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advice on pre teen girls

Posted by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 5:45 PM
  • 31 Replies
I am a stepmom to an 11 year old girl. My husband has full custody of her and has since before we were married. I have been in her life from birth and have been her stepmom since she was 5. I have a 17 year old son and a 4 month old son with my husband. My 17 year old had an issue with my husband at first, but got over it quickly. She has had a problem with me the whole time we've been together. I am strict when it comes to the rules of the home. Her rules are no different than those of my oldest. She lies about me and her dad to others. I have tried numerous times to spend girl time with her. I also encourage one on one time with her and her dad. She is about to have to go live with her mom because she won't stop acting out. I won't allow her to be with me without my husband now because I'm afraid of what she'll lie about. I have 2 kids of my own to think about. I don't want her to think her dad is choosing me over her. Truth is he's choosing his family over her lies. She is already in counseling and talks to our pastor often. Will this ever get better? I've already moved out once because of her and lived apart for over a year.
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 5:45 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mz_erica03
by Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 5:52 PM

How long has she been in counseling?

My SD turns 11 in May and before her I had no experience with girls. So I can relate.

lovemyboys1978
by on Mar. 15, 2013 at 5:56 PM
just started talking to someone other than our pastor a couple of weeks ago. I can be harsh sometimes and I sugarcoat nothing. I was raised with 13 male cousins!! My 17 year old is a wonderful, well adjusted kid. I raised him alone for 10 years of his life. Never thought I would be looked at like a horrible parent. I am proud of the way I raised him and hope to do the same for my baby.
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 6:35 PM
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Whenever I read this sort of thing, especially when the child has had the same situation over a long period of time, I just thank my lucky freaking stars.  My SDs don't pull stuff like this at all.  I came into their lives when they were around 10/11 ish and they're now 13/15.  I can't imagine being in your shoes, especially if I had been there so long.  I'm sorry.  I don't even know what to say.  

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 7:58 PM

So you entered this girls life at birth, your Dh has had full custody before you got married when she was five, and she has never liked you?

i don't think your problem is that she is a pre-teen.  Why doesn't she like you? Any guesses? What lies does she make up about you?  If you live with her, how do you never spend time alone with her?

elisesmom922
by Silver Member on Mar. 15, 2013 at 8:14 PM
2 moms liked this

Sounds like more than pre-teen girl issues. There is something else going on somewhere for her to totally dislike you for 11 years. There is more to this story.

lovemyboys1978
by on Mar. 16, 2013 at 6:15 AM

Her dad takes her to her grandma's before school and she goes to an after school program til he gets off. She hasn't disliked for 11 years. Just started when we got married. I've known her for her entire life. She can't stand that I don't baby her like her mother. I won't ever. I didn't baby my oldest son. He is very loving and well mannered. She learned early on in life how to manipulate. I caught on quicker than her bioligical parents. I use to be her sole caretaker. My husband was an otr truckdriver and gone 3+ weeks at a time and her mother was not granted any custody til about 2 years ago. I quickly became "evil stepmom". I am strict and rigorous in my schedules and rules. We live a very busy lifestyle. My son is very involved with after school activities so we were on the go constantly. No time for her meltdowns. She is more content with sitting in front of the tv. That doesn't happen at our house. I've tried very hard to get her involved in things, but had no luck. Her BM is remarried now and she treats her stepdad just as bad. He just doesn't say much. She only sees them on the weekends. I am with her through the week

missjomarie
by on Mar. 16, 2013 at 8:29 AM
I dealt with something similar last year. My SD was 8 at the time, but she was going through a lot of change at once. (I.e. Her bm lost custody of her, she began to live with us almost full time, and I was pregnant.) She began to act out, attempt running away to bm's, hit me, rip up pictures with me in them, etc.

It came to a lot of long conversations between dh and sd, counseling and then long conversations between sd and I. Have you asked her what she's feeling? Maybe she is simply thinking a lot about her situation and is upset she doesn't see bm more?

I know my sd still gets sad,and even angry at bm and takes it out on me. I'm the nearest adult female.

Just a thought... Also, you have to take into account it isntgoing to be the same raising your sd as your ds. She's a different kid, living with a different situation. Just a thought!
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Purgatorian
by Member on Mar. 16, 2013 at 8:49 AM
What's the counselor say? If she has been with dad since birth, and just recently with BM again at times, maybe the issue is with BM and you're the one getting the anger?

I don't know that I could have been sole caretaker for my SDs. They had little to no respect for female authority figures and acted out occasionally, but I made their father deal with them and any behavior issues. His kids, his job. Only time I had them on my own was few and far between or for a few hours a day.

Step parents should not be the primary caregivers in kids lives. Parents should be. Its to hard to deal with kids of broken marriages, especially when they look at the step.as part of the problem most times.

Your husband needs to be with her, take care if her the majority if the time. Step parents should be no more than a glorified babysitter. You help your DH with decisions behinds the scenes with his kids, but HE needs to be the one that dishes out the schedule, chores, and discipline when needed.

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GypsyRayne
by Member on Mar. 16, 2013 at 9:24 AM

When I was married to my ex, his dd moved in with us at 8 years old. Her mom didn't have much to do with her, treated her differently than she did her brother. She took out her anger at her mom on me.

Could this be what your sd is doing?

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Mar. 16, 2013 at 10:56 AM
1 mom liked this


OK, so she hasn't liked you since she was 5.  That still says it is more than a pre teen issue.

Honestly?  It sounds like you don't like her and that you never have and you really don't like BM.  How did you know her since birth?  Were you family friends?  Did you have a falling out with BM?

and your screenname also says a lot.  If I had to guess,I would say you made it since our 4 month old was born.  It just be hard to have a SM that doesn't like you.  What does she do that says to you she doesn't like you and why you won't be alone with her?

Quoting lovemyboys1978:

Her dad takes her to her grandma's before school and she goes to an after school program til he gets off. She hasn't disliked for 11 years. Just started when we got married. I've known her for her entire life. She can't stand that I don't baby her like her mother. I won't ever. I didn't baby my oldest son. He is very loving and well mannered. She learned early on in life how to manipulate. I caught on quicker than her bioligical parents. I use to be her sole caretaker. My husband was an otr truckdriver and gone 3+ weeks at a time and her mother was not granted any custody til about 2 years ago. I quickly became "evil stepmom". I am strict and rigorous in my schedules and rules. We live a very busy lifestyle. My son is very involved with after school activities so we were on the go constantly. No time for her meltdowns. She is more content with sitting in front of the tv. That doesn't happen at our house. I've tried very hard to get her involved in things, but had no luck. Her BM is remarried now and she treats her stepdad just as bad. He just doesn't say much. She only sees them on the weekends. I am with her through the week



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