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Need encouragement and advice for my first time meeting BM!

Posted by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 4:40 PM
  • 24 Replies

So I've been with my BF for 2 years now but we have a history that goes back to the 3rd grade!. BM knows of me and has hated me ever since she found out he was moving on and seeing me. She has a BF too now so I'm hoping that will help ease any jealousy tension issues besides they have been split up for 3 years now, anyways.....This Saturday is a baseball game for their son together age 5. I am going because last year I didn't go to any games to avoid any akwardness, tensions, etc. , plus I thought it was best to allow them as parents the opportunity to experience and enjoy their son's first sport together. Fast forward to now. I'm nervous to be around her because she has been known to speak first then think last if you catch my drift. They also have a daughter together age 3 and we have a very special bond. I feel that way with both children but she will call me mommy a lot more often then he will. Anyways, any adivce or words of encouragment to deal with this stiatuion would be greatly appreciated. I've got all sorts of scenarios playing out in my head and really just to hear something to help ease my anxiety.

 

by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 4:40 PM
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Replies (1-10):
packermomof2
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:02 PM
Don't talk to mom, let mom handle the kids (and dad if he wants to). Don't discipline them with mom standing right there, don't act like it is no big deal to let the kid call you mom in front of mom if mom isn't okay with it, and remember that a lot of gf's assume mom is jealous that SM is with the ex but that is often times the furthest thing from reality. You got the man, yea you, but the kids are still the parents and if she feels you are overstepping that could be the problem she has with you.
feliciasmith
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:07 PM
Be polite, I'm always a little nicer to bm then I think I should be but whatever helps ease the tension and make her hate you a little less helps.



Don't play mommy in front of her, her kids are still babies and babies are hard to share.

ETA- don't NOT talk to her that looks stand offish and makes things awkward
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Birdseed
by Gold Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:09 PM

Mom's are people too. ;)

She may be feeling just as sick over this as you. Maybe not.  Just keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut other than to say hello and goodbye.  That's always good practice in a new situation.



PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:12 PM
I think everyone gave great advice already! :) I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said. I'm sure the meeting will go fine. Good luck!!
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Seri22
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:14 PM

I don't know what to do if one of them calls me mommy in front of her. Because sometimes they do and the oldest has already told dad and I that she told them not to call me mommy becuase I'll never be there mom. Siigh, I had to explain to them that when they are with us they can call me mommy if they'd like too and they aren't in trouble or being bad for doing so. I've been an active part of their lives from the very start and @ packermomof2 unfortunatley her deal was jealousy. She made it known but thats a whole other story,

Thanks for the advice ladies.

Seri22
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:20 PM

I agree babies are hard to share.  I just hope she will be civil but given her past that's a hit or miss.

packermomof2
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:21 PM
1 mom liked this



Quoting feliciasmith:



ETA- don't NOT talk to her that looks stand offish and makes things awkward


Let me edit... don't talk to her if she doesn't want you talking to her.  She might not care to talk with you. 

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
Derdriu
by Gold Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:23 PM

If one of them calls you mommy, you correct them.  Her objection to you being called mommy is hardly a jealousy thing.  She's their one and only mom. 

I try to imagine what it would be like to have a child I had to turn over to someone I no longer cared for with zero control for how they parented it or whom they invited into its life.  The fact is, I have trouble turning over care of one of my pets to someone else, so I'd probably really struggle as a BM in the trust department.  From that perspective, being only a CSM without my any BKs, it's easy to imagine why any BM would be hostile toward another woman trying to stake the mommy claim toward her babies.  But I've held the notion for a very long time that SMs who insist on being called mom are setting the kids up for loyalty conflict and setting themselves up for rejection if/when SKs side with BM.

packermomof2
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:25 PM



Quoting Seri22:

I don't know what to do if one of them calls me mommy in front of her. Because sometimes they do and the oldest has already told dad and I that she told them not to call me mommy becuase I'll never be there mom. Siigh, I had to explain to them that when they are with us they can call me mommy if they'd like too and they aren't in trouble or being bad for doing so. I've been an active part of their lives from the very start and @ packermomof2 unfortunatley her deal was jealousy. She made it known but thats a whole other story,

Thanks for the advice ladies.

You were wrong to do that.  Their mom said don't do it and you pretty much said it's okay to ignore what your mom said to do and just do what you want.  They are disobeying their mother and that is wrong.  Mom may very well find that disrespectful and you don't have to agree with her, but her kids need to be listening to her here. 

That is a good way to teach kids how to hide things, be manipulative, and play one house against the other.  Mom says don't do something so the kid learns to shoot back "Seri says I don't have to listen to you"... not a good way to handle kids.  Ever.  Especially when you're not the mom or dad or even the SM.

If the kids tell mom that "Seri says we can" and mom tells you otherwise, you have no one to blame but yourself for trying to undermine mom.



amantonacci
by Gold Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 5:30 PM

Why would you purposely but the children in the middle of a situation by knowingly defying the children's actual mother by letting them call you by an incorrect name? And you wonder why she hates you?


Quoting Seri22:

I don't know what to do if one of them calls me mommy in front of her. Because sometimes they do and the oldest has already told dad and I that she told them not to call me mommy becuase I'll never be there mom. Siigh, I had to explain to them that when they are with us they can call me mommy if they'd like too and they aren't in trouble or being bad for doing so. I've been an active part of their lives from the very start and @ packermomof2 unfortunatley her deal was jealousy. She made it known but thats a whole other story,

Thanks for the advice ladies.



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