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advice on dealing with my step son

Posted by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:52 AM
  • 11 Replies

My step son is 15 years old and living with my husband and I full time. He is basically a good kid but he is ADHD and the oldest (my other 2 step sons are 13 and 11 and still live with their mother). My step son grates on my nerves really badly. He is basically a good kid, he doesn't get it to lots of trouble but is a KNOW IT ALL and constantly making up things and trying to pass them off as fact. When my husband is around he is much more respectful but when my husband is working and not home he tends to be less respectful and doesnt listen as well. He contstantly challenges me on bed time and eating habbits. I am currently pregnant and this is my first child. I want to know how I can be more patient with my step son. There are times that I feel like I might expect too much from him and other times that I feel like he just enjoys pushing my buttons for sport. If anyone has advise I would love to hear it.

by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:52 AM
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alissaplusthree
by Bronze Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 9:03 AM
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If his dad set the rules, then he is challenging his dad, not you.  Change you midset on that one. Then tell your husband when SS disobeys or argues, and let him deal with it.


 ADHD kids are frequently called "know-it -alls" because they lack filters from brain to mouth....every idea, thought, or concept comes shooting out as soon as it crosses the brain. When he makes up stuff, don't argue or correct him. Just say, "Oh, okay."  Who cares if he is right or wrong? 


Not sure what your pregnancy has to do with any of this.


TS9509
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 9:08 AM
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My step son was the same way at this age. He is 17 now and it is better but he still has his days. Sit down with him and your husband and talk to him and see what's going on. My step son did that to me because he wanted to know what he could get away with. I told him that the same rules apply in our house regardless of who is home and who isn't. Also try to do things that involve just you and him. My step sons mom wasn't in the picture much at all and he thought I was trying to replace her. I explained I wasn't but I did in fact love him and care for his well being. Since that day our relationship has been better and at 17 he doesn't think he's to cool to hang out with me.
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Dana333810
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 9:10 AM
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 How long have you and DH been together?

He is 15. Even without ADHD, teenagers are royal pains in the ass. It's in their nature to defy and be difficult. Step situations make it even worse.

If he is not listening to you and challenging you, I would back off. DH needs to step up his game and back your authority and make him listen. If he can't do that - I suggest disengaging from it.

How much do you know about ADHD? If not a lot, educating yourself of the behavioral aspects of the condition might help you understand and gain patience.

 

jakos76
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 10:09 AM

I have been around my ss since he was 8, so for 7 years. My tollorance for his antics was much better when it was only every other weekend. I am sure that some of this has to due with being pregnant. I try and do things with him just us and he communicates with me much more than his father. I am much more hands on with him then my husband becuase my husband has an unpredictable schedule at work. I can rationalize that he is 15 and with ADHD on top of it makes for a bad combination. Thanks for all of the advise, I know that I need to lighten up a bit and just let some of this stuff go.. I also have backed off a lot and am making my husband more of the bad guy but pushing the disipline and rules instead of me doing it all the time. I just wish I could snap my fingers and grow lots of patience so that I didn't have to start my day frustrated with his crap.

alissaplusthree
by Bronze Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 12:54 PM

I think you view yourself like a parent when it comes to enforcing rules and discipline, but want to be a step parent when it comes to tolerating his "antics," and how often he is with his father. 


You don't need to be more patient...you need to pick a side...it will make things easier.






Vicky1975
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 1:44 PM

My tollorance for his antics was much better when it was only every other weekend. I am sure that some of this has to due with being pregnant.

That is normal that your tolerance is much highter when it was only every other weekend. 2 days with a child and then 12 days off is by far less stressfull than having a child all the time. Your pregnancy probably does not help making you more patient. I know that I am not always patient enough with my SS because I have him with me all the time. From time to time I come to the point where I just need to get away by myself and need a break from him. My husband does his best to give me this time whenever possible. You need this time, too.


Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 1:58 PM
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I could be wrong, but I think that if you pick up a child psychology book you'll find that kids test boundaries with different people trying to sort out where they fit.  At 15, it sounds like he knows dad means business.  If dad is comfortable with you reiterating/enforcing the house rules, then do.  

I think that what you're describing is pretty normal at that age even in an intact family.  

Leigh84
by Gold Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 3:24 PM
I'm in the same boat. My oldest step son is 14 he also has ADHD too and it can be very frustrating his grades are bad and sometimes act like a know it all but He is really a good kid. Both my step sons lived w/us full time untill recently BM wanted to become more involved again so she can try to help him so we started rotating weeks and doing 50/50. I'm not sure if this is going to help but I really hope it does. Sometimes it just seems like he doesn't care. Sometimes I do have to take a deep breath take a step back and let DH handle the situation. How involved is BM in your sitch? I'm sorry I don't have a whole lot of advice just know you're not alone and sometimes take a step back maybe.
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krazykiddles
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:50 PM

Not your kid not your problem.  Simply tell DH and let it go.

strugglinsm
by on Mar. 17, 2013 at 12:13 AM
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Similar situation w/9 yr old sd. I just ignore her as much as humanly possible when she's "pushing my buttons" for sport as you say (love that!) When dads not here & I have to deal w/it on my own, I call her out & discuss w/ him when he gets in. He supports me & together we tell her the consequences ( no tv, computer, whatever) & why. It doesn't stop behavior altogether but less frequent. We just try to address it the same way each time
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