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New Step Mom - are these feelings normal?

Posted by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 3:28 PM
  • 28 Replies

Hello All,

I'm new to this site and new to being a step mom! I'm 24, with a brand new 6 yrd old SS. I work 7-4, his dad works 3-11...  So throughout the week I'm a single step mom.  When the weekend comes.. SS is #1 and i'm #2... I knew this when we decided to have him move in with us (he just moved half way across the country to live with us).. but it still doesn't prepare me for the major changes that have come into my life. My boyfriend says thank you and how much he appreciates what I'm doing and how good I've been with his son, but I do not feel like he understands how much I've seriously changed my life. I do not have any kids of my own, nor am I much of a kid person... I do how ever very much like SS. 

I'm just in need of someone telling me i'm normal for having these feelings and thoughts. I feel stressed and uncomfortable in my own home.I hope that as time goes on things get more comfortable and we have more of a routine and can form a better bond.  Nothing has really changed for my boyfriend, he knows exactly what raising a kid is like and has had 6+ years of experience with his son. I'm brand new to this, and frankly, i'm over whelmed. I do not feel like he gives me enough credit as to how hard I'm trying to keep my self together and not break down. He thinks everytime I talk to him about how i'm feeling we're going to break up. So once again, things turn back to trying to make him feel better and happy about the situation. But who is here to help me feel better?

Can anyone give me advice as to how to talk to my boyfriend about how I'm feeling without it becomming negative or about him? Or.. is it me? Am I being selfish?

Sincerly,

over worked and under paid new step mom <3

by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 3:28 PM
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Replies (1-10):
amonkeymom
by Amy on Mar. 8, 2013 at 3:50 PM
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Of course your normal.  This is a brand new experience for all of you and it will take some adjusting to.

Leigh84
by Gold Member on Mar. 8, 2013 at 3:57 PM
I was 24 when my 2 step-sons came to live with us. It was a huge change. I welcomed it but I did find it challenging to balance everyone's schedule.
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tiredmama42
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 3:58 PM

Its pretty common and a huge adjustment for someone.    Welcome to the group.   I have my own kids and 5 SD's.. everyday is a adjustment.  

mommadana
by Member on Mar. 8, 2013 at 3:58 PM

It is normal and if it comes down to it, you need to speak to an unbiased third party, whether at your church or a medical professional.  Psychologists or family counselors can be your sounding ground to work through your feelings as well.  Good luck and it takes getting used to.

newstepmom61811
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 4:02 PM
1 mom liked this

What you are feeling is NORMAL!!! And what he is feeling is NORMAL too!!! He feels guilty for possibly overwhelming you and is terrified of losing you or as my DH has told me "ruining my life with his kids" I've tried over and over to explain to him he has not ruined my life, I am actually VERY happy but even GOOD change is change and stressful, just to listen and love me. He is SLOWLY getting it. I am a childless stepmom who inherited 3, custodial. What has really helped me is talking to a counslor, a christian one, who specializes in blended families. My particular dynamic is actually very good in my home. I am loved and well cared for by all. My SKs are very loving and very protective of me. I do and don't feel stressed and like an outsider. I feel welcomed because they love me so much and protect me so much but also DH when he picked me went 180 from BMs personality. She is loud, spastic, drama queen. DH is a huge 6'5" ball of ADD energy. I am 5'4" little quiet thing so I am easily overwhelmed in my own home simply because the kids are like BM and DH, loud, energetic, full of life. I love it, but it is totally different than me. I have come to realize that is OK, I have come to work on tolerating it but at times my nerves are shot. I just have to hide to get the quiet my quieter soul needs. But my coming into the home too has been good for them. They have been exposed to a softer kind of person, quieter lifestyle and see a different way of living. We're all OK with it and learning to live with each other. For me though, talking to DH about all this was stressful for him. He felt like he was bringing my life down. It was better to talk to a neurtral third party. Surprisingly what I found was that in my home we were really doing fine, the dynamic was very functional. I just needed an neutral outlet.  DH and I have done much better, I have my place to vent and am much more at peace, and he doesn't feel like he is ruining my life, because he isn't. I would suggest a counselor, not necessarily because anything needs fixing but because when such big life changes happen and so many personalities suddenly get thrown together and so many dynamics suddenly change in your life, talking through it certainly can help. It helped me immensely.

unhappy1968
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 4:08 PM
4 moms liked this

I am totally with you dear, I am a new step-mom of three boys... I feel exactly the way you do and I cry all the time and I feel so uncomfortable in my own home.....They come every other week for the full week and I have so much stress and anxiety a couple days before they even return and I get so depressed just knowing the chaos and all the work that will go into it when they come.  Their dad over looks everything and when I try to talk to him about it he just doesn't get it.  Your right his life has not changed....yours has... I feel for you.  I would give anything to have a little peace of me again.  

Panda113
by Silver Member on Mar. 8, 2013 at 4:14 PM
1 mom liked this
It's a hard transition. The first year of living with a kid was hardest. Sucks that it is just you at night during the week. For starters you need to make some alone time for you, get a sitter a day a week or so and go to the gym ( they have day care there) or something. It's easy to instantly start looking out for everyone but yourself. Giving yourself a night off will do you wonders. Maintain your friends (maybe meet the for lunch). Couple time will be hard because of the schedules. I'd suggest like an 830 bedtime on the weekend for your SS and then you can have some couple time.
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SavesSpiders
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 5:28 PM
1 mom liked this

You're normal and you're not alone.  I went from being childless for 37 years to having 2 adolescent (now teen) SDs.  It's a crazy adjustment!  Where the heck is my hair brush?  My good nail polish?  My phone charger?  Answer: the kids' rooms!  And let's not even start talking about empty boxes on the shelves of the cabinets.... grr!  However, I wouldn't trade them for the world.  I love them with all my heart and I'm happy to be a part of their lives.  

Sure, I'm overwhelmed and resentful that I can't have a bath in peace... but I also get to cuddle on the couch with them and a bowl of popcorn from time to time and watch Say Yes to the Dress marathons just to piss off their dad :) 


angelmommy2806
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 5:39 PM
Kinda sounds like it was dropped in your lap like I had done to me. The kids have lived with us for almost 2 years and I'm still having days where I want to lose it. Although I don't feel uncomfortable in my own home. They moved into Our house, with Our rules and Dh backs me up. If he didn't I don't think we would have lasted long.
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newstepmom61811
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 5:47 PM
Awesome! SD and I love that show, DH swears he hates it, funny though...he'll watch it if we are and always has an opinion on the dresses!


Quoting SavesSpiders:

You're normal and you're not alone.  I went from being childless for 37 years to having 2 adolescent (now teen) SDs.  It's a crazy adjustment!  Where the heck is my hair brush?  My good nail polish?  My phone charger?  Answer: the kids' rooms!  And let's not even start talking about empty boxes on the shelves of the cabinets.... grr!  However, I wouldn't trade them for the world.  I love them with all my heart and I'm happy to be a part of their lives.  

Sure, I'm overwhelmed and resentful that I can't have a bath in peace... but I also get to cuddle on the couch with them and a bowl of popcorn from time to time and watch Say Yes to the Dress marathons just to piss off their dad :) 



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