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Stepkids close to your age?

Posted by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 1:03 AM
  • 131 Replies

My husband is much older than me and has been married and divorced twice before me. His two daughters are less than 10 years younger than I am and it causes some friction, especially with the oldest.

She is two years younger than me (she is 17) and it's very clear that she doesn't approve of me or the baby brother that will be coming in April.

The 12-year-old treats me like she treats her older sister...she likes to play around with me and asks me to do her hair all the time, but doesn't respect me like an authority figure, asking her father things right after I tell her no.

Anyone else with a situation like this? Advice on how to bridge the gap?

by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 1:03 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 1:07 AM
3 moms liked this

I don't think there's anything you can do. You're 19 and your step-daughters are 17 and 12. They're going to forever view more like an older sister than a parent.

AquariusFemale9
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 1:33 AM

Do you think this behavior could be influenced on my children? That I'm not really a parent and it's just Dad?

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 1:40 AM

Here's the thing, you will never be a parent to your step-children. The biggest issue here is what does your husband expect? If his children are rude or disrespectful to you, does he correct that behavior? Or does he let it slide?

If he lets it slide and his children are permitted to behave however they want, then most likely he will raise the child you are expecting the same way.

If he has expectations from his children as far as their behavior, most likely he will raise the child you are expecting the same way.

Honestly though,  can you REALLY blame is 17 year old for her feelings in this? How would you have felt two years ago to have been given at 19 year old as a step-parent? Truly look at it from her point of view. Understand that you may NEVER have any type of relationship with her at all, and as a result of that, your child will most likely never have much of a relationship with his older sister.

My mom and step-dad are 14 years apart. My step-sister is 13 years younger than my mom. They had a rocky relationship in the beginning, it got a LOT better when my sister was about 16-25. Then it went downhill again (my sister had a LOT of influence over her behaviors and treatment of my family and I from her biological mother).

Is the mother of your step-daughters still involved in their lives?


Quoting AquariusFemale9:

Do you think this behavior could be influenced on my children? That I'm not really a parent and it's just Dad?



AquariusFemale9
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 1:46 AM

The 17-year-old purposefully ignores me, and I totally understand why but what does that mean for the future? She told me she didn't want me to show up at her high school graduation next year and it hurts my feeling that she hates me so much. I talked to my DH about it and he said just to give it time and she'd come around. He punishes her when she talks back to me (grounding, etc) but it doesn't really change her behavior. She is very close to her father and probably feels threatened by me. She is not BFFs with her own mother but was arch rivals with her first stepmother (the 12-year-old's mother). 

I'm not looking to be her mother (she's almost 18) but I would like a mutual civil understanding that I am in her father's life and part of her family now, and not to punish my soon-to-come son purely for existing.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 1:51 AM
1 mom liked this

Honestly, the best advice I can give you is to back off. Don't tell her to do things. Seriously, you are her peer, not an authority figure. Let your husband deal with her.

No one can predict how she'll treat your son once he's born. But, I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't want anything to do with him. Your husband is going to have to lay down the ground rules with her about that. 


Quoting AquariusFemale9:

The 17-year-old purposefully ignores me, and I totally understand why but what does that mean for the future? She told me she didn't want me to show up at her high school graduation next year and it hurts my feeling that she hates me so much. I talked to my DH about it and he said just to give it time and she'd come around. He punishes her when she talks back to me (grounding, etc) but it doesn't really change her behavior. She is very close to her father and probably feels threatened by me. She is not BFFs with her own mother but was arch rivals with her first stepmother (the 12-year-old's mother). 

I'm not looking to be her mother (she's almost 18) but I would like a mutual civil understanding that I am in her father's life and part of her family now, and not to punish my soon-to-come son purely for existing.



tazlover01
by Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 2:11 AM
2 moms liked this
She may be embarassed that her dad has married someone young enough to be her sister. She may have had problems with the first SM becuase of regular kids stuff like you can't replace mom or stuff like that. But this dynamic is totally different. For me if my dad had married someone 2 years older than me back when I was in highschool she would have been very unhappy. Not becuase of me really doing anything intentional to hurt her but because I wouldn't have respected her and my respect would have slipped for him also. I would probaly assume you two got married becuase you were pregnant and that maybe you were a gold digger. By the time I was 25 though it wouldn't have been a big deal and if you were still around and not putting powders in my dads meals and drinks (lol) then we'd have become friends. But right now you really don't know what frame of mind she's in and besides most kids are crazy at that age. Stick to being firm and not just their friend and they will grow to respect you and your relationship will get better. You have to pay your SM dues your price is higher because of the age issue. If she doesn't mistreat her sister then don't worry about the baby. She'll probably be indifferent. And she might be sick of her dad having kids. It gets embarassing at that age for some kids. Hopefully you're an awesome person and just need to be yourself and they will come around eventually. But this is like a get rich quick scheme. Anything worth having is hardwork and takes time. Try not to worry things will either get better with her or they won't but worrying about it won't fix it. Be happy for the new baby and don't force her being around you. Things ususally get better in the future so take care of yourself and the baby and support your husband.
Quoting AquariusFemale9:

The 17-year-old purposefully ignores me, and I totally understand why but what does that mean for the future? She told me she didn't want me to show up at her high school graduation next year and it hurts my feeling that she hates me so much. I talked to my DH about it and he said just to give it time and she'd come around. He punishes her when she talks back to me (grounding, etc) but it doesn't really change her behavior. She is very close to her father and probably feels threatened by me. She is not BFFs with her own mother but was arch rivals with her first stepmother (the 12-year-old's mother). 

I'm not looking to be her mother (she's almost 18) but I would like a mutual civil understanding that I am in her father's life and part of her family now, and not to punish my soon-to-come son purely for existing.


Dana333810
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 6:27 AM

 First and foremost - How old is your husband???

Quoting AquariusFemale9:

My husband is much older than me and has been married and divorced twice before me. His two daughters are less than 10 years younger than I am and it causes some friction, especially with the oldest.

She is two years younger than me (she is 17) and it's very clear that she doesn't approve of me or the baby brother that will be coming in April.<----------- I honestly wouldn't even bother with this. Just leave her be. If she doesn't "approve" of you, oh fucking well. There isn't much she can do about it, and she is almost an adult.

The 12-year-old treats me like she treats her older sister...she likes to play around with me and asks me to do her hair all the time, but doesn't respect me like an authority figure, asking her father things right after I tell her no. She is 12 years old, and her Dad's wife is only 7 years older than she is. Hell no she is not going to respect you as an authority figure LOL. She sees you as Dad's super cool new wife. Leave the parenting up to Dad on this one, honestly.

Anyone else with a situation like this? Advice on how to bridge the gap? The only advice I can give is to just leave the older daughter alone to disapprove and wallow in her own shit, and just be a really good friend to the youngest. You guys will bond much better that way.

 

Dana333810
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 6:28 AM

 I highly doubt it. By the time your baby will be old enough to tell the 'difference', the youngest will probably already be nearing 18.

Quoting AquariusFemale9:

Do you think this behavior could be influenced on my children? That I'm not really a parent and it's just Dad?

 

Dana333810
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 6:32 AM

 She is nearly 18, and I totally agree with your husband. Give her time. From her viewpoint - her Dad has already been in multiple failed marriages in her short life. She probably sees you as the same. Give her time to get used to being around, and see that you are not going anywhere, and eventually she will come around. I wouldn't push yourself on her (functions, ect). Let things fall to their own pace.

 

Quoting AquariusFemale9:

The 17-year-old purposefully ignores me, and I totally understand why but what does that mean for the future? She told me she didn't want me to show up at her high school graduation next year and it hurts my feeling that she hates me so much. I talked to my DH about it and he said just to give it time and she'd come around. He punishes her when she talks back to me (grounding, etc) but it doesn't really change her behavior. She is very close to her father and probably feels threatened by me. She is not BFFs with her own mother but was arch rivals with her first stepmother (the 12-year-old's mother). 

I'm not looking to be her mother (she's almost 18) but I would like a mutual civil understanding that I am in her father's life and part of her family now, and not to punish my soon-to-come son purely for existing.

 

Dana333810
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 6:34 AM

 Taz has one hell of a good point here.

Quoting tazlover01:

She may be embarassed that her dad has married someone young enough to be her sister. She may have had problems with the first SM becuase of regular kids stuff like you can't replace mom or stuff like that. But this dynamic is totally different. For me if my dad had married someone 2 years older than me back when I was in highschool she would have been very unhappy. Not becuase of me really doing anything intentional to hurt her but because I wouldn't have respected her and my respect would have slipped for him also. I would probaly assume you two got married becuase you were pregnant and that maybe you were a gold digger. By the time I was 25 though it wouldn't have been a big deal and if you were still around and not putting powders in my dads meals and drinks (lol) then we'd have become friends. But right now you really don't know what frame of mind she's in and besides most kids are crazy at that age. Stick to being firm and not just their friend and they will grow to respect you and your relationship will get better. You have to pay your SM dues your price is higher because of the age issue. If she doesn't mistreat her sister then don't worry about the baby. She'll probably be indifferent. And she might be sick of her dad having kids. It gets embarassing at that age for some kids. Hopefully you're an awesome person and just need to be yourself and they will come around eventually. But this is like a get rich quick scheme. Anything worth having is hardwork and takes time. Try not to worry things will either get better with her or they won't but worrying about it won't fix it. Be happy for the new baby and don't force her being around you. Things ususally get better in the future so take care of yourself and the baby and support your husband.
Quoting AquariusFemale9:

The 17-year-old purposefully ignores me, and I totally understand why but what does that mean for the future? She told me she didn't want me to show up at her high school graduation next year and it hurts my feeling that she hates me so much. I talked to my DH about it and he said just to give it time and she'd come around. He punishes her when she talks back to me (grounding, etc) but it doesn't really change her behavior. She is very close to her father and probably feels threatened by me. She is not BFFs with her own mother but was arch rivals with her first stepmother (the 12-year-old's mother). 

I'm not looking to be her mother (she's almost 18) but I would like a mutual civil understanding that I am in her father's life and part of her family now, and not to punish my soon-to-come son purely for existing.


 

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