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Sleeping Over/Moving In with SO and SD6 - How to explain?

Posted by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 9:56 AM
  • 34 Replies

Good morning, all... I am hoping to gain some insight and assistance with the following.

SO and I are planning to move in together this summer. At that point we will have been together for a year. He and BM have been split for 3 years. SD6 and I get along great (he has 50/50). We have been doing things together as a threesome since December (I am the first woman that SO has ever introduced her to... he waited until he knew that we were really serious before the introduction).

SO recently bought a new house and I have been an active participant in the household since he bought it. Doing things there, making dinner for the three of us, spending time on the weekends, etc. I wanted to let her see that I was a part of the household from the beginning in order to make the transition easier when I move in. Also, as a childless woman in her 40's who has spent a large part of the last decade on her own, it's important to me that I immerse myself in this lifestyle completely to make sure that everyone is happy with it (this is uncharted territory for all three of us). Last weekend I spent the night. The following morning SD did not seem to make much of it. She was actually excited that I was still there in the morning.

Last night BM called. SD told her that I had spent the night in Daddy's bed. She has concerns about me spending the night in his bed and wanted to bring them to light. SO explained our plans to move in together as well as our planned "immersion" technique. BM has concerns that SD is too young to understand the boyfriend/girlfriend concept and that it's confusing for her. While I completely understand and respect her concerns, I'm feeling like there must be a solution. Clearly we are not the only people who have ever been in this situation. Also, it's not as though SO has had a revolving door of girlfriends in and out of his bed in front of his daughter. I'm the only one.

So does anyone have any experience with explaining boyfriend/girlfriend relationships to a young child? What was the outcome? SO and I are both a little out of our element here and I'm trying to come up with a solution that will satisfy everyone.

by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 9:56 AM
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Replies (1-10):
needsupport100
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 10:00 AM
1 mom liked this

you wont satisy EVERYONE especially bm.

do what works for you the kids and your man. bm.......she's not involved, she has no say-if she likes it GREAT if not....shrug and walk away

LovingMy2x4
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 10:07 AM
1 mom liked this

This exactly.

I would have the talk with SD a few weeks/months before you plan to move it. That will give her time to get used to the idea and ask questions that may come up over time. I would also be sure to let her know that just because you are there, doesnt mean she wont have special time with her Dad. And then I would enforce that after you move it. Make sure they have special dates together & quality time so she doesnt feel like you are taking him away. I would also suggest some one-on-one time between you and her before you move in so she gets to know you for you and not as Daddys girlfriend.

But honestly, BM has no say. Your SO can let her know your plans if he wants to, but I dont think he is required to. If they have a good relationship, I would tell him to so at least they can be on the same page when SD asks questions. 

Quoting needsupport100:

you wont satisy EVERYONE especially bm.

do what works for you the kids and your man. bm.......she's not involved, she has no say-if she likes it GREAT if not....shrug and walk away


pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 10:08 AM

Does your DH feel like his daughter is confused?  I think kids handle changes better than we think.  But if BM wants to make a big deal of it, she could make what feels normal and OK to SD something else.

what does BM expect DH to do?  Has he asked?  Has she recoupled?

packermomof2
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 10:09 AM
1 mom liked this

I'd tell my kid what I wanted on that topic and wouldn't want the GF doing it.  I'd explain to my kid that marriage is when you sleep over.  Did I do it that way?  Nope.  And it didn't help the relationship (the first marriage).  I feel that unless you're ready to make the 100% committment (marriage, don't care what other people's beliefs on it are, I'm talking for my kids) you don't "play house"... This isn't about pleasing mom, this is about the example that is being set and not every parent wants their child to think that this type of behavior is acceptable.

"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
Birdseed
by Gold Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 10:12 AM


Quote:

BM has concerns that SD is too young to understand the boyfriend/girlfriend concept and that it's confusing for her.

If I were your DH, I would go to a book store or library and pick up some books with regards to blended families/child psychology.  I would get familiar with age appropriate concerns/methods.  And then I would go back to BM and say, "I thought about what you said with regards to confusion for DD.  I did a little research. Here are some books that I read (hand her list).  The general consensus amongst the professionals is that at her age, it's healthy to see healthy adult to adult relationships, to have any questions answered in an age appropriate way and for the BP to be sure to continue spending quality one on one time with the child.  But that generally, this is actually a very good age to be doing this.  I want the best of DD too so I appreciate you bringing up your concerns and giving me the opportunity to explore the research."

FWIW, DH and BM have a "rule" that before the kids meet the SO, the BP gets to meet the person/talk to them.  I'm the only GF that the kids ever met post divorce.  They've met several of BM's boyfriends.  It's never really been a problem.

I think that acknowledging BM's concerns can go a long way towards a future of peace between the two homes.  However, I think the only one who is likely having mixed feelings or confusion is BM.  If you're the first serious GF her ex has had since they divorced, this may be causing her to have some thoughts/feelings that she didn't realize she still had or were unresolved.  It may also be causing her to feel somewhat threatened that you're going to "take over" or things between her and BF are going to change/get harder.  It's a big transition for everyone.  But probably the person who is going to be least confused and anxious over the whole thing is the 6YO kiddo who is nothing but excited about having a sleepover and making breakfast--not thinking at all about what the two of you are or are not doing in your bedroom.


pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 10:13 AM
2 moms liked this

Two posters suggest to ignore BM, she has no say.  She might - depends on what the CO says.  Some are very restrictive.  But even if she doesn't, why start off antagonizing her?  It is a subtle dance between allowing her inappropriate control and all out war because you blew her off.

Like you said, this is her daughters, and her first experience with DH "sleeping" over.  She might be having an irrational confusing jealous reaction that she could soon get over.  Or she is a controlling bitch who no matter what you do will feel the need to dictate what happens in your home.  You don't really know yet.  Be smart.  Be strategic.

LittleMama2012
by Silver Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 10:14 AM
I can see bm's concerns. She is just worried about how it will affect her child. Now you have explained it to her so she knows what is going on. Dh should talk to SD about you moving in and get her reaction. I agree with the other replies. You can't please everyone. Just be up front, let everyone know what's going on. Take time with SD alone and make sure Dh and SD have time alone. It will all work itself out.
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Birdseed
by Gold Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 10:16 AM



Quoting packermomof2:

I'd tell my kid what I wanted on that topic and wouldn't want the GF doing it.  I'd explain to my kid that marriage is when you sleep over.  Did I do it that way?  Nope.  And it didn't help the relationship (the first marriage).  I feel that unless you're ready to make the 100% committment (marriage, don't care what other people's beliefs on it are, I'm talking for my kids) you don't "play house"... This isn't about pleasing mom, this is about the example that is being set and not every parent wants their child to think that this type of behavior is acceptable.

It doesn't sound like the BM in this case necessarily has the same view as you with regards to the marriage piece.  But I agree with you in that I don't think moving in together is something that should be done unless you're in a committed relationship.  Obvioiusly, no matter how committed a person is, divorce/break ups happen.  But when kids are involved, having a revolving door sure doesn't set a good example.

On the other hand, a lot of people here tell new SMs that they should've known what they were getting into.  It's awfully hard to know what day to day life is going to be like without being in it.  Especially if you don't have kids of your own.  


packermomof2
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 10:24 AM



Quoting Birdseed:

It doesn't sound like the BM in this case necessarily has the same view as you with regards to the marriage piece.  But I agree with you in that I don't think moving in together is something that should be done unless you're in a committed relationship.  Obvioiusly, no matter how committed a person is, divorce/break ups happen.  But when kids are involved, having a revolving door sure doesn't set a good example.

On the other hand, a lot of people here tell new SMs that they should've known what they were getting into.  It's awfully hard to know what day to day life is going to be like without being in it.  Especially if you don't have kids of your own.  

You don't have to sleep over to know what you're getting into.  If you hang out during the day you'll figure it out.  I think we are too lax with the examples we set our kids nowdays - if it feels good, do it.  It isn't about a gf/bf, but about parents living a "do as I say, not as I do" lifestyle.  This is a six year old and a gf wants to explain this to her intsead of staying out of it.  People are saying this is normal - well, for some, sure it is.  But not for all.  And if a GF is already wanting to have this conversation with her boyfriend's kid she is showing she is prone to overstepping in other areas. 

A good solution would be not to have sleepovers when the kid is over.  Kid won't see it and no one will have to explain anything.



"What country can preserve its liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance. Let them take arms."
Thomas Jefferson
to James Madison

"They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Ben Franklin
American Statesman
keri5374
by Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 10:36 AM

 Perhaps I misspoke. I am not planning on having this conversation with SD. SO is looking for advice as to how to discuss and I was hoping to get some feedback here. I would certainly would not presume to have this conversation with her.


Quoting packermomof2:

 

 

Quoting Birdseed:

It doesn't sound like the BM in this case necessarily has the same view as you with regards to the marriage piece.  But I agree with you in that I don't think moving in together is something that should be done unless you're in a committed relationship.  Obvioiusly, no matter how committed a person is, divorce/break ups happen.  But when kids are involved, having a revolving door sure doesn't set a good example.

On the other hand, a lot of people here tell new SMs that they should've known what they were getting into.  It's awfully hard to know what day to day life is going to be like without being in it.  Especially if you don't have kids of your own.  

You don't have to sleep over to know what you're getting into.  If you hang out during the day you'll figure it out.  I think we are too lax with the examples we set our kids nowdays - if it feels good, do it.  It isn't about a gf/bf, but about parents living a "do as I say, not as I do" lifestyle.  This is a six year old and a gf wants to explain this to her intsead of staying out of it.  People are saying this is normal - well, for some, sure it is.  But not for all.  And if a GF is already wanting to have this conversation with her boyfriend's kid she is showing she is prone to overstepping in other areas. 

A good solution would be not to have sleepovers when the kid is over.  Kid won't see it and no one will have to explain anything.

 

 


 

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