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After you raise the white flag

Posted by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 9:13 AM
  • 12 Replies
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My SS's have never had any use for me, period. Their BM made sure of that.  I have been in their lives for 15 years now and the hate and name calling are as fresh as day one.  I have raised the white flag because the stress on my marriage is overwhelming. I feel like such a failure, but know I did my best and tried to show them a great life. So what happens now? How are "family" functions handled with the in-laws when the SS's and their families are there? I mean why would I go to these functions knowing they don't consider me "family"? Has anyone else done this and how susccessful was this separation? I love my DH and want to be done discussing his kids/grandkids.  Please understand his kids don't treat him with respect either but he continues to "try" with them. When we had custody of them I tried too, but don't feel I have to any more?  I think 15 years of doing the right thing and trying to make a difference in their lives is enough?

by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 9:13 AM
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Replies (1-10):
WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 9:17 AM
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You can go to the family functions, smile and say hi and leave it at that.  

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 10:07 AM

Why would you allow your SS's to define your role in the family?  Do you get along with your in-laws?

bottomline
by Silver Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 10:24 AM

 I adore my MIL, she is a saint in my book.  She is divorced and never RM'd.  I don't want to add stress to everyone else's day by being there.  I have tried and you can tell they are terribly uncomfortable.  I don't need the added pressure, since I am not the one who created this situation? I think any one my DH would have married would be in this exact same place feeling the exact same way.   

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 11:19 AM
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 Since you are making a change its going to take a while to figure out how you are going to fit in (or fit DH's family in ) during family events.  You may try not going once, you may try going and leaving early, or just going to things where you know you'll be comfortable.  Its an adjustment.  I would take it one thing, one day, at a time.  The kids don't live with you so this is not a day-to-day thing. 

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 11:27 AM
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How does he feel about you not attending?  If he understands the difficulty, then let him go do his thing, and find some alternate ways to entertain yourself (girl's night, you time).

You're entitled to go.  Your marriage to your DH cements you as family, whether the sons respect their father and his home or not.  If it's nothing but a power struggle, hostility, and two adult kids behaving like asshats (while dad is doing what?), then I think I'd schedule my own get-togethers with MIL and DH.


Quoting bottomline:

 I adore my MIL, she is a saint in my book.  She is divorced and never RM'd.  I don't want to add stress to everyone else's day by being there.  I have tried and you can tell they are terribly uncomfortable.  I don't need the added pressure, since I am not the one who created this situation? I think any one my DH would have married would be in this exact same place feeling the exact same way.   


 

ldee78
by on Feb. 27, 2013 at 11:45 AM
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I would suggest that you do what is most comfortable for you. You cannot control other people, only yourself. If you want to go--go. If you are not in the mood that day, do whatever makes you happy.

bottomline
by Silver Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 11:53 AM

 Thanks for the feedback. It is very nice to get objective ideas on this situation.  My husband was raised to be the "forgiver".  I love him very much and know he can't help the way he is, my MIL taught him well.  I need him to understand that turning the other cheek is not always healthy, and can lead to bitterness.  I tried sitting out on one in-law function and my BIL hasn't spoken to me since(6mths), because I didn't call to say I wasn't coming. It was a picnic not an rsvp function for crying out loud. So that intensified my apprehension of totally separting from SK's. 

Seychelles1409
by Gold Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 12:05 PM
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Of course you don't have to go to the family events, but being in your same situation I know your DH wants to attend and he wants you with him and you feel you should be with him as well you should be.  So, that being said you will probably continue going as I have.  Here is what I finally decided to do after a lot of soul searching and a year of therapy.  I admit my "eye opening" has come about because I am currently undergoing tests for cancer so I've learned life is too short to be controlled by my @$#%& of a SS.  I go to the events, enjoy my in-laws, ignore my SS and his wife as if they truly were not there.  They might as well be invisible.  I wear my cutest clothes (preferably new outfits because my stepDIL is fat and I am slim!!--mean I know), play the card games, eat, laugh, talk, joke, and generally prove to SS that he is not going to ruin the event for me or control me!!!  He can look like the immature, brat he is.   The last event he was the one who was quiet and seemed ill-at-ease, while my DH and I were more the center of the evening.  I could have won an Academy Award for Best Actress.  Try it!  It really does work.  It will take work on your part, but victory sure does feel sweet.  You deserve and have a right to your place in the family.  

bottomline
by Silver Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 12:19 PM

Seychelles1409 you make great sense.  I am starting therapy in a few weeks to help make the separation transition.  I just can't go through another generation of hate, I can't do it.  I do feel obligated to support my DH, you are exactly right about that.  I love him and want to show his family I support him.  It may take several therapy sessions before I attend IL family functions again, but will try to take your advice! Who knows, it may be fun.

So sorry you have cancer. Hugs and positive energy coming your way! My life changing event that really made me focus on the negativity my SS's brought to my life was my SDad passing away.  He was a tremendous man whom I loved and respected.  His BD's had nothing to do with him due to their BM and it pained me.  I decided after his passing that life is too short for all the negativity.  I can't change them but I can change the situation. So my separation from my SS's became priority #1, God willing. Good luck with your tests, I pray your tests bring back a positive diagnosis! Great to hear from you :) 

 

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Feb. 27, 2013 at 1:18 PM
1 mom liked this

 if they are adults and still are disresepcful, id disengage completely and if SO chpooses to still try, he can do that on his time.

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