Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Are you a stepmom to kids who's mom died?

Posted by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 3:54 AM
  • 8 Replies

 My step kids lost their mom in a freak accident.  I met their dad 6 months later and we married rather quickly.  Sometimes it feels like she is someone I have to live up to.  She and I worked together but weren't friends.  Fourteen years later, I still feel like I'm dragging her along with us.  I "inherited" all her housewares, furniture, etc. All the kids are out of the house and I am constantly trying to get them to take her belongings.  It's hard because some of the items have sentimental value to my husband...I just wish I could say "she doesn't live here!"

by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 3:54 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-8):
Tyger88
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 4:30 AM

Hi.. yes I also went thru almost the same as you but One difference, I told the adult kids that if they didn't take their mom's things by a certain date b/c my things ere coming soon & the isn't enough room for both, than I will have to donate to Goodwill & humanitate for humanity. I still have what husband wanted, which wasn't much.one SS is still w/us (26) & the things he wanted but we put it in garage for 6 months Only.We just bought a new house & All furniture due to Step kids always saying that's my mom's or Is that my moms? They now know Everything is mine now. I knew my husbands wife as my freind for many years tho. So I Know how hard it is at times for you..I also live w/a ghost woman, hard to live up to an angel at times here.

Tyger88cat

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 11:37 AM

 My mom died and my dad remarried.  I feel a little bad from my stepmom because my dad won't let her get rid of a lot of things and we (the kids) already took what we wanted.  Now my dad has all of my mom's old things in boxes that take up space in my dad and stepmom's home.  We were all grown and out of the house when my dad remarried.  My stepmom is a good sport about all the "stuff" and its slowly dwindleing through the years.  I try to take some more stuff every now and then just to get rid of it for my stepmom.  But my stepmom doesn't complain. 

GrandmaGRN
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 1:28 PM
We are about to build/buy the first home w/o the kids. So, I really want it to be just our stuff. The girls seem to get it and are willing to take stuff now or say get rid of it. I just feel like a heel each time I ask.
Tyger88
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 3:10 PM

 

II don't feel like I complained but I did explain to them how hard it was for me & their dad. But by giving them a date to do it by helped me Alot by not always complaining or ask them again about it. When I asked if they got everything & done, they said Yes & do whatever I wanted with it. I do have to say tho, My Skids took everything but half the tools & dining room table. The rest I bought out of my pocket b4 we got married. Of course they can't claim it as theirs now. We are working on our wills now. That is the hard part, still haven't decided how to do that fairly.That's post maybe to come soon..lol  You have to do what is best for your family & doing what I did Helped my hubby to Move on w/o all the memories to haunt him. Btw My freind (his wife) died in this house & The kids didn't want to visit too much. I always thought that is why? memories Maybe?

Quoting OvrMyHead:

 My mom died and my dad remarried.  I feel a little bad from my stepmom because my dad won't let her get rid of a lot of things and we (the kids) already took what we wanted.  Now my dad has all of my mom's old things in boxes that take up space in my dad and stepmom's home.  We were all grown and out of the house when my dad remarried.  My stepmom is a good sport about all the "stuff" and its slowly dwindleing through the years.  I try to take some more stuff every now and then just to get rid of it for my stepmom.  But my stepmom doesn't complain. 


 

Tyger88cat

saywhat2102
by Gold Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 3:26 PM

No nothing.  She never lived in the house that I live in.  My stepson has a picture of his mom is his room :)

Tyger88
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 8:16 PM

My SS has pics of his mom & dad together in his room but it is ok with me b/c I never go in there unless invited.I told him that was a good idea b/c they were his parents & brought him (SS) into this world. :)

TheStepMonster
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 10:01 AM
1 mom liked this

I am the adult child of this situation.  My BM died when I was 23.  My SF remarried less than a year later.  

I don't know your SK's, but will give you my perspective:

1.  They don't expect you to live up to their BM. 

2. They do expect you to allow them to keep her memory alive.

3.  Give them a deadline on taking her belongings.  "I will be buying new living room furniture in 3 months.  If you want the settee that was your mom's you will need to make arrangments for it by June 1st, 2013 or I may dispose of it".  

4.  Did you have children before you married DH?  Do you have children together?  Make sure to keep "equal billing" in the house.  This has been the one thing that has hurt me the most over the years - my 2 graduation portraits - my "cape" senior portrait and my cap and gown senior portrait were both removed and replaced with photos of her children.  They have a huge family tri-fold collage that contains pics of all the kids and grandkids, except my family.  Now, I try to be a little understanding because he IS my STEP father - I was my mom's only child - he has 2 kids from his first marriage, she has 3 from her first - then he inherited me, and they have none together.  But - this man raised me from the time I was 2 years old - to the point that it was arranged with my BF when she was diagnosed with her brain tumor when I was 13 years old, that he would retain custody of me.  So, he is just as much a father to me as my BF was.

5.  It is ok to sit down and talk with your DH about things that are sentimental to him.  Are these simple housewares and such?  It's ok to tell him "the memory is in your heart, not in the "stuff".  And that's what really, all of her belongings are is "stuff".  As hard as it was for me to equate my mother's belongings with the junk in the attic, that's what it boils down to.  I read a study that showed that after the 2nd generation that those heirlooms that we wouldn't dare think about getting rid of, becomes landfill filler.  Meaning - I may really want my mother's bedroom furniture, and then pass it down to my child, but chances are - it won't be important to her, and she will get rid of it.  Unfortunately, that's our disposable society these days. 

6.  It's been 14 years - if you have the storage space - it's ok to pack everything up that you aren't using and put it in the attic.  If something is extra sentimental to your DH - may want to talk to him first.  

7.  Know that even after 14 years - special days are still going to be hard - her birthday, the anniversary of her death, christmas, mother's day, their anniversary.  This year marked the 15th christmas without my mother.  And at 9:00pm, just like every Christmas Eve without her before, I had a complete emotional breakdown.  


For me, Grandma, I never expected SF's wife to take my mom's place, or even live up to her.  The only thing I ever expected was her to respect my mother's memory.  I knew when she moved in to our house, that she was going to want to make it her own.  I couldn't get them to understand how devastating it was to come in and find a "family" wall plaque that had hung on the wall for 10+ years had been removed.  I didn't expect them to ask me permission, but a simple head's up before I came over the next time would have been nice.  Just so it didn't take me by surprise.  Especially considering that I was still dealing with alot of "firsts" when she moved in.  

I still miss my mother.  Every day.  And chances are they do too.  With respect comes respect in these situations. 

 

Quoting GrandmaGRN:

 My step kids lost their mom in a freak accident.  I met their dad 6 months later and we married rather quickly.  Sometimes it feels like she is someone I have to live up to.  She and I worked together but weren't friends.  Fourteen years later, I still feel like I'm dragging her along with us.  I "inherited" all her housewares, furniture, etc. All the kids are out of the house and I am constantly trying to get them to take her belongings.  It's hard because some of the items have sentimental value to my husband...I just wish I could say "she doesn't live here!"


grey ribbon

During the month of May, I wear my gray for Brain Cancer Awareness in memory of my momma (BM).  She fought her battle from May, 1988 - October, 1998.  Love and miss you much.

GrandmaGRN
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:43 PM
Thank you so much for that perspective. I have managed to keep pics from the early years up. Sounds like someone was a little insensitive to your feelings. Hopefully I will be more aware when dealing with my family. Luckily I had no kids and we had none together. That gets so complicated!

Quoting TheStepMonster:

I am the adult child of this situation.  My BM died when I was 23.  My SF remarried less than a year later.  

I don't know your SK's, but will give you my perspective:

1.  They don't expect you to live up to their BM. 

2. They do expect you to allow them to keep her memory alive.

3.  Give them a deadline on taking her belongings.  "I will be buying new living room furniture in 3 months.  If you want the settee that was your mom's you will need to make arrangments for it by June 1st, 2013 or I may dispose of it".  

4.  Did you have children before you married DH?  Do you have children together?  Make sure to keep "equal billing" in the house.  This has been the one thing that has hurt me the most over the years - my 2 graduation portraits - my "cape" senior portrait and my cap and gown senior portrait were both removed and replaced with photos of her children.  They have a huge family tri-fold collage that contains pics of all the kids and grandkids, except my family.  Now, I try to be a little understanding because he IS my STEP father - I was my mom's only child - he has 2 kids from his first marriage, she has 3 from her first - then he inherited me, and they have none together.  But - this man raised me from the time I was 2 years old - to the point that it was arranged with my BF when she was diagnosed with her brain tumor when I was 13 years old, that he would retain custody of me.  So, he is just as much a father to me as my BF was.

5.  It is ok to sit down and talk with your DH about things that are sentimental to him.  Are these simple housewares and such?  It's ok to tell him "the memory is in your heart, not in the "stuff".  And that's what really, all of her belongings are is "stuff".  As hard as it was for me to equate my mother's belongings with the junk in the attic, that's what it boils down to.  I read a study that showed that after the 2nd generation that those heirlooms that we wouldn't dare think about getting rid of, becomes landfill filler.  Meaning - I may really want my mother's bedroom furniture, and then pass it down to my child, but chances are - it won't be important to her, and she will get rid of it.  Unfortunately, that's our disposable society these days. 

6.  It's been 14 years - if you have the storage space - it's ok to pack everything up that you aren't using and put it in the attic.  If something is extra sentimental to your DH - may want to talk to him first.  

7.  Know that even after 14 years - special days are still going to be hard - her birthday, the anniversary of her death, christmas, mother's day, their anniversary.  This year marked the 15th christmas without my mother.  And at 9:00pm, just like every Christmas Eve without her before, I had a complete emotional breakdown.  


For me, Grandma, I never expected SF's wife to take my mom's place, or even live up to her.  The only thing I ever expected was her to respect my mother's memory.  I knew when she moved in to our house, that she was going to want to make it her own.  I couldn't get them to understand how devastating it was to come in and find a "family" wall plaque that had hung on the wall for 10+ years had been removed.  I didn't expect them to ask me permission, but a simple head's up before I came over the next time would have been nice.  Just so it didn't take me by surprise.  Especially considering that I was still dealing with alot of "firsts" when she moved in.  

I still miss my mother.  Every day.  And chances are they do too.  With respect comes respect in these situations. 

 

Quoting GrandmaGRN:

 My step kids lost their mom in a freak accident.  I met their dad 6 months later and we married rather quickly.  Sometimes it feels like she is someone I have to live up to.  She and I worked together but weren't friends.  Fourteen years later, I still feel like I'm dragging her along with us.  I "inherited" all her housewares, furniture, etc. All the kids are out of the house and I am constantly trying to get them to take her belongings.  It's hard because some of the items have sentimental value to my husband...I just wish I could say "she doesn't live here!"


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)