called her out on telling hr brother that my other daughter has special needs too which in turn made her brother who has never met my daughter call her a retard I told her not to talk to her family about my kids and she didn't comment now when sd calls from my phone to talk to bm she won't answer unless she calls from dh phone but sd is with me sometimes. Whatever I guess that's her problem but its stupid if u ask me I'd appologies child my mistakes ass move on


Quoting Derdriu:

It isn't normal for a mother to not have custody. People make assumptions. If they like or respect you, the next assumption is generally how wonderful you are to mother someone else's kids. The comment that bothers me is always, "You're the mom." No, I'm not. But unlike dealing with other SMs in settings such as this forum provides, it strikes non-SMs/non-divorced BMs as a major sin and stereotypical evil SM if you reject the notion of being mom to poor motherless children. So take it with a grain of salt.

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Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Feb. 22, 2013 at 12:00 AM

Ehh, DH filed and went to BM's state for the first hearing all to get $25/mo for 3 kids.  We have seriously spent way more on that quest than was ordered.  Then when he got his final CS order it was raised to a whopping $6.93 per week.  Some days I'm not sure that it was worth it.

Quoting andie646c:

You have two different issues here.

I am going to touch on CS as everyone else is likely to talk about the mom comment.

Regardless of BM's ability to keep a job, it is the childs RIGHT to be supported by both parents. Even if BM doesn't pay to help support her child now, the child has the choice to sue her mother once she turns 18. That could be a small college fund. If mom does pay, even if you don't NEED it, it can be set aside for a rainy day or for future expenses.

Refusing to collect CS hurts the child. It's not a long court battle, it's a simple form and trip the the AG's office.

Of course they expect your DH to collect child support to help care for his child.


Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Feb. 22, 2013 at 12:26 AM

It's the "oh they're so lucky to have you" line that I'm sick of.  Lucky just doesn't seem like the right word. Or maybe it's because no matter how lucky they are to have me, they are unlucky to have a mom that isn't involved or that neglected them or that steals their credit.  I really don't make up for that shit. No matter how much I love them, they still feel the hurt when their mom doesn't follow through with whatever she promised them.  and honestly I don't do anything special.

Quoting mamaBerg85:

I like when people think I'm her mom or tell me how lucky she is to have me its nof because I need the convince boost but it feels goood when others think ur a good parent. It helps me get through sds autistic meltdowns. The only thing that bugs me about our situation is that bms pissed off or embarrassed because I called her out on telling hr brother that my other daughter has special needs too which in turn made her brother who has never met my daughter call her a retard I told her not to talk to her family about my kids and she didn't comment now when sd calls from my phone to talk to bm she won't answer unless she calls from dh phone but sd is with me sometimes. Whatever I guess that's her problem but its stupid if u ask me I'd appologies child my mistakes ass move on


Quoting Derdriu:

It isn't normal for a mother to not have custody. People make assumptions. If they like or respect you, the next assumption is generally how wonderful you are to mother someone else's kids. The comment that bothers me is always, "You're the mom." No, I'm not. But unlike dealing with other SMs in settings such as this forum provides, it strikes non-SMs/non-divorced BMs as a major sin and stereotypical evil SM if you reject the notion of being mom to poor motherless children. So take it with a grain of salt.


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