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Friend or parent???

Posted by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 8:48 PM
  • 16 Replies
So this may be a stupid question, but somehow it seems maybe we should choose the wrong route too... BM - who btw just got divorced again - does not "care" about SD's homework at all... She cares more about sports and such... So we heard today that SD says she is afraid to talk to us cause we are always on her butt about school... Now mind you the last school year she is behind on assignments every other week... Do we stop doing that to not be the bad guys anymore??? She is going on 14 and we don't want to loose her or have her withdraw completely... Just today we found out she has her first sports practice again and we didn't even know she wanted to play... She didn't tell us (so BM says) cause she is scared... Cause we are always on her butt about school (sorry did i mention that already?) so what do we do???
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by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 8:48 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ejsmom4604
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 9:11 PM
2 moms liked this

You do nothing, let DH handle it. He needs to get it through to his daughter that he loves her, and is interested in everything about her, but that school is important and no matter how talented she is in anything non scholastic, she won't get far without an education. But again, your DH needs to handle this. 

Nurick
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 9:16 PM
Okay - i know I'm not the decision maker... But he and I still talk... And he is at a loss and i don't even know what to think! Let alone give him any input... There is no wright or wrong just a whole lot of fear - both ways...
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shanlee42
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 9:25 PM
You do have a right to discuss things with your husband but he has to be the one to address this with his daughter. He needs to express his desire to know what's going on in her life and about what her interests are. I don't think he should stop reminding her about how important school is but if that's the only thing he talks to her about then I can see why she chooses not to communicate other important things to him.
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amantonacci
by Platinum Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 9:34 PM

how often does dad see the girl?

Nurick
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 9:41 PM
That is the problem! It is Not about not having an interest - it is about him being the only one (cause BM doesn't care) making sure she gets her work done. It is not about me talking to her or disciplining her either... He can handle it... What i'm more concerned with is the fact that BM and he have different priorities and i was hoping for advice on whether we should focus on being a friend and not loosing her or continue doing what a parent should do?
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Nurick
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 9:49 PM
We have 50 / 50 had that since she was 5
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strugglinsm
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 10:21 PM
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I don't think you can ever give up parenting to be friends until they're like 30- HA seriously, dh needs to have a heart to heart about why school is so important (if not already done). I always tell mine I wouldn't be on their butt about school if I didn't care about their future. Anyway...sounds like BM is focused on the "fun" stuff & let's dh play bad cop. I feel his pain but no problem being bad cop here! They respect me & know I'm doing what's right for them in the end! Try to make the mundane fun when possible- invite a friend over to study& order pizza
Nurick
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 10:27 PM
Thank you! I appreciate that!


Quoting strugglinsm:

I don't think you can ever give up parenting to be friends until they're like 30- HA seriously, dh needs to have a heart to heart about why school is so important (if not already done). I always tell mine I wouldn't be on their butt about school if I didn't care about their future. Anyway...sounds like BM is focused on the "fun" stuff & let's dh play bad cop. I feel his pain but no problem being bad cop here! They respect me & know I'm doing what's right for them in the end! Try to make the mundane fun when possible- invite a friend over to study& order pizza

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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 18, 2013 at 10:58 PM
I honestly know exactly where you are coming from. Here's the thing. You may not realize it but in your post, you are in competition with BM. You want to do what she gets to do so that SD will like you or prefer you. My opinion is, don't give up. Your husband should stay on her about school because that is what we parents do. She needs to be making the grades and doing the work. There is nothing wrong with being the bad guy in parenting unless its a popularity contest. I am the disciplinarian in my daughters life. I make sure her homework is complete before she is allowed to do anything else. If she makes a failing grade, I am the one telling her that she will go to tutoring to make it up until she understands and that she will not do anything else until then. Am I the popular parent? Probably not. But when she graduates college, she will be thankful that I didn't let her piss away junior high and high school. The pay off is in the end. She may not like it right now but she will be grateful one day.
My daughters father won't allow her to do homework. He says that they don't have time bc he only gets a short amount of time to see her. I don't give a shit! School comes first. Period. We don't get a lot of quality time either bc we are busy raising her and making sure she is doing what she needs to do to grow in to a well educated, respectful member of society. Parenting is not easy and it does not come cheap (meaning you pay the price in lost quantity of time). We have plenty of quality time outside of school work. Right now that is what matters.

Dad needs to find a way to be on her ass about school but also have down time to allow for talks and fun stuff as well. It's a balance and it isn't always easy. I am betting she isn't scared of him but what I think it may be is that she doesn't bring up stuff to him because she doesn't want to hear a lecture about school work. We more involved at school and find out what the schedules are. Get on the email list and know when she has practice. Show up to practice and show his support for her interest in this sport. Then she will start opening up if she sees that he will be ok with her doing a sport. I am betting (my dd goes through this) she may feel that he doesn't support her being in a sport if she does poorly in school. Some parents punish their kids by not allowing sports or ECs. I do not. My child will be in at least one EC outside of school and she will commit to completing the EC, whatever it is. It is not linked to school. She fails school she loses her phone or her nail polish. Something near and dear to her heart. But the activity she is in regardless. Maybe she feels that he won't support her if she isn't doing well in school. I don't think he should give up but maybe he could back down a bit and find interests in her other interests. Show her he is interested in her not just her grades.

My .02 for whatever it's worth.
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krazykiddles
by on Mar. 18, 2013 at 11:31 PM

Let BM and DH talk about it.  You are not them.  It doesn't do you a bit of good to use the "us" term in this group.  Not your kid not your problem is the best theory to have in this group.  DH and BM are capable of parenting their daughter even though they are divorced.  I learned my lesson in this group.  Do not try to help DH at all.

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