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I'd prefer you don't

Posted by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 10:09 AM
  • 8 Replies
Bm hasn't seen sd in months. Shes suppose to get sd for spring break. Sd is sooo excited. They skyped last night for the first time right before we took sd out to see Disney on ice. Dh stayed at my in laws with ydd. While we were gone sds great grandma (mim) called dh wanting to talk to sd. Dh and her talked a bit. Mimi told him that bm called and said she didn't knows if she could afford to get sd. Mimi said she told bm that shed get sd if bm couldn't afford it. Dh said that bm hasn't said anything yet. I think shes trying to get money from Mimi. Today odd lost a tooth I forgot to give her a dollar shes too old for the tooth fairy so I said go get it out of my purse. Sd threw a fit about wanting a dollar to be good at the Easter egg hunt today. I told her no. She threw a fit saying she wants to earn money to give to bm because bm is always broke. I felt bad for sd but also a little pissed I wish that lady would stop telling her kid I'm too broke to get you or telling this 8 yr old about her money troubles all together!
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by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 10:09 AM
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Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 10:46 AM

I gave up on that dream.  I decided there were bigger problems.  We have to tell the kids that we can't get or do things because it's too expensive and we've talked about budgets and such. 

Back when OSD was about 4 when BM just had her other daughter, we were shopping and OSD wanted another backpack because she decided she liked that one more.  I told her we got her one and if she wanted another she should ask her mommy.  She told me "Mommy can't spend money on us, she needs to save it for baby S"

shanlee42
by on Mar. 23, 2013 at 11:38 AM
1 mom liked this
It you feel that strongly about it speak to DH. If he agrees he can bring it up to BM.
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minimoo
by Gold Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 11:44 AM
Ugh, I feel for you. I struggle with this somewhat now too. Bf's mother is the ultimate welfare ho and mooch. She is very gifted at manipulation, guilt and lying to get stuff from people. All 5 of her kids started working as soon as child labor laws would allow them and all of that went to mommy (who was paying $200/month for a 4 bedroom house, reduced heating, food stamps, sister buys her cars and pas all expenses on those...she didn't need their money BC she was mooching off of others just fine). What was even more sick about it was she used her children to gain sympathy to get stuff for herself. Every single govt handout, she was on, and she even told me she planned to stay on it for the rest of her life; that plan was interrupted when housing started putting together some fraud on her paperwork, including claiming bf's brother's son, that lived solely with his mom and he refused to even see, lived with her and she was supporting him, so she left to mooch off one of her sons (and BC he gave her unlimited access to his boys to abuse). When she was living with him, whenever he would buy his kids new clothes, she would steal them, return them and keep the money for herself. I remember one time, when bf and I were still together, our rent check bounced. I looked through the checkbook to see what was going on and saw he had just written mommy a check for $100. I asked him and he started going on about "oh poor mom, they are about to turn her heat off and boss cut her hours, I can't make her be cold!" I called his sil and she looked through hers- another $200 her dh had written for her. That was budgeted for their mortgage payment. We go over to her house and she had just bought herself a new DVD player. Sil and I confronted her saying "oh, so I see now where our money is really going." She got pissed BC apparently, they had been instructed to hide them giving the money to us and lie to us (which not sure how giving a check with her name on it would accomplish that). We both pulled the boys in and explained that she had just wanted a DVD player and lied to them and that it is NEVER OK to hide stuff from your SO or spouse.

Unfortunately, bf, now has the same mentality. He had told me "I want our kids to go to college so they can get a good job and take care of us." I told him "no, I want them to go to college so they can get a good job and take care of themselves and their families." I want to have a good relationship with them and want them to be there for me emotionally and whatnot, but financially, that is not their responsibility. I am capable of being responsible throughout my adult life to build a retirement fund. Just like bf and his mom, who choose not to. My kids shouldn't suffer if I choose to be irresponsible. They don't need that kind of pressure nor would it be morally right for me to do so. ESP while they still kids. Bf started the manipulations w dd. Luckily, she came to me questioning. She was telling me how he whined to her about how he and sm are SOOO poor and don't have a job. We talked about the importance of working hard and if you do, you will have everything you need, then if there's leftover with enough to save for a rainy day, you can get some stuff you want. Then she came home saying "now they are saying they are poor BC mom robs them with child support." I don't discuss cs with her- but dh did explain to her cs is there BC both parents have a duty to support their kids and since we support her full time, cs is supposed to help w the rest AND that he is not ordered an exhorbant amount, nor does he even pay that. (His intentions were to make me out to be the bad guy so she would be mad at me for "making" him have no money, but she was blaming herself bc the cs is for her). Then she recalled his earlier conversation about having no job and put the two and two together. Now she comes home "bf and sm asked me to take money from you guys and give to them BC it's not 'fair' (w air quotes) that we have money and they don't. I told them we have money BC you guys work hard, so it is fair." We also talked about it is not OK to ask people to steal for you.

I guess my suggestion would be to explain to SD that her mom is not her responsibility. If her mom is broke, it is because of choices she has made, and she has plenty of avenues available to help her. No child should feel that pressure and responsibility, esp from a parent who doesn't take care of them. That's one thing I learned w dealing w bf and his family over the years...giving in to the mooching really does them no favors. It is just enabling them which hurts them more in the long run. They are not my responsibility and they are DEF not dd's. They are capable of working but choose not to.
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mamaBerg85
by Silver Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 1:24 PM
Thats exactly how I feel ladies I understand going into the store. when ur kid begs for a toy u talk to them about budget and we cant afford toys whenever you want something. I know what it's like to be sooo dirt poor u have to get food stamps or live off govt for a bit. I can even see being so broke u cant afford to pick up your kid. (Although I don't know how bm can be that poor she doesn't pay a dime in support and she has family that will help her. She only works enough to pay rent and threatens her boyfriend that she will leave him if he doesn't pay half but they don't even live together. ) I just wish sd didn't feel like she wasn't in bms budget. Instead of putting the once every 5 months vist in ur budget it makes sd feel like she's responsible for bm visiting or not visiting with her. I wish dh would understand that.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 5:18 PM
I could see how this would bother you but quite frankly, teaching kids that it takes money to move mountains is just a part of life and not sheltering kids. I was sheltered. I refuse to shelter my kids.

I let them know we don't have the money right now. We have to save up to do something like that. I have to work to get paid etc etc. my kids are always giving me their money. I refuse their donations obviously but I think it's normal for them to want to contribute and help out when they are feeling the effects of financial struggles. It's healthy and it teaches valuable lessons. BM should never take the money from her kids but there is nothing wrong with them wanting to raise money for mom.

Older generations were charged with helping to support their families. It is common to hear a story from an elder man about how he quit school and worked every day to buy milk for his family or how he went to school and worked every day to make money for his family. Those older generations are hard working and always sacrificed for their families. Our generations and younger are entitled brats that go to college not ever knowing how to work to earn a dollar. I am trying to change the direction of this generation. And I know many others as well. Teaching kids to work hard and help their families has never hurt anyone.

Off soap box
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 5:21 PM
Grandma honker?


Quoting minimoo:

Ugh, I feel for you. I struggle with this somewhat now too. Bf's mother is the ultimate welfare ho and mooch. She is very gifted at manipulation, guilt and lying to get stuff from people. All 5 of her kids started working as soon as child labor laws would allow them and all of that went to mommy (who was paying $200/month for a 4 bedroom house, reduced heating, food stamps, sister buys her cars and pas all expenses on those...she didn't need their money BC she was mooching off of others just fine). What was even more sick about it was she used her children to gain sympathy to get stuff for herself. Every single govt handout, she was on, and she even told me she planned to stay on it for the rest of her life; that plan was interrupted when housing started putting together some fraud on her paperwork, including claiming bf's brother's son, that lived solely with his mom and he refused to even see, lived with her and she was supporting him, so she left to mooch off one of her sons (and BC he gave her unlimited access to his boys to abuse). When she was living with him, whenever he would buy his kids new clothes, she would steal them, return them and keep the money for herself. I remember one time, when bf and I were still together, our rent check bounced. I looked through the checkbook to see what was going on and saw he had just written mommy a check for $100. I asked him and he started going on about "oh poor mom, they are about to turn her heat off and boss cut her hours, I can't make her be cold!" I called his sil and she looked through hers- another $200 her dh had written for her. That was budgeted for their mortgage payment. We go over to her house and she had just bought herself a new DVD player. Sil and I confronted her saying "oh, so I see now where our money is really going." She got pissed BC apparently, they had been instructed to hide them giving the money to us and lie to us (which not sure how giving a check with her name on it would accomplish that). We both pulled the boys in and explained that she had just wanted a DVD player and lied to them and that it is NEVER OK to hide stuff from your SO or spouse.



Unfortunately, bf, now has the same mentality. He had told me "I want our kids to go to college so they can get a good job and take care of us." I told him "no, I want them to go to college so they can get a good job and take care of themselves and their families." I want to have a good relationship with them and want them to be there for me emotionally and whatnot, but financially, that is not their responsibility. I am capable of being responsible throughout my adult life to build a retirement fund. Just like bf and his mom, who choose not to. My kids shouldn't suffer if I choose to be irresponsible. They don't need that kind of pressure nor would it be morally right for me to do so. ESP while they still kids. Bf started the manipulations w dd. Luckily, she came to me questioning. She was telling me how he whined to her about how he and sm are SOOO poor and don't have a job. We talked about the importance of working hard and if you do, you will have everything you need, then if there's leftover with enough to save for a rainy day, you can get some stuff you want. Then she came home saying "now they are saying they are poor BC mom robs them with child support." I don't discuss cs with her- but dh did explain to her cs is there BC both parents have a duty to support their kids and since we support her full time, cs is supposed to help w the rest AND that he is not ordered an exhorbant amount, nor does he even pay that. (His intentions were to make me out to be the bad guy so she would be mad at me for "making" him have no money, but she was blaming herself bc the cs is for her). Then she recalled his earlier conversation about having no job and put the two and two together. Now she comes home "bf and sm asked me to take money from you guys and give to them BC it's not 'fair' (w air quotes) that we have money and they don't. I told them we have money BC you guys work hard, so it is fair." We also talked about it is not OK to ask people to steal for you.



I guess my suggestion would be to explain to SD that her mom is not her responsibility. If her mom is broke, it is because of choices she has made, and she has plenty of avenues available to help her. No child should feel that pressure and responsibility, esp from a parent who doesn't take care of them. That's one thing I learned w dealing w bf and his family over the years...giving in to the mooching really does them no favors. It is just enabling them which hurts them more in the long run. They are not my responsibility and they are DEF not dd's. They are capable of working but choose not to.

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mamaBerg85
by Silver Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 6:09 PM
I get what your saying but I think sd is starting to feel like getting to see her mom is her responsibility.


Quoting momof2ex1:

I could see how this would bother you but quite frankly, teaching kids that it takes money to move mountains is just a part of life and not sheltering kids. I was sheltered. I refuse to shelter my kids.



I let them know we don't have the money right now. We have to save up to do something like that. I have to work to get paid etc etc. my kids are always giving me their money. I refuse their donations obviously but I think it's normal for them to want to contribute and help out when they are feeling the effects of financial struggles. It's healthy and it teaches valuable lessons. BM should never take the money from her kids but there is nothing wrong with them wanting to raise money for mom.



Older generations were charged with helping to support their families. It is common to hear a story from an elder man about how he quit school and worked every day to buy milk for his family or how he went to school and worked every day to make money for his family. Those older generations are hard working and always sacrificed for their families. Our generations and younger are entitled brats that go to college not ever knowing how to work to earn a dollar. I am trying to change the direction of this generation. And I know many others as well. Teaching kids to work hard and help their families has never hurt anyone.



Off soap box

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minimoo
by Gold Member on Mar. 23, 2013 at 8:23 PM
Yep. The one and the same. She is all kinds of special


Quoting momof2ex1:

Grandma honker?




Quoting minimoo:

Ugh, I feel for you. I struggle with this somewhat now too. Bf's mother is the ultimate welfare ho and mooch. She is very gifted at manipulation, guilt and lying to get stuff from people. All 5 of her kids started working as soon as child labor laws would allow them and all of that went to mommy (who was paying $200/month for a 4 bedroom house, reduced heating, food stamps, sister buys her cars and pas all expenses on those...she didn't need their money BC she was mooching off of others just fine). What was even more sick about it was she used her children to gain sympathy to get stuff for herself. Every single govt handout, she was on, and she even told me she planned to stay on it for the rest of her life; that plan was interrupted when housing started putting together some fraud on her paperwork, including claiming bf's brother's son, that lived solely with his mom and he refused to even see, lived with her and she was supporting him, so she left to mooch off one of her sons (and BC he gave her unlimited access to his boys to abuse). When she was living with him, whenever he would buy his kids new clothes, she would steal them, return them and keep the money for herself. I remember one time, when bf and I were still together, our rent check bounced. I looked through the checkbook to see what was going on and saw he had just written mommy a check for $100. I asked him and he started going on about "oh poor mom, they are about to turn her heat off and boss cut her hours, I can't make her be cold!" I called his sil and she looked through hers- another $200 her dh had written for her. That was budgeted for their mortgage payment. We go over to her house and she had just bought herself a new DVD player. Sil and I confronted her saying "oh, so I see now where our money is really going." She got pissed BC apparently, they had been instructed to hide them giving the money to us and lie to us (which not sure how giving a check with her name on it would accomplish that). We both pulled the boys in and explained that she had just wanted a DVD player and lied to them and that it is NEVER OK to hide stuff from your SO or spouse.





Unfortunately, bf, now has the same mentality. He had told me "I want our kids to go to college so they can get a good job and take care of us." I told him "no, I want them to go to college so they can get a good job and take care of themselves and their families." I want to have a good relationship with them and want them to be there for me emotionally and whatnot, but financially, that is not their responsibility. I am capable of being responsible throughout my adult life to build a retirement fund. Just like bf and his mom, who choose not to. My kids shouldn't suffer if I choose to be irresponsible. They don't need that kind of pressure nor would it be morally right for me to do so. ESP while they still kids. Bf started the manipulations w dd. Luckily, she came to me questioning. She was telling me how he whined to her about how he and sm are SOOO poor and don't have a job. We talked about the importance of working hard and if you do, you will have everything you need, then if there's leftover with enough to save for a rainy day, you can get some stuff you want. Then she came home saying "now they are saying they are poor BC mom robs them with child support." I don't discuss cs with her- but dh did explain to her cs is there BC both parents have a duty to support their kids and since we support her full time, cs is supposed to help w the rest AND that he is not ordered an exhorbant amount, nor does he even pay that. (His intentions were to make me out to be the bad guy so she would be mad at me for "making" him have no money, but she was blaming herself bc the cs is for her). Then she recalled his earlier conversation about having no job and put the two and two together. Now she comes home "bf and sm asked me to take money from you guys and give to them BC it's not 'fair' (w air quotes) that we have money and they don't. I told them we have money BC you guys work hard, so it is fair." We also talked about it is not OK to ask people to steal for you.





I guess my suggestion would be to explain to SD that her mom is not her responsibility. If her mom is broke, it is because of choices she has made, and she has plenty of avenues available to help her. No child should feel that pressure and responsibility, esp from a parent who doesn't take care of them. That's one thing I learned w dealing w bf and his family over the years...giving in to the mooching really does them no favors. It is just enabling them which hurts them more in the long run. They are not my responsibility and they are DEF not dd's. They are capable of working but choose not to.


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