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Is it fair to have stepmother watching kids all the time? Need advice please!

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Hi everyone!  SO glad to have you all to tune into.  It makes me feel less alone in thiscrazy world of stepmothering. 

I have two SS, ages 8 and 9 1/2.  My husband has full custody, the BM is a real treat and not really around much and basically does much more harm than good with the boys.  My husband and I have been married going on 2 years.  I do not have children of my own so coming into being a mom was pretty much overnight.  It hasn't been easy.  My SS's, although they like me, want their BM as would be expected for children their age.  I cannot take her place nor do I try.  I see myself as a second mom and show respect towards their real mom (even though she doesn't deserve that respect).  They do have behavior problems due to the pain and feelings of rejection from their mother and we have them in counseling.  The behavior issues really become apparent when I am watching them and their dad isn't around.  My question for you all is this.  Do you feel it's fair to have me be expected to watch the boys frequently or do you feel it's more his responsibility?  I'm always good about putting myself in the other person's shoes and if it were my kids, I personally would feel they were my primary responsibility but I could ask him to help out once in a while.  I know this doesn't compare what so ever, but I came into the marriage with 2 cats which are the closest thing I have to my own children and I don't ever ask him to take care of feeding them, changing litter boxes, vet visits, etc.   The cats love him but I still feel like they are my responsibility.  Some background information, I work although not as many hours as my husband but I definitely make up for it by my domestic responsibilites in which I do 85% of it all. 

Any comments, words of wisdom, advice, etc is much appreciated.  Thank you in advance!






by on Mar. 3, 2013 at 10:04 PM
Replies (21-25):
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 7:18 PM

I like your response.  Maybe I would feel differently if I had children of my own but since I don't, I just feel taken advantage of. 

by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 7:20 PM

Very good point.  Thank you!

by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 7:31 PM

BM was investigated by CPS and found to be an unfit parent.  She simply doesn't know how to be a mother.  She would allow them to eat ice cream for dinner.  When asked why she would say that's what they wanted and it made them happy.  She also has a drinking problem which only makes matters worse.  She neglected them, is very self centered and overall just a mess.  She lives 3 hours away and has visitation every other weekend however, she doesn't come to visit them but about once every 2 months. 

I think my issues boil down to these.

1.  Having not been a parent prior, I didn't fully know what I was getting myself into.  Being a parent is difficult, being a full time stepmother even more difficult.

2.  BF, my husband pushing too much childcare responsibility on me.  It stresses me out, I am resentful as a result.

3.  Not enough time for myself. 

Thanks for your input!


by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 7:34 PM

I think that's part of my problem.  When I said, "I Do" to becoming his wife, I didn't think it included saying "I Do" to becoming the nanny also.  Sucks.

by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 7:40 PM

I agree with you and how you handle the caretaking of your DD.  You seem to have thought it through and are respecting your husband. 

Thanks for your response.  Much appreciated!

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