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Too Tired to Even Care

Posted by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 5:31 PM
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I have been a step mom for about 10 years now and to be perfectly honest, I am done stick a fork in me and you might even say I am well done. This has been the hardest and most heart wrenching task I have ever gotten myself into. My dh has 3 children and I have 2, thus the blended family. 4 are away in college and we have just one more left in HS. Needless to say, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. My biggest problem is that now with the last one left at home, I have just given up the fight to be the step mom that was actively participating and encouraging all members in the household to care about anything for that matter. Not to mention that this kid  is the youngest and of course the baby and neither my dh and his bm really gave him any sense of responsibility, In as much as I tried, I have failed. He is now 16 years old and although I had a ten year stretch to try to influence this kid, It just did not happen and I am done. I guess I need some words of encouragement or just some honest response on how to deal with my antipathy.


by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 5:31 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Feb. 26, 2013 at 5:34 PM

You know, even my bio parents didn't do much for my youngest brother.  They were tired amongst other things.

What's the issue? What does DH think of it?

((hugs))  Sounds like you've totally done your best.

curlytops
by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 5:56 PM
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The real issue is that since my ss is the only left, I try to get him to be more of an active participant in the home with chores and responsibilities and well as it was in the past with my other step children, it went in one ear and out the other. The only way they would all collectively do stuff around the house was as a result of my children doing the chores and therefore they would encourage the others to help. It is my understanding that the BM and as I have seen over the years that even my DH  would rather do the chores themselves because it is easier then to delegate and have to teach someone how to do a job. Just last night I had to remind my DH leave the empty glass that my stepson left in our backroom and ask him to take it to the dish washer. I used to find curdled milk in glasses that they would leave in the most inconspicuous places.  DH says that ss is being a typical teenager and thinks everything is peachy. I am just saddened that I do not see any of my influences in them. It was always my goal to help them become caring and helpful people but I don't see it. Not even with the other ones who are away at college. Service is not part of their vocabulary.

tazlover01
by Member on Feb. 26, 2013 at 6:33 PM

 Those are traits that can lay dormant for years. When kids learn those things as they get older they do what they can get away with. I think that in their late 20's you'll see real adults when they have to use what they have learned because others won't coddle them.

 

Quoting curlytops:

The real issue is that since my ss is the only left, I try to get him to be more of an active participant in the home with chores and responsibilities and well as it was in the past with my other step children, it went in one ear and out the other. The only way they would all collectively do stuff around the house was as a result of my children doing the chores and therefore they would encourage the others to help. It is my understanding that the BM and as I have seen over the years that even my DH  would rather do the chores themselves because it is easier then to delegate and have to teach someone how to do a job. Just last night I had to remind my DH leave the empty glass that my stepson left in our backroom and ask him to take it to the dish washer. I used to find curdled milk in glasses that they would leave in the most inconspicuous places.  DH says that ss is being a typical teenager and thinks everything is peachy. I am just saddened that I do not see any of my influences in them. It was always my goal to help them become caring and helpful people but I don't see it. Not even with the other ones who are away at college. Service is not part of their vocabulary.

 

 

bottomline
by Silver Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 9:03 AM
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Hugs to you!  I am in the same boat. The SK's are grown now and having kids of their own. So I get to endure a 2nd generation of disrespect and lies.  I love my DH very much, must or I am sure I would have been gone long ago.  But I am past done with his kids, the hurt, the name calling, the disrespect.  I am talking to a professional to be able to live my life not being a part of theirs, and still keeping my marriage.  I have major fear at this point.  Have you tried talking to your minister, or a therapist to help put things in perspective? I know how hard it is when you have tried so hard to make a difference.  Good luck finding piece of mind soon.

curlytops
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 10:25 AM

My dh assures me that I am influencing them and that like you said when they get older we will reap the benefits of our trying to raise these kids with the trials of a blended family. I do pray that he is right. 

curlytops
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 10:31 AM

I am trying not to be a pessimist, but your response is what I do fear what my own future will be. The serenity prayer is what keeps me going most of the time. I loose it every now and then, I am only human and I try to be patient but I still have quite a way to go in my pursuit for holiness. Thank you for sharing with me because I too could have, should have, would have left a long time ago. Somehow I really felt that God brought me and my DH together for a reason and that is why I stuck around. In the end it will be just me and him and I hope that the kids will be ok. 

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 10:34 AM

That's parental fail.  Stepping back, allowing kids to do for themselves, and accepting imperfect efforts is part of teaching self-sufficiency and independence.  However, kids do learn a surprising amount by observation.  Keep your fingers crossed and be patient.  You may find that once he gets to college, the lessons you thought he hadn't learned suddenly start to display themselves. 

Quoting curlytops:

It is my understanding that the BM and as I have seen over the years that even my DH  would rather do the chores themselves because it is easier then to delegate and have to teach someone how to do a job.


 

thatislife
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 10:35 AM

Your apathy is fine.  Just continue as is.  Don't be mean to the kid but don't worry about it anymore. Not your child, not your problem.

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 11:24 AM

 I would absolutely not tolerate dirty dishes and glasses being left around the house.  I would point blank tell your SS that until he can bring his dirty dishes to the sink he would not take one out of the kitchen.  That is disgusting and I couldn't live like that.  As for getting the kid to do chores, thats another battle and I'm not sure I would fight it if it were me.  I give my skids chores but let DH follow up on them if he wishes--the kids don't get allowance if they don't do their chores but mine are younger than 16 (13 - 9 yrs old).

So, I recommend putting your foot down with a few things that you can't live with and letting DH handle the rest.  Just make it comfortable for you in your home.

Bertieb
by Bronze Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 12:01 PM

I would pick this battle with DH, not SS. DH is responsible for son's behavior. Tell DH it is hard enough having a good positive relationship being a stepmother, and would he ask SS to chip in instead of you having to sound bossy and negative. If that won't work then if there are dishes laying around, ask DH to collect the dishes, it is time to run the dishwasher. If DH wants to pick up after him instead of asking him to do it then that is his choice.  I don't make SS bed, empty his trash, or tell him to bring dishes to the kitchen. He's pretty good about it anyway though. If he leaves dishes in the kitchen with stuff dried on them then I let them sit there until DH cleans them and put's them in the dishwasher.

And, I don't think there is anything wrong with being done trying to change or raise them. I doubt there is much change you can make at this point with any of them. Hopefully you won't have to deal with anybody ever moving back in! My kids hate where we live so I don't have to worry about about them coming back but I worry about DH's sometimes.

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