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should the mom's wishes always be respected?

Posted by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 7:28 PM
  • 26 Replies

If a mom doesn't want a step mom to do a certain thing for their child because she feels it's overstepping do you think she should still do it because her DH wants her to? 

by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 7:28 PM
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CodeBlue
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 7:34 PM
2 moms liked this
Always? No.
Within reason? Sure.

Example: BM doesn't want me around her children. She doesn't want me to play with them, hug them, or care for them. That's unreasonable.
But BM not wanting them to call me mom? Sure, DF and I will enforce that.
BM not wanting me at PT conferences/doc appt/etc...it's not worth the drama. I stay home. Is it reasonable? Maybe. Definitely reasonable for me to stay home if that means less stress for DF. I don't do it for her. I do it for him.


Quoting ginamom512:

If a mom doesn't want a step mom to do a certain thing for their child because she feels it's overstepping do you think she should still do it because her DH wants her to? 


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ginamom512
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 7:35 PM

I think her not wanting you at a ptc is very reasonable thats between the teacher and the parents. 


Quoting CodeBlue:

Always? No.
Within reason? Sure.

Example: BM doesn't want me around her children. She doesn't want me to play with them, hug them, or care for them. That's unreasonable.
But BM not wanting them to call me mom? Sure, DF and I will enforce that.
BM not wanting me at PT conferences/doc appt/etc...it's not worth the drama. I stay home. Is it reasonable? Maybe. Definitely reasonable for me to stay home if that means less stress for DF. I don't do it for her. I do it for him.


Quoting ginamom512:

If a mom doesn't want a step mom to do a certain thing for their child because she feels it's overstepping do you think she should still do it because her DH wants her to? 




CodeBlue
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 7:39 PM
Meh, she brings her SO to that stuff but flips shit if I even just stay in the car. Like I said, I don't do that for her.
It would be reasonable if her SO had to stay away too. But it's not worth it to me or DF to cause drama.


Quoting ginamom512:

I think her not wanting you at a ptc is very reasonable thats between the teacher and the parents. 



Quoting CodeBlue:

Always? No.

Within reason? Sure.



Example: BM doesn't want me around her children. She doesn't want me to play with them, hug them, or care for them. That's unreasonable.

But BM not wanting them to call me mom? Sure, DF and I will enforce that.

BM not wanting me at PT conferences/doc appt/etc...it's not worth the drama. I stay home. Is it reasonable? Maybe. Definitely reasonable for me to stay home if that means less stress for DF. I don't do it for her. I do it for him.





Quoting ginamom512:

If a mom doesn't want a step mom to do a certain thing for their child because she feels it's overstepping do you think she should still do it because her DH wants her to? 







Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 9, 2013 at 7:42 PM
You've been a busy bee today posting. I'm trying to catch up.

I think it depends on the specific situation and what it is dad is asking SM to do for him. If it's to do laundry or to cook a meal or to pick up the kid or to help the kid with math bc SM is an accountant and dad can't multiply 2x2 .. Or .. Something that dad is delegating because he needs help, I don't know why mom would be bothered by it. Dad asking his wife to do something that would help him domestically has nothing at all to do with mom.

If it is something outside of the home that mom is capable of doing for dad, like a dr appointment or signing a kid up for soccer or going to a PT conference or have the sex talk, getting a hair cut, I'm sure I'm leaving a ton out, then yes, if mom would prefer to do those things for her child when dad isn't available to do, then yes Mom's wishes should be respected. This is also her child. I am of the belief that what happens at dad's is between dad and the kid. Mom should not interfere. But that applies within the home. When it starts leaking out in to the school, to the dr office, then the other parent should be given the choice to do for their child and not have it 'delegated' out to a non parent when there is a willing parent available.

My opinion goes for both homes. If there is something that dad really wants to do for and with his kid, say it's sign him up for baseball because that's going to be their thing together or have the sex talk with his son, then mom should respect dad and not delegate to stepdad.

I think too many people get wrapped up in that they love their skid and they do so much for them, they are just as important, they are a role model for this child and they would die for them, that they forget that this child had two parents in the beginning that decided to be parents. The marriage or relationship didn't work out. But they didn't give up on their relationship with their kid. They still want to be that parent they promised to be when they decided to bring the child in to this world. And remarriage does not change that OR give a non parent rights to just stomp on the feelings and beliefs of the other parent.
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ginamom512
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 7:42 PM

Yes I do think her DH has to stay out as well it needs to be fair. 


Quoting CodeBlue:

Meh, she brings her SO to that stuff but flips shit if I even just stay in the car. Like I said, I don't do that for her.
It would be reasonable if her SO had to stay away too. But it's not worth it to me or DF to cause drama.


Quoting ginamom512:

I think her not wanting you at a ptc is very reasonable thats between the teacher and the parents. 



Quoting CodeBlue:

Always? No.

Within reason? Sure.



Example: BM doesn't want me around her children. She doesn't want me to play with them, hug them, or care for them. That's unreasonable.

But BM not wanting them to call me mom? Sure, DF and I will enforce that.

BM not wanting me at PT conferences/doc appt/etc...it's not worth the drama. I stay home. Is it reasonable? Maybe. Definitely reasonable for me to stay home if that means less stress for DF. I don't do it for her. I do it for him.





Quoting ginamom512:

If a mom doesn't want a step mom to do a certain thing for their child because she feels it's overstepping do you think she should still do it because her DH wants her to? 









momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 9, 2013 at 7:51 PM
I have a great example. My ex wanted to teach dd to ride a bike from like age 3. Dd never was interested. She didn't decide to try a bike until she was about 7. She just didn't like bikes and was scared. I met dh when dd was 7. He was completely shocked that she didn't know how to ride a bike and kept saying you need to get her on the bike and teach her. Well she didn't want to ride. Dad had told me around the same time that he wanted to teach her but since he was on supervised visits he couldn't really teach his kid to ride a bike. We asked him in therapy one day if it would be ok for dh to teach her since dad couldn't see her outside of the visitation center. I told him we would wait but it was up to him. At first he asked us to wait. But the dd started to want to ride so she started telling her dad at visits that she wants to learn to ride the bike. So ex emailed and asked if someone would teach her since he could not do it.

The point is, I respect my ex enough to wait. He wanted to teach his only child how to ride a bike. My husband was eagerly bouncing up and down saying 'someone anyone needs to teach her to ride'. I said no. It's dads decision. He has wanted to do this for a long time and I think it would literally break his heart if we did that. It was done out of respect for Dad and his relationship with his daughter. Even though my husband ended up being the one to teach dd to ride a bike, dad found something else that he could teach her. He taught her to rollerblade.

I wish that dad would have had enough respect for me when he asked Sm to give our 10 year old the sex talk. She is a girl. Moms generally give this talk if they are available. I was available but waiting for a more appropriate time to talk to her about such a very important and sensitive topic. But my wishes were ignored and I do feel robbed of that time with my daughter. Even with that said, I still do not regret how I handled the bike thing. I know I did the right thing. And my ex can never say that my dh has overstepped his place. My dh knows dd has a father. He respects him and he lets him be her father. There is no competition there. For whatever reason, when it comes to women, it's just a big competition of, I'm a better mom or mom sucks and I know what's best. I just will never understand.
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Amy1973Potts
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 7:53 PM
1 mom liked this
No. Not always. If its not harming the kids, and ondads visitation time, BM needs to butt out.
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Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Mar. 9, 2013 at 8:07 PM
5 moms liked this

Respected? Yes, as in given thoughtful consideration

Followed: No, not always.

Would BM follow each and every request, wish, etc from BD?

It's unfair for either parent to have total control, unless it was ordered by the courts for the protection of the parents and child.

I don't think BM should be able to tell BD how to parent any more than BD should be able to tell BM how to parent. Both parents need to realize that it isn't about THEM, it's about the child/children. 

Chaoz_Girl7311
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 10:09 PM
2 moms liked this
what BF and SM do on THEIR time with the child is their decision not BMs.
packermomof2
by on Mar. 9, 2013 at 11:13 PM


Quoting Chaoz_Girl7311:

what BF and SM do on THEIR time with the child is their decision not BMs.


It isn't SM's time. The same as the child isn't SM's child, so SM shouldn't have more decision making power than the parent, even if it isn't that parents time.  SInce kids aren't time shares, both parents should be respected and if that is too hard for the SP to do, they have issues.

Another poster said mom should butt out.  Neither mom, nor dad, have to butt out where their children are concerned no matter where their child is.  

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
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