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My Stepdaughter has finally won! I'm defeated.

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She's been living with us going on 3 years. In a nut shell, she has gotten away with every negative action without consequence. My husband leaves me to deal with every issue that she has presented us with, and believe me, it's probably worse than you know. Just found out that she is cutting herself and after searching her room and finding, yet, another journal about how unhappy she is in our home (with chores and rules). She was taken away from her bio mom because mom was using meth and had an undesirable boyfriend. Biomom calls every few months to stir things up(negative) which we've learned to handle very well. However, I am so scared about the road that is ahead of us now. I feel terrible for just wanting to leave, this will indeed ruin us financially and I am thinking of ending our marriage, honestly. I am getting her the serious help she needs but feel it will be a losing battle for us. As horrible and selfish as this this point, I don't want to do this!! This is affecting my physical and mental health at this point....

by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 5:46 AM
Replies (21-25):
by Member on Mar. 5, 2013 at 2:04 PM

You are overwhelmed and he has placed the hard stuff on you to fix in his daughter.  You need to seek therapy because it doesn't sound like you can unload on him about his daughter and the things she's doing.  Since she's in therapy, it will take time, I would suggest taking pics to show the counselor so they can see how severe it's getting in case she's trying to snowball the counselor that's helping her.  I agree that yoga can work, maybe see if she wants to do it too.  A child is never a losing battle, she is releasing the severe hurt that is inside and the pain feels good to her when she cuts (my ex fiancee was a cutter and that's how he explained it).  Love heals all hurts.  It will get better.  If you are religious, seek assistance with your religious advisor as they may be able to offer additional solutions that we haven't thought of

by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 3:33 PM
People are so quick to end a marriage when things can be solved. I used to cut, this is not a war. Someone needs to not give up on this kid. She actually sounds like a typical teenager these days. If she was your biological child I doubt you'd so so keen to give up. Talk to her dad, he needs to talk to her as well.
by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 8:16 PM

This kid has a number of problems and you've tried.  It has nothing to do with rules and chores.  It has to do with her inability to handle the problems she's facing as a teen as well as the emotional pain she's feeling with an absent mom.  This is not your obligation, fault or responsibility.  You need to take the advice that's been presented:  1) get her into counseling asap  2) you and DH get into counseling asap  3) DH needs to be more hands on with his kid. 

This is overwhelming for anyone, but especially for your SD.  The roots of her behaviors probably go back to before you and DH likely is deeply rooted in whatever happened in the BM's home while BM was using drugs. 

Your whole family needs help and support in order to help your SD.  Good luck

by Bronze Member on Mar. 6, 2013 at 10:36 AM
1 mom liked this

Do they have a treatment program where she can go and stay?  What kind of help or you getting for yourself. Find a treatment center that helps family cope with a member that has addictions. Get counselling for yourself. I would do it for myself and the moment and then add dh. Find an outlet and don't let anything or anyone keep you from it. If you have to lock yourself in the bathroom with a glass of wine and candles take some time to unwind everyday.

You are doing your part it is time for your dh to step up and do his part. She is crying out for help. She needs the love of her dad. She knows that you are taking care of her. Her dad has got to take the time to show the child that he loves her. I am sorry you can support him but ultimately it is the love of her dad that she seeks. Continue to give her rules, her dad may refuse but life will give her consequences. Her dad has got to find a way to step up. If he doesn't not only will he lose you but he will lose his daughter as well. It sounds like he needs help. Find a family crisis center and drag him along. Good luck

by on Mar. 6, 2013 at 1:56 PM
2 moms liked this

She's a teenager living without at least one of her bio parents.  I went thru something similar with my daughter who's dad lived outside the home.  My DH tried to help but to no avail.  Your SD may be angry because her bio mom isnt around.  Has she been to counseling since being taken away from her?  You could be receiving repercussions from bottled up anger, resentment, and abandonment or some other emotional feeling that wasnt addressed at that time.  you have a great advantage to talk to her, love on her more, and get your husband involved.  The two of you being there can help her. Please dont be the second "mom" that leaves her side.  She is struggling.  This is your test from Above.!!    HUGS..

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