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For a friend...SS6 crying for BM

Posted by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 4:53 PM
  • 13 Replies

BM in this kid's life is out of the picture.  She left about 2 years ago and doesn't seem to want to be involved at all.

My friend and her SO are young (early 20's) with a 6YO kiddo who has a LOT of issues. Mostly attachment type stuff.

Friend called me yesterday morning because SS was crying and wanting his mom.  She won't answer the phone when they call.  She tells him when she DOES talk to him that she's busy because she has to make money to feed herself.  (which has resulted in him asking everyone for money for momma.)

It's a sad situation.  Kids having had kids and not wanting to parent.  I get that.

But my friend (22YO) is asking me as a "Mom"  (ha!) what to do.  And I just don't know.  When he's crying for his mom and asking why she left, what SHOULD this gal do?

I honestly don't know.  I've referred her to a counselor.  That's the best I've got.



by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 4:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
destiny83
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 4:57 PM

No advice either. I just can't say enough how kids having kids affects SO many more people then the BPs ever thought would. 

ejsmom4604
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 5:30 PM

She needs to have SS talk to her SO (aka BD). He needs to be the one dealing with this, not her. It sucks, and her heart may be breaking for him, but this is something she really needs to stay out of. 

HappilyBlended
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 5:37 PM

You were right to suggest counseling. This child needs help before unreparable damage is done. Your friend and SD need some help as well so they know how to help this poor little boy to be as mentally and emotionally healthy as possible. They need to be able to properly address the things BM is telling him so. among other things, he's not going to bed thinking she's poor and hungry. 

ramita
by Silver Member on Mar. 9, 2013 at 6:39 PM
1 mom liked this
Counseling is the best long term help, but in the moment she needs to get the BD involved. If he can't then try redirecting him. Say something along the lines of I guess she's working why don't we go draw her a pretty picture and then mail it to her. Then while she's got him drawing start picking out other people for him to draw/color for. Like when he's almost done say would you like to draw a pretty picture for dad/grandma/grandpa. I've gone through similar situation with my SS(he's 7 now 6 at the time) and redirecting is usually the best way to go when that doesn't work then validation and listening is the next best option. If she has questions just message me...
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TakenItDayByDay
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 6:42 PM

Is her SO the father of the kid? I've read through your post a few times and you didn't refer to her as SM but instead GAL (I'm thinking Guardian Ad Litem) so I'm confused about roles.

ETA: Ok, read it again. Maybe you meant gal as in "female." In which case, I'm still confused about roles but at least have that word correct, lol.

6steph7
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 6:44 PM

what do you mean she asked you as a mom (ha!)

I dont get that. Apparently you shouldn't be giving advice if its funny to you

shanlee42
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 6:56 PM
Counseling is best. BD needs to explain that BM is okay and is working a lot. Little ones always want the parent they aren't with. Split homes are harder on some kids than others and the SS is having normal reactions.
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Polkadotted
by Platinum Member on Mar. 9, 2013 at 8:11 PM

Listen to him and be there with a hug.

Polkadotted
by Platinum Member on Mar. 9, 2013 at 8:15 PM

I wouldn't say that she needs to stay out of it.  Yes the father has to take the lead, but she should listen when he's like that.  I would always say things like "I know you miss your mom.  It's hard to be away from the people we love"  and if they asked direct why'd she do that questions I'd often say "I don't know" and leave it like that. But if she's going to be involved long term in this family, she doesn't want to do anything that will make him feel that someone else is rejecting him.

Quoting ejsmom4604:

She needs to have SS talk to her SO (aka BD). He needs to be the one dealing with this, not her. It sucks, and her heart may be breaking for him, but this is something she really needs to stay out of. 


ejsmom4604
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 9:40 PM

I get that, already going through that with my SS, and he isn't even living with us (yet, long story). I simply respond "Daddy will be able to answer that question better than I can." Which is the truth. DH knew BM, I didn't. He would know more of why she is the way she is than I would, or that the mother would. Plus, there is an extreamly fine line there. A child, especially at that age, can very easily misunderstand things (not what you put, but in general), and only will remember certain parts. In no way would I want him to feel like I am trying to dismiss his BM either. Kwim?

Quoting Polkadotted:

I wouldn't say that she needs to stay out of it.  Yes the father has to take the lead, but she should listen when he's like that.  I would always say things like "I know you miss your mom.  It's hard to be away from the people we love"  and if they asked direct why'd she do that questions I'd often say "I don't know" and leave it like that. But if she's going to be involved long term in this family, she doesn't want to do anything that will make him feel that someone else is rejecting him.

Quoting ejsmom4604:

She needs to have SS talk to her SO (aka BD). He needs to be the one dealing with this, not her. It sucks, and her heart may be breaking for him, but this is something she really needs to stay out of. 



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