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Is this really considered controlling?

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I see a lot of posts on here about sm's saying they don't care if bm doesn't want them to attend things like doctors appointments and school events or doing certain things that bm is not okay with. I think if bm is not okay with sm doing something that should be respected and vice versa. 

by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 11:43 AM
Replies (31-40):
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 10:16 AM

This isn't grammer school but it is a word though considered nonstandard.

Quoting FloridaMomma:

"irregardless" is not a word. Perhaps only SM's who know how to spell should be allowed to help with HW and attend school events.


Quoting thatislife:

doctor's appts are different, school events i think sparents should get to go to irregardless bm opinion and pay more attention to their spouse and the child's opinion



Wife, Mother and Career Woman living in Jamaica

ginamom512
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 10:23 AM

I think it is a different situation if sm is CSM then its kind of hard for sm not to do things for the children but if the mom is custodial and ncp and sm have eowe it should be respected. 


Quoting faerie75:

I guess it depends. If its a CSM and mom doesn't try to do these things and dad can't be there due to work or whatever I can see sm being insistent on being able to. In my case BM and bd handle it and that's fine by me.



ginamom512
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 10:28 AM



Quoting progressandjoy:






Quoting ginamom512:

 Lets see she cares because thats her child


It’s DH’s child, too. Again I ask – why does BM care? Is SM doing something that causes her concern? I understand that BM cares because it’s her child, but I’d think a BM would want an active and caring SM on board. I don’t see why a BM would be so hell bent on restricting an SM, unless - a) SM has caused problems before, b) BM is dealing with jealousy or insecurities, c) BM wants to assert her ‘dominance’.Yes I understand that it is BD's child to I know for a fact I would not want an active smom in my child's life caring about my child is one thing but acting like a mother and doing stuff for my child I am not comfortable with that. A sm is not entitled to do things for the sk the child has two parents and sm or sdad isn't one of them. 



Yes share the child with their father not a step mom. 


I didn’t mean that BM has to share her child with SM. I meant that BM has to share her child with BF, who is sharing a life with SM.Yes BD is sharing a life with sm but that doesn't mean they are sharing the child if bm or bd aren't ok with a sm or a sdad doing something then that should be respected.


No step parent has a right to overstep if bm is not okay with step mom doing something bm's wishes should be respected.

What if BF has conflicting ‘wishes’? What if BM allows SF to do the things against DH’s wishes? If they have conflicting wishes then they need to respect each other. 



pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 12:09 PM

OP, what shoul a SM to your DD be allowed to do?  What is she not allowed to do?  You have clearly given this a lot of thought since you post about this regularly.  Your DD is 16 and doesn't really have or has ever had a SM.  you are not a SM.  Where do these very strong and black and white opinions come from?

ginamom512
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 12:14 PM

If my DD had a step mom I wouldn't mind the step mom taking DD out or go to a park or something like that. Even though my daughter doesn't have a sm I still know what I would feel uncomfortable with a sm doing. 


Quoting pdxmum:

OP, what shoul a SM to your DD be allowed to do?  What is she not allowed to do?  You have clearly given this a lot of thought since you post about this regularly.  Your DD is 16 and doesn't really have or has ever had a SM.  you are not a SM.  Where do these very strong and black and white opinions come from?



packermomof2
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 12:49 PM



Quoting progressandjoy:

Sorry Packer, I feel a few of my responses are weak and not anywhere near as articulate as I was hoping. I still wanted to finish my response, but I hit my wall about halfway through. I’m exhausted. I’ll check this post in the morning (although feel free to respond before I edit :) ) and make sure I didn’t completely trail off into something nonsensical. 


Can you give me an example?

I don't think BM can enforce her home rules in DH's house. If SM asks that homework is done after dinner, I don't BM should be able to enforce that the kids do it as soon as they get home from school. I don't think BM should be able to tell SM, ‘no, you can't help with their homework' and ‘you're not allowed to read to them at bedtime.'

I'll go with your example.  I  sent my kids homework with them to their father's house one time only because I wanted it done a certain way.  I expect my children to do their own homework and to be responsible for it.  I only want them getting help when they actually do not "get it" and I can tell when they are trying to pull a fast one and when they actually don't "get it".  I feel this has helped them get to where they are now - for example, my son missed a total of four on a state standardized test (two in reading, two in language arts) and was perfect in math (I'm not a huge fan of standardized tests, but that is impressive). Both of my children are considered to be gifted and my daughter is in all honors in the sixth grade.  Both have straight A's. 

The one time I sent homework to dad's my oldest came home and told me how he didn't want to time her three times (as per the rules) only wanted to time her once and have her write the same number twice, instead of following the rules of the assignment. So I stopped ever sending it because his idea of "help" was to try to get her to lie. 

On top of that, I know that SM's kids weren't doing well in school and I didn't want to risk her helping my kids when her kids were where they were, educationally. 

Another rule.  I have a "garbage in/garbage out" mentality for my kids.  It doesn't matter where they are, who they are with if garbage goes in, garbage will come out.  So I put rules on what they can watch/games they can play/music they can listen to.  I taught my kids these rules and let them know that when  (not if)I find out they go against these rules, no matter what anyone else says, there will be consequences when they get back home.

My kids did learn to say "my mom says I can't play/watch that" and SM didn't like that.  She told them that since she doesn't tell me how to raise them in my house, I can't tell her how to raise them in hers.  This was over a certain video game that I don't want my kids playing (World of Warcraft.  Her kids were allowed to play it.  My kids were younger than hers).  My daughter mulled it over and asked if that was true.  I said no.  When *I* say there is no WoW, there is no WoW, even if SM doesn't agree. 

There are more examples out there. 

This also has nothing to do with anyone crossing a line, but has to do with me being the parent and deciding certain things for my kids.  If I make a rule that doesn't affect the overall running of SM's house, just for my kids, there is no reason good enough to undermine me on the basis of "my house, my rules, I'm undermining because I can"...

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
ginamom512
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 1:00 PM

A situation that happened was when DD was younger she was at her BD's and his gf's kids listen to all types of music with foul language and DD knows I don't approve of that so she left the room and BD and gf said it's their rules in their home which I don't agree with. Also when she was younger they would let her watch t.v. shows that I did not approve of because gf's kids could so BD thought there was no problem with that.


Luckily my daughter was smart enough to leave the room as well my DD is a High Honors student she excels in everything she does she is very well behaved doesn't give me any trouble always does her homework never has gone against me never got into drinking or drugs. I think if BD doesn't respect moms boundaries then that is wrong and there will be issues in all actuality is causes more problems for the children involved. 


Quoting packermomof2:



Quoting progressandjoy:

Sorry Packer, I feel a few of my responses are weak and not anywhere near as articulate as I was hoping. I still wanted to finish my response, but I hit my wall about halfway through. I’m exhausted. I’ll check this post in the morning (although feel free to respond before I edit :) ) and make sure I didn’t completely trail off into something nonsensical. 


Can you give me an example?

I don't think BM can enforce her home rules in DH's house. If SM asks that homework is done after dinner, I don't BM should be able to enforce that the kids do it as soon as they get home from school. I don't think BM should be able to tell SM, ‘no, you can't help with their homework' and ‘you're not allowed to read to them at bedtime.'

I'll go with your example.  I  sent my kids homework with them to their father's house one time only because I wanted it done a certain way.  I expect my children to do their own homework and to be responsible for it.  I only want them getting help when they actually do not "get it" and I can tell when they are trying to pull a fast one and when they actually don't "get it".  I feel this has helped them get to where they are now - for example, my son missed a total of four on a state standardized test (two in reading, two in language arts) and was perfect in math (I'm not a huge fan of standardized tests, but that is impressive). Both of my children are considered to be gifted and my daughter is in all honors in the sixth grade.  Both have straight A's. 

The one time I sent homework to dad's my oldest came home and told me how he didn't want to time her three times (as per the rules) only wanted to time her once and have her write the same number twice, instead of following the rules of the assignment. So I stopped ever sending it because his idea of "help" was to try to get her to lie. 

On top of that, I know that SM's kids weren't doing well in school and I didn't want to risk her helping my kids when her kids were where they were, educationally. 

Another rule.  I have a "garbage in/garbage out" mentality for my kids.  It doesn't matter where they are, who they are with if garbage goes in, garbage will come out.  So I put rules on what they can watch/games they can play/music they can listen to.  I taught my kids these rules and let them know that when  (not if)I find out they go against these rules, no matter what anyone else says, there will be consequences when they get back home.

My kids did learn to say "my mom says I can't play/watch that" and SM didn't like that.  She told them that since she doesn't tell me how to raise them in my house, I can't tell her how to raise them in hers.  This was over a certain video game that I don't want my kids playing (World of Warcraft.  Her kids were allowed to play it.  My kids were younger than hers).  My daughter mulled it over and asked if that was true.  I said no.  When *I* say there is no WoW, there is no WoW, even if SM doesn't agree. 

There are more examples out there. 

This also has nothing to do with anyone crossing a line, but has to do with me being the parent and deciding certain things for my kids.  If I make a rule that doesn't affect the overall running of SM's house, just for my kids, there is no reason good enough to undermine me on the basis of "my house, my rules, I'm undermining because I can"...



pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 1:13 PM


How long ago did you and DH divorce?

seems like this GF has been around a long time.

Quoting ginamom512:

If my DD had a step mom I wouldn't mind the step mom taking DD out or go to a park or something like that. Even though my daughter doesn't have a sm I still know what I would feel uncomfortable with a sm doing. 


Quoting pdxmum:

OP, what shoul a SM to your DD be allowed to do?  What is she not allowed to do?  You have clearly given this a lot of thought since you post about this regularly.  Your DD is 16 and doesn't really have or has ever had a SM.  you are not a SM.  Where do these very strong and black and white opinions come from?





ginamom512
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 1:15 PM

Years ago when DD when younger and yes the gf has been around for a good ten years. 


Quoting pdxmum:


How long ago did you and DH divorce?

seems like this GF has been around a long time.

Quoting ginamom512:

If my DD had a step mom I wouldn't mind the step mom taking DD out or go to a park or something like that. Even though my daughter doesn't have a sm I still know what I would feel uncomfortable with a sm doing. 


Quoting pdxmum:

OP, what shoul a SM to your DD be allowed to do?  What is she not allowed to do?  You have clearly given this a lot of thought since you post about this regularly.  Your DD is 16 and doesn't really have or has ever had a SM.  you are not a SM.  Where do these very strong and black and white opinions come from?







runmaryrun
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 1:18 PM

We have joint custody of the SD so, we all are involved in her school and activities.  If we all can make it, we all go.  My husband travels alot so I see more of the homework than he does. I feel we would all have input in her school work.  BM doesn't like this and says I shouldn't attend these but, I go anyway.  BM also says the parent that has the child should be the only parent that goes to that activity.  But, BM attends them all.  Go figure!  The best message is to the SD that we all care!!

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