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23 and lost

Posted by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 9:28 PM
  • 16 Replies

Hello all, I am new to this site but id just like to share my story. I am 23 years old and my boyfriend and i have been together almost 2 years now. He has a 5 year old son whom he has full custody over. We were together long distance for over a year before moving in together. Id see him on weekends and we would talk every day. We have a wonderful fulfilling realtionship and his son adores me.... there is just one problem. My boyfriend's DAD lives with us and hes driving me nuts. He has lived with my boyfriend since ive known him. I started out being a temporary situation and hes been living here rent free for about 5 years now. His dad nags me, is disrespectful and any type of authority i give the child he completely goes against what i say. It is making the child resent me and making him have no respect for my authority. I know he isnt my son, but if im paying half the bills, doing homework taking him to and from school, soccer bday parties and whatever else i believe that i get a say in how hes raised. ( not to mention i pay half his child care) i love my boyfriend and his son dearly and literally everything would be just fine without his dad. his dad doesnt work, stays home all day and thinks he knows everything. Oh and he is not disabled nor ill. he doesnt work because hes a lazy POS. Granted he has helped my boyfriend raise his son while he worked 2 jobs to support the 3 of them before i came along. Anyways i just need some advice. My mom told me that until we are married he is not my son and to worry about myself. Any input is greatly appreciated. thanks. --

by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 9:28 PM
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Replies (1-10):
minimoo
by Gold Member on Mar. 5, 2013 at 9:37 PM
Sounds like your bf and you need to have a talk about how you are feeling. It seems grandpa has some boundary issues. If your bf is fine w it, nothing will probably change, and you will need to decide id this is something you can live with. If he's not, he needs to have a heart to heart with his dad. At the very least, he needs to understand that undermining you will create a sense of disrespect for you.
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daddysgf
by and that's all on Mar. 5, 2013 at 9:38 PM
6 moms liked this
Been there, done that - at 20/21.
I'd leave but that's just me seeing the future.
Talk to your boyfriend. Explain your discomfort. Don't attack his dad but bring up the issues you see.. but dad is dad and played your role first.
I'd also recommend not helping him support his child financially too much - you will regret it.
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lnr187
by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 9:40 PM
1 mom liked this

 being that you're paying half the bills, i think you DO have a say. also if you plan on marrying this man, then the kid needs to respect you. i get what your mom is saying, but if you let it go now, then when youre married it'll be too late. however, this is something you have to take up with your bf. if he won't do anything about it, then you can't either. the only thing you're on control of are your actions and your money. you shouldn't be paying half the bills if there's 1 of you and 3 of them...

laughnchica
by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 9:54 PM
1 mom liked this
Talk with your man. Let him know how you are feeling without attacking his father. There is a point where he either needs to support you or not. If not, a-hole alert.....
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KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Mar. 5, 2013 at 11:13 PM
Your problem is with your boyfriend not with his father.
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audra151989
by on Mar. 5, 2013 at 11:30 PM

i understand everyone's point -- my bf's outlook on it is like most men, he feels like he cant kick his dad out but wants to make me happy. However-- the naggish crap i can deal with but when it comes to outright disreguarding what i say and letting grandson do whatever he feels like is where i have a problem. I honestly feel like im dammed if i do and dammed if i dont. The childs mother is in jail and he has no sense of what a family should be. I am by no means trying to be a super hero, but i feel like if i dont do this now and be the change that nothing is ever going to change. And the child doesnt deserve that. Then again i guess i dont deserve for his dad to do what he does, and i dont deserve for my man to try and play middle man. i dont want to make him choose but eventually i guess thats what it will come down to.

@daddys gf would you mind telling me a little about your situation ???

Thanks

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Mar. 5, 2013 at 11:37 PM
1 mom liked this
This is just me, but I wouldn't marry him until his dad has found a new home. I'd feel differently if disability or illness kept him there, but it seems to be a lifestyle choice.

I would listen to your mom. I think it is good advice. Talk to your fiancé about the respect level and what can be done to change it.
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MommySabs
by Gold Member on Mar. 6, 2013 at 12:17 AM
I have a friend in a nonstep but similar situation. She is engaged to a man who allowed his brother to move in with him after his divorce. The brother now won't leave. They talked it out and have given him a timeline. And her fiancé is addressing it with the brother not her. He gave him a general time in August ( told him spring). Reenforced that time line gently a number of times and had a talk with him about setting a definite date the other day. The brother will be moving out in April.
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pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Mar. 6, 2013 at 12:42 AM

Listen to your mama.  And stop paying your boyfriend's bills because basically you are supporting his disrespectful dad too.

FindersKeepers
by on Mar. 6, 2013 at 1:25 AM

You should take a long seriously look at your life and decide if it is what you want FOREVER.  

People only change when they want to... expecting to change things AFTER you get married is a recipe for disaster.   If things do not improve before you are married, they will certainly not change after.   If you do not want to live like you are, then you need to make some tough choices now.  

Best of luck...

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