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SM's Are to Blame??

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:57 PM
  • 94 Replies

How many times do we read how the SK's are treating SM horrible? Just about every post states this. I would say that the majority of the problems with SK's descends from BD not stepping up and being the Dad. It seems like most Dad's want to leave the discipline to the SM's and this is one of the most unhealthy things you can do if you want to create happy household. Why the heck does this happen? Is it because the BD's are lazy? Is it because BD's only want to be the good guy? Is it because BD's just don't know how to handle these types of issue's? Or is it the SM's fault? In a way I can see where it would be our fault. First woman are nurturers, second we usually take care of the household and third because we as women tend to take control when things start to go south. I have done this and I completely regret it. So this is my question.....when it comes right down to it, are SM's to blame for BD's not stepping up? What are your thoughts?



by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 2:57 PM
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faerie75
by Platinum Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 3:21 PM

 um, no way is it my fault of SO wasnt stepping up.

my skids and i have a pretty good relationship. SO does discipline them though. earlier on, he did have guilty daddy syndrome which helps no one, but it has improved. the skids are pretty good kids so they never treated mne poorly. ss4 can be a bit bratty sometimes but its his age.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 3:25 PM
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I don't know who is to blame. Every situation is so different. I hate to blame victims of domestic violence however I have never been in that situation so I don't even know if I am allowed an opinion. I use this as An example only. Women who stay with men who beat them. They are not asking to be abused yet they don't leave and protect themselves. So is it their fault that they stay with a violent abusive man? I have a hard time answering that. I think it can be compared to a man who doesn't enforce respect of his wife by his children. He just continues to let it happen. But then is it also his wife who doesn't demand respect from the man she married? If a man doesn't force his children to respect his wife, he too does not respect his wife. So is it the woman's fault for staying with a man that doesn't respect her? I couldn't and I wouldn't stay with a man who doesn't respect me. It is up to the fathers to take care of their children. I have no problem with a couple delegating duties. Man works, woman stays home and does domestic work. But when the man fails to appreciate his wife and make sure that his children are being respectful and appreciative of her as well, then is it her fault for not demanding it or is it soley on him for not doing it to begin with? I have no idea.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 3:27 PM
Lol yeah when I hear stepparents complain about bratty toddlers and preschoolers and then disrespectful teens, I think to myself - please don't feel special, it is their age and it is part of the package. Lol


Quoting faerie75:

 um, no way is it my fault of SO wasnt stepping up.


my skids and i have a pretty good relationship. SO does discipline them though. earlier on, he did have guilty daddy syndrome which helps no one, but it has improved. the skids are pretty good kids so they never treated mne poorly. ss4 can be a bit bratty sometimes but its his age.


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Lurion
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 3:32 PM
3 moms liked this

Totally agree with you--and yes, all those reasons! I think a lot of men marry again thinking it will be a big "whew--she'll take care of the kids."

Let me ask, did you and dh (or did dh and biomom) discuss each person's role beforehand? 

I'm just entering in this situation--I'm the biomom and dad has a new gf he's moving in with. I would really love to set some ground rules or read a book or something, all sit down if that were possible. Unfortunately we can't even seem to agree on very basic custody issues right now. 

I actually feel sorry for the new gf. I don't think she has a clue what she's getting into. She's not a mom herself. I'm sure my ex plans to have her try to "parent" them. DS14 is very upset about the situation. Although I've told him he must be courteous to her and that he really should give her a chance, who knows if that will happen. 

It all comes down to the bioparents working together.  Most the time, if we could do that we wouldn't be divorced! 


Lslk
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 3:43 PM
1 mom liked this
Quoting momof2ex1:

I don't know who is to blame. Every situation is so different. I hate to blame victims of domestic violence however I have never been in that situation so I don't even know if I am allowed an opinion. I use this as An example only. Women who stay with men who beat them. They are not asking to be abused yet they don't leave and protect themselves. So is it their fault that they stay with a violent abusive man? I have a hard time answering that. I think it can be compared to a man who doesn't enforce respect of his wife by his children. He just continues to let it happen. But then is it also his wife who doesn't demand respect from the man she married? If a man doesn't force his children to respect his wife, he too does not respect his wife. So is it the woman's fault for staying with a man that doesn't respect her? I couldn't and I wouldn't stay with a man who doesn't respect me. It is up to the fathers to take care of their children. I have no problem with a couple delegating duties. Man works, woman stays home and does domestic work. But when the man fails to appreciate his wife and make sure that his children are being respectful and appreciative of her as well, then is it her fault for not demanding it or is it soley on him for not doing it to begin with? I have no idea.

I completly agree. It's like a horrible circle the some get into. I, myself, have been in that horrible circle. In the past, I thought that it was just easier to take care of the problems with the SK's but all it really did was drive my SO further away from me and his own kids. I don't blame myself for SO detaching himself  but I do blame him because he should have been man enough to stick in there with me, especially for his own kids. However, I sometimes do blame myself for, essentially, starting the down ward spiral because if I would have just let him take care of the issue's then that might have saved myself and his kids the detachment that he created. But then again, it might have been a lot worse if I didn't step in.


AMBG825
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 4:34 PM

 I wouldn't even say half the problem was SO. About 1/4. Yes, he had some issues with wanting to leave me to do all the discipline. I nipped that in the bud. In the beginning I would say 1/4 was my fault for initially allowing it. The other half was BM blackmailing the boys to not like me and encouraging them to treat me awfully.

happinessforyou
by Bronze Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 4:46 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm guessing that for SOME men- if they were really engaged/active with their wives and children in the first place, maybe SOME of them would still be married to their 1st wife. (?)

I think a lot of 1st wives will tell you that part of the reason they split is because dad wasn't parenting much. KWIM?

Lslk
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 4:51 PM

Lol. I have often thought of that myself. I wonder what it is about men that makes them want to disengage so much.

Quoting happinessforyou:

I'm guessing that for SOME men- if they were really engaged/active with their wives and children in the first place, maybe SOME of them would still be married to their 1st wife. (?)

I think a lot of 1st wives will tell you that part of the reason they split is because dad wasn't parenting much. KWIM?


Nynnie
by Member on Mar. 4, 2013 at 4:53 PM
In regards to the domestic violence thing, it is the woman's fault if she doesn't leave. It's not her fault it's happening, but after the first time it is her fault she is still#going through it. Some sk just dislike the sp and it's just them, not anybody's fault

Quoting momof2ex1:

I don't know who is to blame. Every situation is so different. I hate to blame victims of domestic violence however I have never been in that situation so I don't even know if I am allowed an opinion. I use this as An example only. Women who stay with men who beat them. They are not asking to be abused yet they don't leave and protect themselves. So is it their fault that they stay with a violent abusive man? I have a hard time answering that. I think it can be compared to a man who doesn't enforce respect of his wife by his children. He just continues to let it happen. But then is it also his wife who doesn't demand respect from the man she married? If a man doesn't force his children to respect his wife, he too does not respect his wife. So is it the woman's fault for staying with a man that doesn't respect her? I couldn't and I wouldn't stay with a man who doesn't respect me. It is up to the fathers to take care of their children. I have no problem with a couple delegating duties. Man works, woman stays home and does domestic work. But when the man fails to appreciate his wife and make sure that his children are being respectful and appreciative of her as well, then is it her fault for not demanding it or is it soley on him for not doing it to begin with? I have no idea.
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dallas4nu
by on Mar. 4, 2013 at 5:13 PM
I think it depends on the sm lol ...but honestly, 99% of the drama that is posted here would dissipate if bd were to step up and do his job as a parent!

I seriously get tired of having to ask, "and what did dh do/say?"
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