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What would you like to see from BM?

Posted by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 2:50 PM
  • 26 Replies

I am a BM and an SM so I can understand things from both sides.

BF recently started dating a girl about 6 months ago.  Very quickly, they moved in together.  When they first started dating, I (as BM) went and introduced myself to her and gave her my contact info in case she needed to reach me for something regarding DS.  I told her that it was important to me for DS to see us all getting along in a positive manner.

A few weeks later, she emailed me weighing in her opinion on an argument that BF and I were having.  My new DH and I were thinking of moving an extra 10-15 minutes away from BF to get DS into a better school district.  BF through a hissy fit because of the driving.  Drama ensued, and I did not appreciate his GF weighing in on such a major argument so early in the game when she clearly did not know the background of the situation and why we were contemplating such a move (mainly for school district purposes).

Anyway, that caused a tiff between us back in September and I have never been able to get things on the right foot.  I have tried doing a handwritten apology, I have tried asking her to dinner twice, I have tried inviting her to my son's events and including her in communication, I have been flexible with time given to DH so that DS can go to his girlfriend's daughter's b-day party -- I have tried most of everything.

The problem is that BF and I are not in a good place, and we never have been since our divorce.  So, of course, I have been painted as the devil in every situation.  I trully do want to have a good relationship with this woman, I am just losing hope that it is possible.  I feel like none of my good deeds get me anywhere.

So... SM's.... can you tell me... what would you like to see from BM to get your relationship to a better place?

by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 2:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 2:54 PM
1 mom liked this

hit your ex upside the head with a frying pan-perhaps !?

JDsMom1030
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 2:57 PM

LOL!!!  That's a great idea!  :-)

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 3:05 PM
1 mom liked this

Well, SM in your case is probably only getting one side of the story and feels like she needs to stick up for BF.

I can't get why anyone would be upset about a 15 min drive, but whatever.

You don't need to appease this woman.  I'm  a SM and I wouldn't expect that from BM.  Keep dealing with BF.  But keep in mind that SM is just getting one side of things.  She may not be evil, she just has a limited set of info and she probably doesn't want to go out one on one with you out of fear.  (I wouldn't!)

Just do what you think is right with the information you have at the time. 

packermomof2
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 3:13 PM

As a mom, why do you worry about what dad's gf or wife wants or thinks?  It has nothing to do with her.  If dad can't deal with you without her, that is on him.  If she has an opinion, great, so do many other people and hers shouldn't hold more weight with you than others unless you want it to.  


SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 3:13 PM
I would say that all the trouble you have gone to makes it look like you believe you were in the wrong.

I wouldn't worry about this woman anymore. Manage your relationship with your ex and do what is right for your son.

At this point, BM would need to get her shit together for the sake of SS and his siblings and be more than a once a week phonecall and once a month visit parent.
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JDsMom1030
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 3:19 PM

Interesting viewpoints.   I never thought that my working TOO hard to try to work with her would make her think that I think I am in the wrong.

My ex has said that he intends to marry this woman.  I only care about her because I know she will be a part of my son's life, and I absolutely do not want my son to feel tension between us if I can help it.  I think my son would be better off if we could act like adults and get along.  I was hoping if she could get know me as "DS's mom" instead of as "BF's ex-wife" that we could get to a better place.

Rae706
by Silver Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 3:24 PM

BM and I have as good of a relationship as could be expected, but there are still things that I would like to see change. I would like for her and DH to be able to discuss things like grown ups, without it turning into a screaming match. They get along for the most part, but when there is conflict it is because DH stood up for himself and she didn't like it. I would like to see more flexibility on her part as far as pick ups and drop offs. Right now we do %100 of the driving and BM lives 1.5 hours from us. It's crazy. We don't even get any help from BM when SD has and EC, it sucks. Her logic is that DH moved away from where she and SD live, and I get that to an extent, but they were kids (16-17) and he really didn't have much control over where he lived at that time. I would just like for everyone to work together for SD. I think we all do that for the most part, but I have my complaints. Altogether, we have a pretty good sitch, so I keep my mouth shut.

Things I appreciate about BM, she doesn't put me in the middle of their shit. They disagree and she calls me, but not to talk about their argument, just to work out visitation or whatever we're trying to figure out at that time. I like that she is in no way a stickler about only EOW. We all have very busy schedules and with BM and SD living so far away, we pretty much just get SD whenever we can and BM is fine with that. I like that BM doesn't treat me like I'm less of a person just becuase I'm SM, she respects that we have our own way of doing things in our home and she doesn't ever interfere in the least. I like that when there is a health issue with SD, DH or I can call BM and she will freely discuss any and everything. I like that she doesn't keep anything from us as far as EC's, school, doc visits, etc. I think I like a lot more than I dislike!

Lslk
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 3:33 PM

I am a BM and a SM too. I think that SM definitely overstepped in that situation. It really is none of her business. I applaud you for trying to make it work for everyone involved but if you have to bend over backwards by apologizing for something she has no right to an opinion about then I don't think having a relationship with SM is worth it.

Maybe the SM has come to the conclusion that it is best for everyone that she just stays out of it and that is why she is not willing to have a relationship with you.

At the moment (as a SM) BM and I are cordial to each other. I really don't want it any other way. Yes there are things that I think she could do for her kids but in the end it's none of my business. They are her kids not mine so I am not entitled to have a say on what she does with her kids.

Lslk
by on Mar. 14, 2013 at 3:35 PM

I thought this too!

Quoting SassyMom25:

I would say that all the trouble you have gone to makes it look like you believe you were in the wrong.

I wouldn't worry about this woman anymore. Manage your relationship with your ex and do what is right for your son.


At this point, BM would need to get her shit together for the sake of SS and his siblings and be more than a once a week phonecall and once a month visit parent.


Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 14, 2013 at 3:37 PM



Quoting JDsMom1030:

Interesting viewpoints.   I never thought that my working TOO hard to try to work with her would make her think that I think I am in the wrong.

My ex has said that he intends to marry this woman.  I only care about her because I know she will be a part of my son's life, and I absolutely do not want my son to feel tension between us if I can help it.  I think my son would be better off if we could act like adults and get along.  I was hoping if she could get know me as "DS's mom" instead of as "BF's ex-wife" that we could get to a better place.


If you want to do "good" then try to get it worked out between you and your ex.  The SM-to be person is way less important than getting on the same page with the BF.

You sound very reasonable.  But the most important relationship here is between you and BF.  Not SM. 

You seem very level headed and going in the right direction.  As an SM, I would appreciate that.  But keep in mind what your SM  person is hearing.  The relationship you need to focus on is with BF.

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