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I Don't Understand This Thinking! **ETA**

Posted by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 12:32 PM
  • 21 Replies

For those who don't know my situation, I am the custodial SM on my DSD6.
I have two BK from a previous marriage, and I am their CP, as well.
BM is not really in DSD's life. They talk on the phone once a week, on Firdays, but have not seen each other in two years.
With my XH, things are pretty good. We agree on most things with our kids.
DH and him don't get along, but they don't fight.
DS4 was in Tee-Ball last summer. There were no problems with both DH and XH coming to games/practices. They put aside their differences to be able to support the little man that they both love.
DS calls DH Daddy just as he calls BD Daddy. So does my DD2.
I am sure that XH isn't fond of this, but he realizes that his children made the choice to call my husband this, and I think he's glad that I married someone who genuinely loves his children.
So when I see posts about how people have a problem with the other parent, be it the S, BM, SF or BF, it just baffles me.
If you love the kids in your life then you should want what's best for them, no matter what.
And what's best for a child is that all the adults in his/her life get along. So that they are not feeling like they have to play favorites, or hiding that they love one parent from another.
I just find it sad that some people put their adult issues before the well being on the child/ren in their lives.

Rant over.


**ETA** Before DS was born, XH and I discussed the whole 'other dad' thing.
Since I am from a blended family, this was very important to me.
I asked him, if we broke up, and I got a new man, how he would feel with our child calling another man dad.
He told me that as long as I never tried to keep his son from him or make DS think that he wasn't his father that he would be fine with it.

by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 12:32 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Sandiekd21
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 12:45 PM

BUMP!

thatislife
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 12:58 PM
1 mom liked this

And if you know your xh isn't fond of his kids calling another man daddy you could have made the choice as they were growing up to repeat his actual name to them rather then allowing this as your dh's dislike of this probably fuels the 'they dont' get along' thing your x and dh have going (maybe they in theory put it behind for a ball game but sure the kids pick up on it).  So you really are just human like the rest of us and don't always put what you all want aside for the best interest of the kids.  I think the problem is it is easier to look at someone else's situation and point out how they are doing it all wrong while not seeing things being done wrong in your own sitch.  Perhaps we are all guility of that to a degree.

Sandiekd21
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 1:12 PM

I am from a step-family.
I had both a SM and a SD.
I call them Mom and Dad. My kids call them Granny and Grandpa Baldy-Head (it's a family thing- my niece and nephew started it, and my SD loves it).
I love my step-parents and they are wonderful, caring, loving people.
It was our choice to call them by their name or Mom/Dad.
I had a wonderful childhood with them there. Why would I deter my kids frm this same experience?
XH has said nothing to me about liking or disliking it. I just feel that he may not like it.
I know that I would not like it if he got with someone and they started calling her Mom.

Quoting thatislife:

And if you know your xh isn't fond of his kids calling another man daddy you could have made the choice as they were growing up to repeat his actual name to them rather then allowing this as your dh's dislike of this probably fuels the 'they dont' get along' thing your x and dh have going (maybe they in theory put it behind for a ball game but sure the kids pick up on it).  So you really are just human like the rest of us and don't always put what you all want aside for the best interest of the kids.  I think the problem is it is easier to look at someone else's situation and point out how they are doing it all wrong while not seeing things being done wrong in your own sitch.  Perhaps we are all guility of that to a degree.


thatislife
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 1:17 PM

 You know you would not like it (the whole do unto others as...) and you feel he does not like it you raised them it is find to do it.  Your kids could not have had a wonderful childhood without calling your dh 'dad' knowing you would not like it and feeling your x does not?  I was just pointing out that we ALL (you included) have less then perfect situations.


Quoting Sandiekd21:

I am from a step-family.
I had both a SM and a SD.
I call them Mom and Dad. My kids call them Granny and Grandpa Baldy-Head (it's a family thing- my niece and nephew started it, and my SD loves it).
I love my step-parents and they are wonderful, caring, loving people.
It was our choice to call them by their name or Mom/Dad.
I had a wonderful childhood with them there. Why would I deter my kids frm this same experience?
XH has said nothing to me about liking or disliking it. I just feel that he may not like it.
I know that I would not like it if he got with someone and they started calling her Mom.

Quoting thatislife:

And if you know your xh isn't fond of his kids calling another man daddy you could have made the choice as they were growing up to repeat his actual name to them rather then allowing this as your dh's dislike of this probably fuels the 'they dont' get along' thing your x and dh have going (maybe they in theory put it behind for a ball game but sure the kids pick up on it).  So you really are just human like the rest of us and don't always put what you all want aside for the best interest of the kids.  I think the problem is it is easier to look at someone else's situation and point out how they are doing it all wrong while not seeing things being done wrong in your own sitch.  Perhaps we are all guility of that to a degree.



 

lnr187
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 1:19 PM
1 mom liked this

 im pretty sure she stated that the kids chose to do this, and because xh understands that the kids love their sf, he doesn't make it an issue. that is both of them putting their own issues aside for the sake of the kids. yes she could have encouraged they call sf by his name, but it doesn't seem to have caused any major problems that she didn't. also it's easier said than done. ss calls me mommy. we tried to discourage it, but he insisted. we stopped fighting it.

Quoting thatislife:

And if you know your xh isn't fond of his kids calling another man daddy you could have made the choice as they were growing up to repeat his actual name to them rather then allowing this as your dh's dislike of this probably fuels the 'they dont' get along' thing your x and dh have going (maybe they in theory put it behind for a ball game but sure the kids pick up on it).  So you really are just human like the rest of us and don't always put what you all want aside for the best interest of the kids.  I think the problem is it is easier to look at someone else's situation and point out how they are doing it all wrong while not seeing things being done wrong in your own sitch.  Perhaps we are all guility of that to a degree.

 

lnr187
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 1:23 PM

 i agree with this for the most part. but it's not that simple. we have tried to get along with bm and sf, but we don't agree with things they do or how they raise the kids. we suspect abuse or neglect, but can't prove it. we've had our issues with them, sometimes they turn into fights. and sometimes we go through phases where we get along great, as we are currently. ss calls me mommy. it bothered bm so we tried to discourage it, but he insisted that he loves me and likes calling me mommy and it was making him sad if he had to change it. so we gave up. maybe that was wrong on our parts, but we weren't going to be the ones to upset him about it. he spends FAR more time with me than bm anyways. i think it's a little security for him to have "mommy" around.

packermomof2
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 1:24 PM
1 mom liked this

Parents don't have to go along with whatever their kids choose to do, that is not a good thing for a kid.  It is okay to teach your children that parents are human and have feelings and that sometimes those feelings will matter.  If something one parent allows bothers the other parent and that parent knows it bothers them, you are teaching the kid to disrespect their parent.  That isn't teaching the kid anything good and can backfire later in life. 

maybe your ex doesn't trust you not to make s stink so he goes along with it, maybe he isn't bothered, maybe it is killing him inside but doesn't know to deal with it.  Either way, his feelings on this topic should matter more than your kids getting to do what they want and hurting their father so that your new

family feels the warm fuzzies.

thatislife
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 1:24 PM
1 mom liked this

 Kids choose to do a lot of things.  Parents get to guide them into their final choices, especially when very young.  She states her dh and x don't get along and she feels her x does not like his 2 and 4 year old calling another man Dad.  Just because he hasn't thrown an all out fit about it doesn't mean it is okay or this choice on her part is not contributing to this.  I was just pointing out that ALL blended families have their issues and hers does not seem to be the exception.


Quoting lnr187:

 im pretty sure she stated that the kids chose to do this, and because xh understands that the kids love their sf, he doesn't make it an issue. that is both of them putting their own issues aside for the sake of the kids. yes she could have encouraged they call sf by his name, but it doesn't seem to have caused any major problems that she didn't. also it's easier said than done. ss calls me mommy. we tried to discourage it, but he insisted. we stopped fighting it.

Quoting thatislife:

And if you know your xh isn't fond of his kids calling another man daddy you could have made the choice as they were growing up to repeat his actual name to them rather then allowing this as your dh's dislike of this probably fuels the 'they dont' get along' thing your x and dh have going (maybe they in theory put it behind for a ball game but sure the kids pick up on it).  So you really are just human like the rest of us and don't always put what you all want aside for the best interest of the kids.  I think the problem is it is easier to look at someone else's situation and point out how they are doing it all wrong while not seeing things being done wrong in your own sitch.  Perhaps we are all guility of that to a degree.

 


 

chanizen
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 1:30 PM
The key to your statement is that the bf decided to be ok with it. If he wasn't, he would be well within his rights to say "I'm dad".

The "call me mommy" thing is a common alienation technique. It's not always cool.
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SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Mar. 9, 2013 at 1:35 PM

I think that a lot of people have trouble agreeing what is 'in the best interest' of their child after a divorce. Situations change and sometimes people see that maybe what was in their kids best interest, is no longer an option.

Maybe your ex is jealous of the time your DH gets with the kids. If they don't get along, then your DH must have some reason for not liking your ex, right?

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