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Need Advice Please

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 12:08 AM
  • 25 Replies

My soon to be hubby and I have 5 children between the two of us, 3 mine, 2 his. 

SD 9 treats me like garbage! Has since day 1!

He allows it, or doesn't see it!

Right now I am being ignored because tonight I put my foot down. 

When I have said something about her behaviorin the past, he has flown off the handle, accusing me of hating her, and saying all his past gf's have hated this little girl. 

I don't hate her, I hate how she treats me. 

One of the things that I don't agree with is her dinner time game (my word for it)

No matter what is going to be for dinner, even if it is something she has had, and loved a million times before, suddenly, she hates it, cant eat it, won't eat it!

We go through this every weekend (her time with us) Daddy does nothing, in fact, ussually he gives her whatever she wants the second I stepout of the room! Bowl of cereal, sandwhich, dessert, whatevery she wants! Tonght she got to pick out what we were having, and started her refusals to eat dinner beforewe even had lunch, on what she chose! (I thought letting her pick might make dinner a little easier)

Tonight, not only did sherefuse to eat her chicken, but then ate her rice grain by grain with her fingers, and picked apart her green beans and only ate the seeds out of them! Shooting me looks to kill, it tookher over an hour to eat what was about a bites worth of food. She then Dumped her full plate on the counter for me or her dad to take care of (against rules, even the 4 year old knows to scrape her own plate and put it in the sink)

When I saw it sitting there I askedherif she was finished eating. She said yes while rolling her eyes at me. I then told her, right in front of her dad, that she better be sure she had enough of her dinner, because she would not be getting anything else to eat untill breakfast. She huffed and crossed her arms, then dear old daddy hugged her and spent the rest of the night coddling her and ignoring me. 

How do I get him to see her behavior for what it is? 

Whenever she is disrespectful, or doesn't listen, or rolls her eyes, or argues with me, I am made to feel like the monster! I am really sick of it!

The four other children treat both of us with respect, and they listen, and are well behaved to both of us, and they have consequences when they are not those things. I do not understand his thinking with this, and when I try to bring it up, I am just a B***H that hates his daughter, like everyone else!


Help please




by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 12:08 AM
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Replies (1-10):
macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 12:12 AM
You need to realize that her behavior is not the real issue. Its your fiance's. You guys need to get on the same page or call it quits.
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etherealmama
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 12:17 AM

We are on the same page with EVERYTHING else, but it seems as if he has always been blind to her behavior, even before I came along. "Every other woman I have been in a relationship with has hated her" I feel like that should tell him something. It isn't every grown woman with a problem, look at the common factor. He is just so blind, and always seems to condone her behavior. This is the only issue in our family. Out of all 7 of us, and with him and me, we really have no other issue but her behavior. All the other kids see it too, and feel bad for how she treats me.

child_of_fire
by Bronze Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 1:23 AM
I think Macs gives good advice here. I remember when I first started dating DH having the revelation, "Oh, I can just be with someone who likes who I already am." I feel like that can be expanded: you can be with someone who agrees with you on all the major deal breakers, not just most of them.

It sounds like you and he are on similar pages, but unless you manage to pull back and stop caring (and mean it), you're in for heartbreak. Sounds like this problem ended his past relationships too.


Quoting etherealmama:

We are on the same page with EVERYTHING else, but it seems as if he has always been blind to her behavior, even before I came along. "Every other woman I have been in a relationship with has hated her" I feel like that should tell him something. It isn't every grown woman with a problem, look at the common factor. He is just so blind, and always seems to condone her behavior. This is the only issue in our family. Out of all 7 of us, and with him and me, we really have no other issue but her behavior. All the other kids see it too, and feel bad for how she treats me.


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child_of_fire
by Bronze Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 1:27 AM
And the problem isn't her behavior-- it's absolutely her father failing her by being indulgent and teaching her to be entitled. Should she behave anyway? Sure, but what would the benefit of that be to her? This way, her behavior is reinforced with comfort, love, and an "us against the world" mentality. That is ALL on her father.
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Seychelles1409
by Gold Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:17 AM
2 moms liked this

You already know what you need to do about your fiance; you just don't want to face it.  If this were happening to one of your friends, you would tell her what I am going to tell you now.  if a man is calling you a bitch and in fact a liar when you deny that you hate his daughter, you would tell her the relationship is doomed.  Your fiance is not committed to you and is being emotionally abusive by ignoring you and giving you the silent treatment as a way of punishing you when you have "upset" his daughter.  Do you seriously believe his behavior will get better after you are married?  Don't fool yourself.  The 8 year old will become a teenager and she already knows how to play her dad better than you do.  What will she be capable of when she is 16?  You can put a lot of work into trying to save this relationship if you think you want to go down that road, but remember that all your other fiances relationships have ended because of this same issue.  There's a saying, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." (source ??)

Leigh84
by Gold Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 5:26 AM
Macs got good advice she acts this way b/c her dad her you guys really need to sit down and talk about this just the 2 of you b/c unfortunately if he doesn't see it as a prob it will never change
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AMBG825
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 5:53 AM
3 moms liked this

 Half the battle of being a SM isn't training the kids. It's training our DH's. Here's what I did and it worked wonders for my very stubborn DH.

 

If the SK's didn't want what was for dinner. That was fine. They didn't have to eat it. DH was the one who had to make their dinner. And if he made a mess of the kitchen making it, he had to clean it up. If they didn't scrape their plate off and put it away I didn't go to the kids to have it done. I would look at DH and tell him he had a plate to scrape off. If they didn't do their chores, I would look at DH and tell him to do them.

 

Eventually, DH got tired of doing it.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 12:53 PM
Yep. I never have made alternatives. If the kids don't like it, dad can either make them eat it or make them some ramen noodles and clean them up after.

Quoting AMBG825:

 Half the battle of being a SM isn't training the kids. It's training our DH's. Here's what I did and it worked wonders for my very stubborn DH.


 


If the SK's didn't want what was for dinner. That was fine. They didn't have to eat it. DH was the one who had to make their dinner. And if he made a mess of the kitchen making it, he had to clean it up. If they didn't scrape their plate off and put it away I didn't go to the kids to have it done. I would look at DH and tell him he had a plate to scrape off. If they didn't do their chores, I would look at DH and tell him to do them.


 


Eventually, DH got tired of doing it.

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STVUstudent
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 1:13 PM

You call him your soon to be hubby and he is treating you this way AND allowing his daughter to treat you this way?  I would tell hubby, once STBSD has gone back to her mom for the week, that the two of you need to see a counsellor skilled in dealing with blended families BEFORE the wedding.  Get all this out in the open.  She may be "daddy's girl" but he is doing her no favors.  She probably blames YOU for her parent's breakup (right or wrong, kids seldom see and understand the real truth) or their not getting back together.

If he is going to continue to take her side and pander to her, that is note likely to change.  Only YOU can decide if this is how you want to live your life and raise your children.  Don't think for a minute that eventually, that snotty attitude will not rub off on the other kids...

STVUstudent
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 1:17 PM

OBTW, ignoring someone because you are mad at them is pretty childish behavior.  Run!

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