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Need encouragement and advice for my first time meeting BM!

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So I've been with my BF for 2 years now but we have a history that goes back to the 3rd grade!. BM knows of me and has hated me ever since she found out he was moving on and seeing me. She has a BF too now so I'm hoping that will help ease any jealousy tension issues besides they have been split up for 3 years now, anyways.....This Saturday is a baseball game for their son together age 5. I am going because last year I didn't go to any games to avoid any akwardness, tensions, etc. , plus I thought it was best to allow them as parents the opportunity to experience and enjoy their son's first sport together. Fast forward to now. I'm nervous to be around her because she has been known to speak first then think last if you catch my drift. They also have a daughter together age 3 and we have a very special bond. I feel that way with both children but she will call me mommy a lot more often then he will. Anyways, any adivce or words of encouragment to deal with this stiatuion would be greatly appreciated. I've got all sorts of scenarios playing out in my head and really just to hear something to help ease my anxiety.

 

by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 4:40 PM
Replies (21-24):
packermomof2
by on Feb. 28, 2013 at 6:19 PM
1 mom liked this



Quoting Seri22:

I see your point but am curoius.. You don't think they should call me mom because obviously I'm not thier biological mom. But isn't this the stepmom forum? I understand we aren't married but  I just don't see how allowing them to call me what they want is harmful if their father and I know we are together long term and we've already been together for 3 years now so...I'm just a bit confused as to when is it ok for them to call me mom if after 3 years,in yours and others opinions, it isn't?


If the kids take it upon themselve to call you butthead, you'd be fine with that?  If they did that and mom told them it was okay, it didn't matter what you said, they got to call you that, you'd be fine with that?

If not, this isn't about the kid calling you whatever they want to call you (and no amount of time together gives you the "right" to be called mom when mom is around, involved, and does not want her children referring to you by her title). 

Mom should be respected here, just like you'd probably take issue if the kids called you a name that you didn't want to be called or felt was disrespectful.  She is the mom of those kids, you're the gf.  When you're married you'll be the SM, which, contrary to what some believe, does not mean you're mom because mom is in the archaic title you receive upon marrying dad.

My kids had a SM for nearly 5 years (actually married dad for a few of those).  She was always first name.  She is no longer their SM.

My husband has been around for nearly 9 years, SF for 7 of those.  He is still first name. 

You can have a good relationship with the kids without getting the mom title.  And if you want a peaceful relationship with mom the best way to start that is not by overriding her with her children and realizing that she is the only mom and she can decide if her children call you that or not. 

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
amantonacci
by Platinum Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 6:35 PM

 

So your BF would be ok with her new BF being called dad? Divorced or not these children still only have 2 parents, in the arguement dad should have asked mom first how she felt about the children calling you mom instead of allowing the children to tell her. Therefore her having to correct them.

Quoting Seri22:

 

Ugh I tried to edit this response and deleted it instead..anyways I just wanted to add:

They are divorced now so I think if she is ok with some guy she is with for 3 years being called dad then thats her business. My BF may not like it but its not his place to try and enforce what he wants her to do with the kids on her time and in her life as its not her place to either. Divorce means living separate lives and trying your best to have similar views, rules, etc. on raising the chidlren in separate homes. Its tough but all in all I go with what my BF is ok with and he says they can call me mom. I really think if she felt that way she should have told him and not the kids. They dont need to be put in the middle and it forces us to have to make decisions like...yes do what she says or no don't.  I value everyone's opinion and perspective though...its always good to hear another side.


 

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 6:38 PM

 when this was my situation i just gave her space. when she looked as if she was willing to talk to us i then said hi. if she stayed far away i left her alone.

i let dad handle the kids TOTALLY when she was around.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Feb. 28, 2013 at 6:41 PM

 i want to add... ss4 has tried to call me mom a few times. i correct him. his mom is active. maybe is she was not around at all but she is so i just rather he call me by my name.

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