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Feeling burnt.. How do you cope ?

Posted by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 5:46 PM
  • 5 Replies
I am csm and bm is supposed to get sd every other weekend. Except it doesn't exactly work like that. Bm sees sd when it's good for her, which hasn't worked out lately. I totally facilitate the relationship between sd and bm. I understand it. I respect it. I am in no way coveting sd or want her to be my own. But truth of the matter is I am her main motherly figure. So with that said, when she brings home a picture and I ask to see it, she gives me a dirty look and says "it's for my MOM" and shows me very begrudgingly. It's a picture I've seen before , it was hanging on the wall at school before they let them take it home. So it's not a big deal but it hurt my feelings. I never ever say anything derogatory about her mom even though there's plenty to say. I let sd think she's perfect and she pretty much lives in a fantasy world when it comes to her mom. She is 9 now and I figure she will figure it out on her own and all I can do is be here consistently (dh and I together) because bm is constantly letting her down. Never following through. Choosing new love interests over her. And while all that is so clear to me,it isn't to sd. But I know it's not my place to point it out. But boy do I want to !!! :-/
That's where my question lies . How do you deal with these feelings? I shut up. I don't say anything. I put them in the back of my mind but that doesn't change the hurt. How do you all deal with those feelings ??!? We're all different. I wish I could just not let it get to me. I'm human and sometimes it does.
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by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 5:46 PM
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lovemyfriend
by Bronze Member on Mar. 8, 2013 at 5:51 PM
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I'm not a CSM so i don't have a lot of good advice.  Maybe try to think of her like your own daughter.  Do you remember being rude to your mom?  I sure do.  I thought she was a big ol meanie!  Then I grew up and realized that she was the best mom ever.  When i was 22...lol. 

So, think of BM maybe like a "disney dad" (even though I hate that term).  And think of SD as your own daughter who you love unconditionally no matter how many things she says that hurt your feelings.  You know she loves her mom, and you encourage it.  Thats awesome.  Just think of SDs love for you of the way that you loved your mom when you were being a brat.  Does that make sense? 

And hugs!  It is hard when my SD does something like that and I'm the "Disneyland SM" :)

newstepmom61811
by on Mar. 8, 2013 at 5:59 PM
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Your question is interesting. You feel "burnt" because there is an imbalance in what you are giving and receiving. This is a unique struggle for each CSM, finding that balance. You have to find for yourself how much you can give o this child before you feel "burnt" or used. It is tough to give and give and watch the child want a BM who is turning their back and prioritizing other things. I think too we cover for these BMs more than necessary. The BM is letting the child down, we aren't, let that fall happen. If the child then hurts, that is an issue only she can solve with the child. My SKs BM consistently disappoints them. I let it happen, sometimes they take their anger out on me, that I don't let happen. I direct them back to her to deal with her about th issue she has caused, doing this consistently has worked, they are able to see how each different adult is really treating them and separate it and put heir anger where it belongs. The only one left struggling is my 5 year old SS. In your case I would not have pushed, if it was for mom I would have then said, "OK, nevermind, I don't need to see it, save it for the next time you see her and dropped it." I would have diffused it immediately. He may be saving it for mom, if her relationship wih her mom is fragile she may have been testing you. I have learned through therapy with SS9 part of his anger at me is I serve as a daily reminder of what his mom is not doing that comes so easily to me and I'm not even his mother, why can't she love him enough to do it, he's angry at me for being there to expose it every day. So many reasons at that age for that kind of behavior. Just don't set yourself up and spend some time souls searching your personal boundary of what is your limit of giving before it crosses the line of burnt.
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Madammeke
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 7:26 AM
I hear you it is hard and can be painful. So far you are doing a great job. Don't cover for the mom and let time show the girl who is there and who is not. It will take awhile because it is painful for the child as well.

Hugs
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amantonacci
by Platinum Member on Mar. 9, 2013 at 9:45 AM

my own dd does that with things for her dad.... I think it's a faze but it does still hurt your feelings.

ramita
by Silver Member on Mar. 9, 2013 at 10:33 AM
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I get that feeling, in fact I've dealt with it with my own SS. He went 7 months without seeing his mom (by her own choice). He would constantly make stuff for her and put it in her 'pile' as we called it. One day he brought some stuff home from school and as I was going through his book bag he yanked it out of my hands and said "this is for my mom". It hurt not because it was for his mom but because he was rude about it. Ijust calmly told him I'm glad he's making stuff for his mom but I was just curious because he is so good at drawing stuff. His face lit up and he showed me right away. Of course, I said "wow your mom is gonna love this this is awesome" ! Now he always shows me whatever he's made for her and he's never rude about it. The point, just reinvorce that your happy she wants to make stuff for her mom, but that you just wanted to see it because she's good at coloring/drawing or whatever. The hurt will subside and she'll be more likely to show you without the attitude...
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