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My soon to be hubby and I have 5 children between the two of us, 3 mine, 2 his. 

SD 9 treats me like garbage! Has since day 1!

He allows it, or doesn't see it!

Right now I am being ignored because tonight I put my foot down. 

When I have said something about her behaviorin the past, he has flown off the handle, accusing me of hating her, and saying all his past gf's have hated this little girl. 

I don't hate her, I hate how she treats me. 

One of the things that I don't agree with is her dinner time game (my word for it)

No matter what is going to be for dinner, even if it is something she has had, and loved a million times before, suddenly, she hates it, cant eat it, won't eat it!

We go through this every weekend (her time with us) Daddy does nothing, in fact, ussually he gives her whatever she wants the second I stepout of the room! Bowl of cereal, sandwhich, dessert, whatevery she wants! Tonght she got to pick out what we were having, and started her refusals to eat dinner beforewe even had lunch, on what she chose! (I thought letting her pick might make dinner a little easier)

Tonight, not only did sherefuse to eat her chicken, but then ate her rice grain by grain with her fingers, and picked apart her green beans and only ate the seeds out of them! Shooting me looks to kill, it tookher over an hour to eat what was about a bites worth of food. She then Dumped her full plate on the counter for me or her dad to take care of (against rules, even the 4 year old knows to scrape her own plate and put it in the sink)

When I saw it sitting there I askedherif she was finished eating. She said yes while rolling her eyes at me. I then told her, right in front of her dad, that she better be sure she had enough of her dinner, because she would not be getting anything else to eat untill breakfast. She huffed and crossed her arms, then dear old daddy hugged her and spent the rest of the night coddling her and ignoring me. 

How do I get him to see her behavior for what it is? 

Whenever she is disrespectful, or doesn't listen, or rolls her eyes, or argues with me, I am made to feel like the monster! I am really sick of it!

The four other children treat both of us with respect, and they listen, and are well behaved to both of us, and they have consequences when they are not those things. I do not understand his thinking with this, and when I try to bring it up, I am just a B***H that hates his daughter, like everyone else!


Help please




by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 12:08 AM
Replies (11-20):
etherealmama
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:20 PM

Now he has locked himself in our bedroom all day since the kids got on the bus! I am about to snap! I havent even had a chance to talk to him, and he is treating me like i don't exist! I am about to flip out!

STVUstudent
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:46 PM

 This is childish, manipulative behavior.  RUN...


Quoting etherealmama:

Now he has locked himself in our bedroom all day since the kids got on the bus! I am about to snap! I havent even had a chance to talk to him, and he is treating me like i don't exist! I am about to flip out!


 

newstepmom61811
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:48 PM
1 mom liked this

I would turn the game on both of them...the stunts you describe in the kitchen...I would handle as follows...when she doesn't want to eat what you made and suddenly hates it after asking for that very thing...set both her and your fiance up "That's no problem dear, we all have our preferences about what we want to eat, it was what you asked for, you must have changed your mind, and that's fine, but I don't make more than one meal a night. Your daddy will be happy to make you something else." Walk off, close the kitchen, do your thing with the other kids who deserve your time...set them up to now be each others problem, promise she will ge the very thing she wants, her daddy and now he gets what he wants, the workload, it will get remarkably tiring really fast after a few days of that. They won't be able to get mad at you, you aren't doing a thing but being as pleasant as can be and giving them exactly what they want...no options but to deal with each other and they will get sick of it because your SO won't be able to be perfect for her, she will need you and he will get sick of her constant demands. When she dumps her stuff on the counter, guess what, it's either hers or her dad's to clean, you tell him: "The other children in the house know and follow the rules, you feel she doesn't have to and that is fine, your choice in how to parent her, I simply don't agree so I will not clean up after a child who should be cleaning up after herself like all the others, you will have to either teach her to do it or you will be cleaning it up. I won't be picking up that workload when I don't agree it should be going on to begin with." and stand your ground. Give him all the room to be as lax as he wants as a parent but then he answers 100% when the other kids ask why and he carries 100% of the extra burden. My DH would not make his kids clean up their crap from our living room. I was doing it. I had enough...the kids wouldn't listen to me. I got hostile. I started putting the kids crap in the front seat of his car. When he had to clean the front seat of his car every morning before he could leave he got the picture. He had two options, he cleaned their shit or made them do it, I was not doing it or fighting with kids who weren't made to listen to me. He both made them start doing it and made them start really listening to me, he clued in. I had to get creative though, and he was not happy with me, but I wasn't going to even start the shit of living as the maid to my DH and his kids, oh hell no. They quickly ALL learned to carry their weight in the house.

Sunshine051172
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:56 PM

trust me it isn't going to get any better! I'm dealing with a 15 yo and he makes my life living hell. my fiance even told me he was calling off the marriage due to his son. Well after we talked for hours about everything that is going on he now listens to me. Yes he was doing childish things trying to punish me for getting on to his son. That has now stopped due to I told him that I'm not a child here and I don't need to be treated like one. I told him that I was his partner not his SC. SS has told me that he doesn't like what I was cooking and I told him OK and went on. I told SS that if he didn't like it fix himself something else and eat it. SS has been living on a silver spoon, platter, cup, etc and I don't agree with that.

Ask your fiance to sit down with you and talk to him about what is going on. Explain to him very calmly on how you feel and how you feel when he does the extra cuddling with his daughter.

etherealmama
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 4:36 PM
1 mom liked this

This plan sounds perfect! I will start implementing it immediatly!

Thank you!


Quoting newstepmom61811:

I would turn the game on both of them...the stunts you describe in the kitchen...I would handle as follows...when she doesn't want to eat what you made and suddenly hates it after asking for that very thing...set both her and your fiance up "That's no problem dear, we all have our preferences about what we want to eat, it was what you asked for, you must have changed your mind, and that's fine, but I don't make more than one meal a night. Your daddy will be happy to make you something else." Walk off, close the kitchen, do your thing with the other kids who deserve your time...set them up to now be each others problem, promise she will ge the very thing she wants, her daddy and now he gets what he wants, the workload, it will get remarkably tiring really fast after a few days of that. They won't be able to get mad at you, you aren't doing a thing but being as pleasant as can be and giving them exactly what they want...no options but to deal with each other and they will get sick of it because your SO won't be able to be perfect for her, she will need you and he will get sick of her constant demands. When she dumps her stuff on the counter, guess what, it's either hers or her dad's to clean, you tell him: "The other children in the house know and follow the rules, you feel she doesn't have to and that is fine, your choice in how to parent her, I simply don't agree so I will not clean up after a child who should be cleaning up after herself like all the others, you will have to either teach her to do it or you will be cleaning it up. I won't be picking up that workload when I don't agree it should be going on to begin with." and stand your ground. Give him all the room to be as lax as he wants as a parent but then he answers 100% when the other kids ask why and he carries 100% of the extra burden. My DH would not make his kids clean up their crap from our living room. I was doing it. I had enough...the kids wouldn't listen to me. I got hostile. I started putting the kids crap in the front seat of his car. When he had to clean the front seat of his car every morning before he could leave he got the picture. He had two options, he cleaned their shit or made them do it, I was not doing it or fighting with kids who weren't made to listen to me. He both made them start doing it and made them start really listening to me, he clued in. I had to get creative though, and he was not happy with me, but I wasn't going to even start the shit of living as the maid to my DH and his kids, oh hell no. They quickly ALL learned to carry their weight in the house.



KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 5:09 PM

You're just going to have to let it go and let Dad feed his own kid however he chooses.  If he wants to let his kid eat cereal or chocolate cake for dinner every single night, he is within his rights to do so.  Let go of the idea that it's your job to make this child eat healthily, or in any capacity, really.  If she doesn't want to eat, fine.  Don't make her.  It's pretty simple really.

laughnchica
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 5:17 PM

I agree with this. DF's daughter tries to pull very similar stuff in regards to food as this 9 year old. Luckily, DF is aware of it and handles it. In your case, stop blaming SD for her behavior. Sure, she could change it but she needs someone to push her to change it and it is not up to you!

If DF refuses to handle it, make the dinner you make. If she doesn't eat it, she doesn't eat it. If DF gives her something else...that's on him and he deals with ALL the repurcussions. Making a second meal, her potentially changing his mind and him having to make another, him having to clean up the dishes etc etc. He will get the picture soon enough.

Quoting faerie75:

Yep. I never have made alternatives. If the kids don't like it, dad can either make them eat it or make them some ramen noodles and clean them up after.

Quoting AMBG825:

 Half the battle of being a SM isn't training the kids. It's training our DH's. Here's what I did and it worked wonders for my very stubborn DH.


 


If the SK's didn't want what was for dinner. That was fine. They didn't have to eat it. DH was the one who had to make their dinner. And if he made a mess of the kitchen making it, he had to clean it up. If they didn't scrape their plate off and put it away I didn't go to the kids to have it done. I would look at DH and tell him he had a plate to scrape off. If they didn't do their chores, I would look at DH and tell him to do them.


 


Eventually, DH got tired of doing it.


laughnchica
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 5:17 PM

This!

Quoting newstepmom61811:

I would turn the game on both of them...the stunts you describe in the kitchen...I would handle as follows...when she doesn't want to eat what you made and suddenly hates it after asking for that very thing...set both her and your fiance up "That's no problem dear, we all have our preferences about what we want to eat, it was what you asked for, you must have changed your mind, and that's fine, but I don't make more than one meal a night. Your daddy will be happy to make you something else." Walk off, close the kitchen, do your thing with the other kids who deserve your time...set them up to now be each others problem, promise she will ge the very thing she wants, her daddy and now he gets what he wants, the workload, it will get remarkably tiring really fast after a few days of that. They won't be able to get mad at you, you aren't doing a thing but being as pleasant as can be and giving them exactly what they want...no options but to deal with each other and they will get sick of it because your SO won't be able to be perfect for her, she will need you and he will get sick of her constant demands. When she dumps her stuff on the counter, guess what, it's either hers or her dad's to clean, you tell him: "The other children in the house know and follow the rules, you feel she doesn't have to and that is fine, your choice in how to parent her, I simply don't agree so I will not clean up after a child who should be cleaning up after herself like all the others, you will have to either teach her to do it or you will be cleaning it up. I won't be picking up that workload when I don't agree it should be going on to begin with." and stand your ground. Give him all the room to be as lax as he wants as a parent but then he answers 100% when the other kids ask why and he carries 100% of the extra burden. My DH would not make his kids clean up their crap from our living room. I was doing it. I had enough...the kids wouldn't listen to me. I got hostile. I started putting the kids crap in the front seat of his car. When he had to clean the front seat of his car every morning before he could leave he got the picture. He had two options, he cleaned their shit or made them do it, I was not doing it or fighting with kids who weren't made to listen to me. He both made them start doing it and made them start really listening to me, he clued in. I had to get creative though, and he was not happy with me, but I wasn't going to even start the shit of living as the maid to my DH and his kids, oh hell no. They quickly ALL learned to carry their weight in the house.


packermomof2
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 6:39 PM

Don't engage in food battles.  Not good for anyone and not your kid so not your problem.  Dad feeds her what he wants and you feed your kids what you want and life goes on. 

etherealmama
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 8:03 PM

I understand that, but thats just a portion of the issues with this girl. Also, when she gets to eat WHATEVER she wants, all the other kids don't understand why they can't have cereal, or cake or ramen for dinner, but she does just by bitching!

If all the kids are suposed to follow the same set of rules we set out for all 5, why is she the exception??

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