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Bracing Myself for InLaws Visit

Posted by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 11:34 AM
  • 8 Replies

 MIL and FIL will be here Friday, staying for 4 days.  I am already worrying about mentally handlng their visit.  They are good people, however, I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack when they visit.  MIL often brings up DH's ex (BM) and I don't want to talk about her nor do I want to hear about her, how their life used to be, things she did in the past (good and bad), whatever, I just don't like to hear it.  MIL also wants to discuss the skids with ME constantly.  Good or bad, she wants to talk and analyze every little thing they do or say.  MIL also talks very, very loud.  I think its because she is hard of hearing, but I feel like I'm being screamed at.  In general, while MIL is a very good person, its hard for me to take her. 

by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 11:34 AM
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Replies (1-8):
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 2:42 PM
1 mom liked this

Redirecting conversations that are going outside of your comfort zone directly and politely may be a good way to go.  If MIL starts talking about BM (good or bad) you could simply say, "MIL, I appreciate that you feel comfortable talking to me about this, but it actually makes me feel uncomfortable.  Let's talk about something else okay? I'm sure you understand."  All with a big smile on your face.  Sometimes people just don't read others well enough to register discomfort.

When it comes to analyzing the kids' every thought, "MIL, I appreciate your input but I think this might be a discussion for you to have with DH since he's the dad."

The noise level thing is something I can totally relate to.  I'm uncomfortable when the volume level gets too loud.  But as you said, MIL is a good egg, she's just hard of hearing. Keep it in perspective.  My guess is that if she didn't like you and respect you in your home, she wouldn't be trying to have all of those other convos with you.

Lastly.  Wine.  Or Xanax.  Just don't mix 'em.  ;)

LovingMy2x4
by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 2:50 PM
1 mom liked this

My SO's sister talks about BM to me all the time too. Never in the good way. And I hate it!!! I usually end the convo real quick by saying "I dont want to have this convo right now. I dont like talking about BM when skids are around." Im not sure if your skids will be there or not, but thats a very easy out. Even if they are sleeping. You just never know with kids and those little ears!!!!

bottomline
by Silver Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 3:12 PM

 Have a couple different ways to redirect her questions.  So people are naturally nosy and ask tons of questions not even considering the other person's feelings.  You don't have to tolerate an inquisition, and you can still be polite about it.  MIL needs to know there are lots of topics you can discuss that are even fun to talk about.  Have some topics handy for when you need them. I have found that after a couple of redirects most people get the idea. 

rebeccasmly
by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 3:34 PM
I like this response. Especially the wine.
Quoting Birdseed:

Redirecting conversations that are going outside of your comfort zone directly and politely may be a good way to go.  If MIL starts talking about BM (good or bad) you could simply say, "MIL, I appreciate that you feel comfortable talking to me about this, but it actually makes me feel uncomfortable.  Let's talk about something else okay? I'm sure you understand."  All with a big smile on your face.  Sometimes people just don't read others well enough to register discomfort.

When it comes to analyzing the kids' every thought, "MIL, I appreciate your input but I think this might be a discussion for you to have with DH since he's the dad."

The noise level thing is something I can totally relate to.  I'm uncomfortable when the volume level gets too loud.  But as you said, MIL is a good egg, she's just hard of hearing. Keep it in perspective.  My guess is that if she didn't like you and respect you in your home, she wouldn't be trying to have all of those other convos with you.

Lastly.  Wine.  Or Xanax.  Just don't mix 'em.  ;)

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 4:10 PM

 I am zeroing in on the wine suggestion too.  :)

Quoting rebeccasmly:

I like this response. Especially the wine.
Quoting Birdseed:

Redirecting conversations that are going outside of your comfort zone directly and politely may be a good way to go.  If MIL starts talking about BM (good or bad) you could simply say, "MIL, I appreciate that you feel comfortable talking to me about this, but it actually makes me feel uncomfortable.  Let's talk about something else okay? I'm sure you understand."  All with a big smile on your face.  Sometimes people just don't read others well enough to register discomfort.

When it comes to analyzing the kids' every thought, "MIL, I appreciate your input but I think this might be a discussion for you to have with DH since he's the dad."

The noise level thing is something I can totally relate to.  I'm uncomfortable when the volume level gets too loud.  But as you said, MIL is a good egg, she's just hard of hearing. Keep it in perspective.  My guess is that if she didn't like you and respect you in your home, she wouldn't be trying to have all of those other convos with you.

Lastly.  Wine.  Or Xanax.  Just don't mix 'em.  ;)

 

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 20, 2013 at 4:14 PM

I love me some wine.  But in all seriousness..just cut her off on those discussions.

Take it back to basics...psych 101.  When you, I feel, because, I'd like you to.....

rebeccasmly
by on Mar. 20, 2013 at 4:43 PM

Wine works for many situations. :-)

I will be enjoying a nice glass or two after my company leaves tonight and our house can go back to normal. :-)

Quoting OvrMyHead:

 I am zeroing in on the wine suggestion too.  :)

Quoting rebeccasmly:

I like this response. Especially the wine.
Quoting Birdseed:

Redirecting conversations that are going outside of your comfort zone directly and politely may be a good way to go.  If MIL starts talking about BM (good or bad) you could simply say, "MIL, I appreciate that you feel comfortable talking to me about this, but it actually makes me feel uncomfortable.  Let's talk about something else okay? I'm sure you understand."  All with a big smile on your face.  Sometimes people just don't read others well enough to register discomfort.

When it comes to analyzing the kids' every thought, "MIL, I appreciate your input but I think this might be a discussion for you to have with DH since he's the dad."

The noise level thing is something I can totally relate to.  I'm uncomfortable when the volume level gets too loud.  But as you said, MIL is a good egg, she's just hard of hearing. Keep it in perspective.  My guess is that if she didn't like you and respect you in your home, she wouldn't be trying to have all of those other convos with you.

Lastly.  Wine.  Or Xanax.  Just don't mix 'em.  ;)

 


Seychelles1409
by Gold Member on Mar. 21, 2013 at 11:34 PM
1 mom liked this

Here's an idea I've used:  You be the one to lead the conversations as much as you can.  Talk about DH and what the two of you have been up to, your plans for the visit, ask her about how she and FIL are doing, their health, etc; people love to talk about themselves.  Show her photos of your family (even if you have to start taking some!  Take a few special ones of her son to give to her.  She will love that and it will add to your safe conversation topics).  Do things with her that are condusive to other types conversation.  Cook together, shop, play cards, watch movies and do as much with DH and FIL around as possible.   Good luck.  

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