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Is this really considered controlling?

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I see a lot of posts on here about sm's saying they don't care if bm doesn't want them to attend things like doctors appointments and school events or doing certain things that bm is not okay with. I think if bm is not okay with sm doing something that should be respected and vice versa. 

by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 11:43 AM
Replies (21-30):
progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Mar. 9, 2013 at 4:02 PM
2 moms liked this

Why does BM care? I would have no problem with restricting an SM if she was trying to make medical decisions, posing as BM, or even if there was lingering emotional issues (ie : SM was the OW). However, I do not think it is right to block an SM and use the excuse of, “Because I’m MOM and I said so.” That, in my opinion, is very controlling.

 

I get that it’s hard to share your children, but that’s the consequence of divorce. Your child will have two homes and two families. It’s likely that BF will remarry. He has his own life now, which does not include BM. She does not get to have a say in who he marries or how he lives his life. She doesn’t get to have a say in how SM runs the house. She doesn’t get to dictate what SM can or can’t do. If she has a problem with SM, she needs to go to BF. However, if BF wants SM to attend appointments with him – it’s out of BM’s hands.

 

That being said – I would never march into an appointment during BM’s time and demand to be there. When I go, I’m with DH. I have taken SS to urgent care with DH. I was the one he complained to and I could list his symptoms (DH focused on the big picture and didn’t hear SS tell me important minor details such as - his ear felt clogged). Also, since we’re 50%, I’m very involved with medications and daily care. I also attend – separate – parent teacher conferences with DH. I help with his homework, talk about his school lessons, and do a lot of extracurricular assignments/practice.

 

We do try to respect BM’s wishes, but at the same time we ask that BM respects us. We live our own life and BM lives hers. She doesn’t try to interfere during DH’s time, just like we don’t interfere during hers. She also doesn’t try to block me from participating, just like we don’t block SF. I think everyone needs to learn give and take, and to hold yourself to the same standard that you expect from others.

ginamom512
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 4:38 PM



Quoting progressandjoy:

Why does BM care?Lets see she cares because thats her child I would have no problem with restricting an SM if she was trying to make medical decisions, posing as BM, or even if there was lingering emotional issues (ie : SM was the OW). However, I do not think it is right to block an SM and use the excuse of, “Because I’m MOM and I said so.” That, in my opinion, is very controlling.I think either parent has a right to restrict a step parents because they are not the parent the two parents should be there not the step parent. 

 

I get that it’s hard to share your childrenYes share the child with their father not a step mom. , but that’s the consequence of divorce. Your child will have two homes and two families. It’s likely that BF will remarry. He has his own life now, which does not include BM. She does not get to have a say in who he marries or how he lives his life. She doesn’t get to have a say in how SM runs the house. She doesn’t get to dictate what SM can or can’t do. If she has a problem with SM, she needs to go to BF. However, if BF wants SM to attend appointments with him – it’s out of BM’s hands.No step parent has a right to overstep if bm is not okay with step mom doing something bm's wishes should be respected.

 

That being said – I would never march into an appointment during BM’s time and demand to be there. When I go, I’m with DH. I have taken SS to urgent care with DH. I was the one he complained to and I could list his symptoms (DH focused on the big picture and didn’t hear SS tell me important minor details such as - his ear felt clogged). Also, since we’re 50%, I’m very involved with medications and daily care. I also attend – separate – parent teacher conferences with DH. I help with his homework, talk about his school lessons, and do a lot of extracurricular assignments/practice.

 

We do try to respect BM’s wishes, but at the same time we ask that BM respects us. We live our own life and BM lives hers. She doesn’t try to interfere during DH’s time, just like we don’t interfere during hers. She also doesn’t try to block me from participating, just like we don’t block SF. I think everyone needs to learn give and take, and to hold yourself to the same standard that you expect from others.



packermomof2
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 10:23 PM



Quoting progressandjoy:

Why does BM care?  Because that is mom's kid.  Why is it hard to understand why a parent would care? However, I do not think it is right to block an SM and use the excuse of, “Because I’m MOM and I said so.” That, in my opinion, is very controlling. Depends on the topic, really.  I would have no problem telling any nonparent that I'm mom and I don't need or want you there.  Could be my sister, my mother, I've told that to one of my ex's friends who told me she was telling my ex (when she saw him) that he should be more involved (okay, didn't say I'm the mom, that is why, but something about respect the fact that as the parent I don't want you involving yourself in this situation because this friend also was under the impression it was my doing that my ex doesn't come around that often and didn't realize my ex had a brain of his own), or a SM.  As the mom, I Have no problem being "controlling", as defined by CM, where my kids are concerned.

 

I get that it’s hard to share your children, but that’s the consequence of divorce.  Parents aren't sharing with dad's wife or mom's husband unless they are the ones married to that SP.  


Your child will have two homes and two families.  It's the adults who think this way, not most kids, at least not the kids I know, mine included  They have one family.  The best way I can think of to describe it is a Venn Diagram with the kids in the overlapping part and mom and dad in the outside bubbles.


It’s likely that BF will remarry. This shouldn't have much to do with anything.


He has his own life now, which does not include BM. She does not get to have a say in who he marries or how he lives his life.  No one cares if dad remarries or how he lives his personal life.


She doesn’t get to have a say in how SM runs the house. She doesn’t get to dictate what SM can or can’t do. If she has a problem with SM, she needs to go to BF. However, if BF wants SM to attend appointments with him – it’s out of BM’s hands. This isn't true.  If how SM wants things done affect mom's kids mom gets a say even if SM doesn't like it. It can be as simple as the kids being reminded that they respect their parents over what anyone else says (if SM is going against what the kids have been taught by one parent) or as big as getting the courts involved.  Is dad going to tell SM to back off or let her continue causing problems (if, indeed what she is doing is causing issues)?  If dad is going to side with the wife instead of respecting the only other parent, I see no problem with mom reminding SM that she is dad's wife, part of his personal life, but doesn't get to be respected as just a part of his personal life if she keeps doing things that affect the kids.  As for the last part of your statement, yes, mom can prevent SM from going to appointments.  It isn't that hard to tell doctors "parents only" or teachers that eiither.

 

. I think everyone needs to learn give and take, and to hold yourself to the same standard that you expect from others.  I can agre with this.  My standard is to be a very involved parent, not involve SP's if either parent has a problem with something, don't allow the SP to do what a parent can do unless 1) both parents are fine with it or 2) one parent isn't that involved.  If both are involved and one says no, that is that. I don't have my husband get invovled when my ex steps up and I expect SM to stay uninvolved all the time because I'm fully involved.  




"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Mar. 9, 2013 at 11:55 PM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting ginamom512:

 Lets see she cares because thats her child

It’s DH’s child, too. Again I ask – why does BM care? Is SM doing something that causes her concern? I understand that BM cares because it’s her child, but I’d think a BM would want an active and caring SM on board. I don’t see why a BM would be so hell bent on restricting an SM, unless - a) SM has caused problems before, b) BM is dealing with jealousy or insecurities, c) BM wants to assert her ‘dominance’.

Yes share the child with their father not a step mom. 

I didn’t mean that BM has to share her child with SM. I meant that BM has to share her child with BF, who is sharing a life with SM.

No step parent has a right to overstep if bm is not okay with step mom doing something bm's wishes should be respected.

What if BF has conflicting ‘wishes’? What if BM allows SF to do the things against DH’s wishes? 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 12:44 AM
2 moms liked this
I don't really care either way. I like to be the mom to my kids so as long as SM realizes that I'm front and center at dr appointments and school decision making meetings and that her opinion is not valid, then she is welcome to attend.
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progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 1:45 AM

Sorry Packer, I feel a few of my responses are weak and not anywhere near as articulate as I was hoping. I still wanted to finish my response, but I hit my wall about halfway through. I’m exhausted. I’ll check this post in the morning (although feel free to respond before I edit :) ) and make sure I didn’t completely trail off into something nonsensical. 

 

Quoting packermomof2:

Because that is mom's kid.  Why is it hard to understand why a parent would care?
 

No, I do understand that it is BM's kid. I guess my question should be - Why is BM so hell-bent on barring SM? Is there a reason other than, "Because I said so?"    

From what I've gathered from your posts (I apologize in advance if I've assumed incorrectly), SM did something that, at the very least, rubbed you the wrong way. To top it off, it doesn't sound like BF is very involved. In a situation where an SM has done something, I can understand a BM saying, "Because SM did x I don't want her involved." I can also understand a BM saying, "SM was the other woman and I feel x towards her. I don't want her involved, because I don't want to be forced to be in the same room as her." What I don't understand is a BM saying, "I know that SM genuinely cares about the kids and XH would really like her to attend the PTC, because she helps with a lot of school related things. However, I just don't want her there, so she can't come. 

In my opinion, everyone that's involved with the day to day (or 50+% of the time) is an invaluable resource. To toss out SM is throwing away a resource. Yeah, you can probably do just fine with two resources - but wouldn't it be best for the child to use all the resources available? I'm not saying SM needs to make decisions or even voice her opinion, however, I'm sure she has simple observations that she can contribute. She's another set of eyes. I guess I just feel tossing SM (or SF) aside is a waste of resources.  

Depends on the topic, really.

I will admit I'm bias. A lot of my experiences with, "Because I'm MOM and I said so," went like this - "I don't want SM to talk to SS and because I said so, she can't." "I don't want SS to ride in the car with SM, and I'll file kidnapping charges if you go against it." "Even though SM is interested in the subject matter (and going to school for education), she's not allowed to help SS with his nightly homework." "I don't want SM to bond with SS, so she's not allowed to read to him at bedtime." It is things like this that make me see, "Because I'm BM and I said so, it will be done my way," as nothing more than an attempt to be controlling.

It's the adults who think this way, not most kids, at least not the kids I know, mine included  They have one family.  The best way I can think of to describe it is a Venn Diagram with the kids in the overlapping part and mom and dad in the outside bubbles.  

This is a difference in our experiences. I'm a COD and I've always (even now) felt that I've had two families. Mom's family included SF and his family and Dad's family included SM and her family. My three stepbrothers also felt the same way. My SS feels the same way as well. On multiple occasions he's said, "I'm lucky because I have two families. I have two mommies, two daddies, and two houses." Even though he refers to SF and I by our first names, he sees us as the ‘mom' and ‘dad' of our respective houses. It would crush him, if someone told him, ‘No, only BM and BF are your family.' He had a very difficult time when BM was on a crusade against me. I will also say, SF and I both came into SS's life when he was very young (SF - two, Me - three). SS doesn't really recall a time without us being in the picture.


This isn't true.  If how SM wants things done affect mom's kids mom gets a say even if SM doesn't like it. It can be as simple as the kids being reminded that they respect their parents over what anyone else says (if SM is going against what the kids have been taught by one parent) or as big as getting the courts involved. Is dad going to tell SM to back off or let her continue causing problems (if, indeed what she is doing is causing issues)?  If dad is going to side with the wife instead of respecting the only other parent, I see no problem with mom reminding SM that she is dad's wife, part of his personal life, but doesn't get to be respected as just a part of his personal life if she keeps doing things that affect the kids.  As for the last part of your statement, yes, mom can prevent SM from going to appointments.  It isn't that hard to tell doctors "parents only" or teachers that eiither.  

Can you give me an example?

I don't think BM can enforce her home rules in DH's house. If SM asks that homework is done after dinner, I don't BM should be able to enforce that the kids do it as soon as they get home from school. I don't think BM should be able to tell SM, ‘no, you can't help with their homework' and ‘you're not allowed to read to them at bedtime.'

Troubleswife
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 3:41 AM

 I think there are a lot of things parents can avoid each other on and each side get what they nned, so yes it's controlling.

 

Troubleswife
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 3:42 AM

 

Quoting momof2ex1:

I don't really care either way. I like to be the mom to my kids so as long as SM realizes that I'm front and center at dr appointments and school decision making meetings and that her opinion is not valid, then she is welcome to attend.

 Yes to this too.

FloridaMomma
by Silver Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 6:37 AM
1 mom liked this
"irregardless" is not a word. Perhaps only SM's who know how to spell should be allowed to help with HW and attend school events.


Quoting thatislife:

doctor's appts are different, school events i think sparents should get to go to irregardless bm opinion and pay more attention to their spouse and the child's opinion


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Remy11
by Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 7:57 AM
My Step Kids BM views me and someone who loves and cares for her kids in the same way a mother does for her kids.. But she also knows that I respect her position as mother. That said she has no problem with my input or dealings with those "private" situations as its another eyes and ears on the situation and can be helpful. If it comes down to a decision of course it is theirs but she is always open to a view point. No matter what the situation BM deserve respect. You just might get it in return eventually and then the OP's question wouldn't be an issue.
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