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Is this really considered controlling?

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I see a lot of posts on here about sm's saying they don't care if bm doesn't want them to attend things like doctors appointments and school events or doing certain things that bm is not okay with. I think if bm is not okay with sm doing something that should be respected and vice versa. 

by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 11:43 AM
Replies (41-50):
pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 1:27 PM
2 moms liked this
Well, perhaps it is time to accept that your DD has a SM.

Honestly, the way you talk about stuff it is as if the divorce happened last year instead of over 10 years ago.

Find some peace.


Quoting ginamom512:

Years ago when DD when younger and yes the gf has been around for a good ten years. 



Quoting pdxmum:


How long ago did you and DH divorce?

seems like this GF has been around a long time.


Quoting ginamom512:

If my DD had a step mom I wouldn't mind the step mom taking DD out or go to a park or something like that. Even though my daughter doesn't have a sm I still know what I would feel uncomfortable with a sm doing. 



Quoting pdxmum:

OP, what shoul a SM to your DD be allowed to do?  What is she not allowed to do?  You have clearly given this a lot of thought since you post about this regularly.  Your DD is 16 and doesn't really have or has ever had a SM.  you are not a SM.  Where do these very strong and black and white opinions come from?











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ginamom512
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 1:28 PM

Thats the thing my  DD does not have a sm and I am at peace thank you. 


Quoting pdxmum:

Well, perhaps it is time to accept that your DD has a SM.

Honestly, the way you talk about stuff it is as if the divorce happened last year instead of over 10 years ago.

Find some peace.


Quoting ginamom512:

Years ago when DD when younger and yes the gf has been around for a good ten years. 



Quoting pdxmum:


How long ago did you and DH divorce?

seems like this GF has been around a long time.


Quoting ginamom512:

If my DD had a step mom I wouldn't mind the step mom taking DD out or go to a park or something like that. Even though my daughter doesn't have a sm I still know what I would feel uncomfortable with a sm doing. 



Quoting pdxmum:

OP, what shoul a SM to your DD be allowed to do?  What is she not allowed to do?  You have clearly given this a lot of thought since you post about this regularly.  Your DD is 16 and doesn't really have or has ever had a SM.  you are not a SM.  Where do these very strong and black and white opinions come from?













packermomof2
by on Mar. 10, 2013 at 1:33 PM



Quoting runmaryrun:

We have joint custody of the SD so, we all are involved in her school and activities.  If we all can make it, we all go.  My husband travels alot so I see more of the homework than he does. I feel we would all have input in her school work.  BM doesn't like this and says I shouldn't attend these but, I go anyway.  BM also says the parent that has the child should be the only parent that goes to that activity.  But, BM attends them all.  Go figure!  The best message is to the SD that we all care!!


I think it is okay for parents to attend all their kids do.  But I don't think SP's need to go. It doesn't send a good message to the kid if there is a ton of stress and tension just so that SP can do what they like.  Kids can know you care without having ot push yourself into a situation so that you (general) feel better about being in their lives.  

My husband used to sit out events where we knew my ex was going to be there just to make things easier on the children.  Those two are oil and water and while they wouldn't talk to each other, the tension was thick.  Kids pick up on that and it isn't good for the kid.  Not all kids care that a SP goes; some prefer their parents to be there and that works just fine.

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Mar. 10, 2013 at 3:04 PM
I hate going to my own kids PTC's so I wouldn't insert myself in my skids. I have went in place of BM and Dh when they couldn't make it. Ill never do that again bc I wanted to "help" yss out after that and it wasn't my place. (Getting bad grades due to homework not turned in)

I think a CSM is different. Skid affects her home more. So you need to be more active if needed.

Just being funny,why is it different between a bio wanting steps to do other things?(think prom,amusement park,BP thinking sm's have to use their money for skids,ect and time on skids) but gosh forbid they attend a PTC? What if SP is just really genuinely caring about the skids and wants to know first hand also? Just some stupid thoughts. I think sometimes some BP's want steps to do something things and its not fair for them to pick and chose and steps just have to "respect their decision".

Totally not my stitch but I was just thinking.

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Birdseed
by Gold Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 3:14 PM

Every situation is different I guess.  Especially in an NCP situation though, I have a hard time wrapping my head around how or why a SP would be involved in some things without being specifically invited by the other parent.

When it comes to PTC's and field trips, I help out when asked by DH/BM/kids.  If BM didn't want me there, I wouldn't go.  About the only situation I can think of where I would go "against" BM's wishes was if she wasn't going and DH couldn't go and he asked me to be his proxy.  

With things like homework, I help out with certain things--even when the kids are at BM's--if asked.  It's never been an issue.  As the kids are getting older and doing more advanced studies, BM, DH, or I have strengths that compliment each other and can help the kids.  I usually help out with the science stuff, DH with math, and BM is very good with the writing/creative stuff.

If I had a bio kid of my own going to another house, I might not be very hip to have certain people helping him/her if I ddin't feel that they were competent.  Whether it was their BF or SM or grandma or an aunt.  

If BM and I were so at odds that we couldn't keep it together in a public place, I'd probably bow out of most things like concerts, plays, and games.  I'd rather not create an uncomfortable situation if I have an opportunity not to.  But again, that's just never been an issue for us.



TJandKarasMom
by Bronze Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 4:25 PM

BM tried to tell me I wasn't allowed to take SD to the dr.  Then she signed over full custody and ran off.  Too bad, I take SD to the dr.  I also sign her up for all her EC's, sign her report cards, field trip forms, meet with her teachers, email her teachers.  I do everything I do for DS.  I am SDs mom and do all that mom stuff.  BM can say whatever she wants, when you limit your contact with your kid, you don't get a say anymore.  Obviously she either a)knows I am good enough to raise her child or b)doesn't care enough about her child to care if I'm good enough...so she just doesn't get a say in it anymore.

When she was seeing SD, she tried to tell the judge I can't do any of that, and the judge asked what would be better, for SD to be brought to the dr by me if DH was working, or to wait hours or days until BM was available to bring her?  BM was kind of screwed with either answer.  But obviously if I had SD and she needed to go to the dr and DH was fine with me bringing her, than I should be able to bring her since BM lived 90 min away.  I was to call DH asap and then he was to inform mom asap.  I was also allowed (per the judge) to join DH at any p/t conferences or anything since I was more involved than BM and we had SD more than BM. 

jlg12678
by Gold Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 6:35 PM
4 moms liked this

Hills I have no desire to die on include sm taking my child to the dentist on dad's time or attending a ptc with him. 

My child knows who mom and dad are. If sm helping out makes things easier on dad's side more power to her.

Life is honestly too short to get upset over stuff like this. 

ramita
by Silver Member on Mar. 10, 2013 at 8:24 PM
I'm a CSM and my DH usually can't take off work to do dr appointments or parent teacher conferences. If I wasn't here DH would have one of his parents go or he'd end up finding another job or work late/weekends to make up time.

When I wasn't a CSM I never would've thought about attending anything for SS unless my DH asked. Of course, my SS was going to a school about 45 minutes away from where I lived and he had a Mom and a SD and a BF between the 3 of them someone could've take SS to dr appointments.

Unfortunately my SS's BM never informed my DH of anything regarding SS and if asked she would always either find a way to not answer or she'd say she didn't know even though we knew she should've known. If we knew SS had been asked and my DH texted/called to see how he was she would respond/answer or even call back.

Now I could see if my DD and SS were at same school and I was involved with her stuff and was asked to help by teacher to help with SS's stuff (small schools around here this happens fairly often because everyone knows everyone).

I think it just depends on the situation and if BM is expecting SF to be there why can't the SM?
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widowedmomoftwo
by on Mar. 11, 2013 at 10:33 AM

first off, why would a SM feel the need to attend Dr's appts?  I attend sports games with my DH all the time.  Fortunately I have a good relationship with BM and always thanks me for coming as it means alot to the kids. 

boysmom5
by Bronze Member on Mar. 11, 2013 at 10:35 AM

Bm didn't go to dr appt or ptc or sports/activities before skids moved in with Dh and I.  Dh handles drappts and we both attend ptc/iep meetings.  I'm usually the one who goes to extracurriculars.  The boys use to ask their mom to come to their games and school functions, but after her being a no show every time, they stopped asking.  It's sad.

Xh and his gf attend games and school activities and I couldn't care less.  It's not like my kids are going to get confused and forget that I'm their mom.  Xh schedules his own ptc and gf probably attends with him.  Our boys both do very well in school and the more people supporting them the better.   

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