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What kind of BM were/are you?

Posted by on Mar. 7, 2013 at 1:15 PM
  • 32 Replies

If you're like me, and I'd venture to say that you ARE (you're with a new man who has kids, possibly divorced with kids, your wheels are constantly spinning, you struggle with the whole BM/DH/SK circus and your mind can be in a million places at once.  Right?

I wonder what type of BM I had been to my DS's SM.  He's grown now, but I find myself in her shoes now and often wonder if I were the impossible, irrational, controlling, fickle BM that I'm dealing with now. 

Its so easy to judge and be self-righteous and throw BM under the bus.  BUT ladies, we must remember, our dear men CHOSE this woman at one point in his life for whatever reason.  He had a child(ren) with her and built a life with her (or at least tried). Is she really THAT bad, or is she like us, who is left to pick up the pieces from a failed relationship, thrown into single-motherhood, now here YOU come and she has to adjust again?!?!?!?  In my sitch, I know that BM is an alcoholic, works 3 jobs which is why SD lived DH all-but-1-year of her life, loose with men and "medicated."  No seriously, she told me this with her OWN mouth.  Granted, she was sloppy drunk when she told me, but that's besides the point!  However, she really is a nice, funny, pretty, smart woman.  I'm secure enough to admit that I see why DH was attracted to her at one time.

UNmask with me and admit to a time where you were the dreaded BM, whether it was intentional or not.  I'll start:

My DS was going to a new school in his Dad's district and I knew that his SM was taking him and his sister in for registration.  I called ahead and gave the school ALL of my information, his records etc.  I handled everything except for walking him in the door.  At the time, I was working for an impossible boss and his SM worked nights, so we swapped daily.  When I got off, I'd get the kids off the bus, at home, fed etc. while she rested and got ready for her overnight shift.  When my EX got off, he'd come and get their kids and leave our son with me.  This was our daily routine...until they moved to a better school district than mine.

Well, when she got to the school, they refused to let her enroll my son because she wasn't me (2 different racial backgrounds - they CLEARLY knew my kid was NOT hers, lol).  I mean, they really caused a scene - calling me and EX at work - faxing affadavits for us to sign - calling the cops etc!  They claimed that too many parents were fraudently enrolling their kids in that district for its stellar reputation and whatnot.  I was BEYOND livid and told them as much!  Well, neither kid went to school for the next 2 days until I could prove that his Dad hadn't kidnapped my son and ran off with him.  Lol!

Since his sister didn't want to start a new school without her "big" brother, she wound up missing school too.  I felt SO BAD, but I truly didn't intend for all of that drama to occur!  I called myself helping to make things go smoothly for my son and his SM!  I'm sure I was the dreaded BM bitch that day!  Lol.

Besides that, I can't remember a time when I totally unnerved them in any way.  How about you?

by on Mar. 7, 2013 at 1:15 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Bronze Member on Mar. 7, 2013 at 1:44 PM

Can I have you as a BM? pretty please! :)

by on Mar. 7, 2013 at 1:46 PM

Quoting stepmommy2:

Can I have you as a BM? pretty please! :)

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by Gold Member on Mar. 7, 2013 at 1:51 PM


Quoting stepmommy2:

Can I have you as a BM? pretty please! :)


by on Mar. 7, 2013 at 2:00 PM

I've CC'ed SM in a couple emails directed to bio-dad in a fit of rage. I knew he was lying to her, so my intent was that she would find out the truth and kind of force him to be a better father and help him to be there for my kids. I also knew that he was so intent on hiding the truth from her, that he would be scared I would continue to tell her what a POS he was that he would change out of fear of her leaving him. 

I failed. He's still a POS. Still doesnt see or call his kids. Im done trying to make him.

by Bronze Member on Mar. 7, 2013 at 2:18 PM

I've never really interacted with SM, well except for when she was pretending to be BD and sending emails & text messages saying things like "the next time I come back for a visit I'll be taking the kids to live with me & be raising them with her." (nevermind that he has never lived with our kids . . . ever, and my son was just 2 months old at the time).

Other than that, the only thing I can think that would cause issues & me being the wicked bitch of the west, is when I filed for a default on custody and his CO'd CS amount went up 140% from what he had willingly been paying.

by Ruby Member on Mar. 7, 2013 at 2:20 PM

I always said BM was the best thing that ever happened to BF.  I saw behaviors in myself that I thought were hateful when Bm treated DH the same way.  I didn't like that I might be just like her.  So I changed.  And my life got so much easier with Bf and SM.

by Gold Member on Mar. 7, 2013 at 3:33 PM

My DDs BF has never been involved in her life, so I never had to deal with his exwife or his girlfriends since. I'm sure that I was painted as an evil bitch who kept him away from his baby.

DH who was 18, chose BM because she was into the same crap he was (drinking, parties and drugs)...and she put out. They had SS just over a year after meeting and got married a few months later. DH tried to make things work for SSs sake,  but BM got knocked up by some other guy and left DH.

BM has spent almost 2 of the last 8 years in prison, moving constantly, avoiding child services, doing drugs, working till CS garnishment kicks in, in a domestic situation with her DH, leaving him and bringing other men/women into her kids lives just to go back to her DH a month or so later.

Most of DHs family will say, she wasn't crazy when we met her. The only people who told him to run at that time was his mom and best friend.

by Ruby Member on Mar. 7, 2013 at 3:45 PM

 i will admit i was a controlling bitch at first. i was also 22 years old, immature as hell, and pregnant and scorned. i was adjusting from being a mom of one to a mom of two AND single. i was not a happy camper.

never theless i hate drama. i ignored his gf for about two years. if she was there i didnt even look at her. but when she got pregnant i stopped ignoring her and just was polite and civil.

after our initial court, we just worked between ourselves. i hate going to court.

i always dealt soley w BD regarding our kids, i never dealt w any of his SO's andnever was expected to.

i also tend to put my kids needs as a priority.

BM did pretty much waht i did but she was in her 30's. and i never cheated w her SO. but i let all that go. she took it WAY further in court than i ever did, and tends to put her own interests before that of the skids. she is not unfit though so nothing i can do but just smh. i also make SO deal w her soley regarding their kids. i think it just works better that way. no middle man.

by Ruby Member on Mar. 7, 2013 at 3:55 PM
I was probably not the best ex wife. I had a lot of hurt and my ex couldn't decide if he really wanted the divorce or not. He was seeing SM and I both so it was a battle. It was never about our dd though. This was a battle over the man. I didn't like that he was playing house with us and then playing house with them. Dd being right in the middle of it and confused about who daddy was with. So I was a bitch and I would not allow her to come around, especially when he was in my bed just yesterday. However, I ended the relationship and went to therapy, healed from the hurt and I am a better person in general today because of it. A lot of things were said on both sides and things were ugly. I've forgiven for my boundaries being overstepped but I haven't been forgiven and probably never will. Now I am a good ex wife (in my opinion only) we parallel parent so they never have to see me or hear from me. I don't let the little things bother me and I don't make demands or cause any drama in their lives...
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by on Mar. 7, 2013 at 4:00 PM

I'm not a BM so I probably shouldn't even comment.  But I have to say that for the most part, I'm pretty thankful that the BM in my situation is so willing to allow me to be involved.  We have our issues.  But she (and I ) have found common ground in looking at the kids' best interests and trying to to accommodate them.

I think it's a tremendous leap of faith for her (and I'll take it as a compliment) that she is okay with the kids coming to live with us full time, in a foreign country, where I'm basically the one responsible for their day to day care, school, safety, etc due to DH's job. I think that were I a BM, that would be hard for me to get on board with.

But she realizes that it's a great opportunity for the kids and I realize that it's a tremendous responsibility that I do NOT intend to screw up.

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