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my stepdaughter and my family falling apart

Posted by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:16 AM
  • 44 Replies

my 16 yr old stepdaughter moved into our home in January.  She is a problem child.  Since she has moved in our house has turned in one big house of drama.  I have joined a small group at church for stepmoms.  It does not seem to be helping me cope much.  I have an 18 yr old daughter who is graduating this yr.  She gets out of school 1/2 day each day and works a part time job thurs - Sunday.  My 18 yr old picks up her stepsister from school every day at 3 and also picks up my 6 yr old daughter from daycare on three of those days. The other 2 days the school bus gives my 16 year old a ride to my daughters work and I pick her up when I get off work.  My 16 yr old stepdaughter is defiant and disrespectful.  She feels like she is asked to do too much around the house.  This past week my husband felt like it was too much asking her to clean the bathroom including the bathtub she uses when my daughter cleans the downstairs 1/2 bath that she uses.  My 18 yr old helps out around the house by vacuuming, mopping, dusting, washing towels, etc.  My stepdaughter does very little in comparison.  However, my husband felt it was unfair for his daughter to have to clean a bathtub all the time that is used by all three girls.  Caused a major blowup.  My 18 yr old is tired of doing for this girl and not getting a simple thank you in return.  She takes her to her counseling sessions and any other appts that come up that myself or my husband cannot take the 16 yr old to.  I feel like alot of burden has been placed in my 18 yr old and she is not getting to enjoy her sr year of high school.  I feel like our lives have fell apart.  Maybe I am the one who needs couseling.

by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:16 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ta5
by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:28 AM
Oh my I can related my sd does nothing. My two kids do chores daily. Stick to your guns go to husband tell him you need to discuss all the chores and redivide them. My sd doesn't live with us currently due to disrespect and rude behavior. She is boundaryless ruleless and I can keep talking all day. Good luck. U need it I am sd less for now so I have a happy peaceful home. I am so sorry for your pain
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ta5
by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:28 AM
Oh my I can related my sd does nothing. My two kids do chores daily. Stick to your guns go to husband tell him you need to discuss all the chores and redivide them. My sd doesn't live with us currently due to disrespect and rude behavior. She is boundaryless ruleless and I can keep talking all day. Good luck. U need it I am sd less for now so I have a happy peaceful home. I am so sorry for your pain
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macbudsmom
by Silver Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:30 AM
7 moms liked this

Your sd isn't doing it to your daughter you and dh are. Quit deflecting.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:32 AM
10 moms liked this

This is a DH problem.

You guys are asking an awful lot of your 18YO btw.  I was that kid.  It's frustrating to be such an integral part of the day to day child care fwiw.  I think that were I in your shoes, I'd have a discussion with DH and try to work out a fair split of chores with all of the kids. I'd also start telling DH that when it comes to SD16, he is responsible for making arrangements.  It's really not fair for the 18YO to be responsible for all of that.  ESPECIALLY when there is animosity already.


leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:32 AM

Did she come to live with you because she was a problem child and the mother couldn't manage?

kimkrys1
by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:34 AM
1 mom liked this

first of all yes your daughter is doing alot for a child that's not hers and while your DH thinks its ok now.. what if there is a wreck and his daughter gets hurt? All of a sudden your daughter will be evil and trying to "kill" her or something.  I would stop your daugther from being your SD's taxi service.  That is not your job either.. its your DH's and her mothers job to make sure she gets to where she needs to go ESPECIALLY if she is rude and DH is not backing you up on chores.

A family meeting needs to happen immediately and your daughter needs to be allowed to be a Senior..... not a taxi driver for SD.  Your husband needs to realize that his guilty dad attitude is not going to do anything but hurt SD.  You have to make sure your children are taken care of... he needs to make sure his is as wel.. it will be a battle but it is a hill that I personally would die on if I were in your shoes.  Good luck!

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:35 AM

 Its a big adjustment having a teenager move into your home fulltime so there needs to be time for an adjustment period.  There needs to be a set of rules and expectations that all of the children in the home adbide by and consequences if those rules are not followed.  Your DH needs to be onboard with both the rules and consequences or it isn't going to work.  Work out those with your DH first.  If he doesn't want SD to clean the tub who should be cleaning it then?  I don't see your 18 year old as missing out on too much from what you described but maybe there are other responsibilities she has taken on?  Or maybe the 18yo is going through the adjustment too.  This will take time before the home feels normal again.

momof2cuteboys
by Silver Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:44 AM
3 moms liked this

Let your 18 yr old enjoy her Senior year.  And then you and DH can be parents again and do what is needed for his DD.  You feel like a lot of burden is placed on your 18 yr old because it has.  You made a choice to put it there.  I mean what is the confusion here?  

I think it is okay for kids to help out and work as a team in the family unit.  But you aren't working as a team.  The way you make it sound is your DD is doing most of the house cleaning.  Get a rotation going. Your DD is doing a lot of the transportation... not fair either.  There is a very clear way out of this. 

candyfields
by on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:46 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree with you to some degree.  My husband and his ex make excuses for his daughter and what responsibilities are hers.  Simple things like making her own bed.  Her mother does not feel that is something she should be asked to do at 16.  My husband keeps bringing up that I recently bought my 18 yr old a car for graduation and so I think he feels like she owes it to us to run these errands.  I have probably been an enabler allowing her to take care of these errands for us.  Now I have to remedy the problem. Thank you for your feedback.  I just can't have the 16 yr old getting away with things in my home that I would allow my own children to not get away with.  Doesn't seem quite fair.

Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Mar. 22, 2013 at 11:48 AM
I have the same issue. If she refuses to help with chores then DH needs to address it. Perhaps if she needs rides,and neither you or hubby csn do it.dh and sd can find alternates such as bus or taxi.
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