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I want to help her

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 24 Replies

Hi I'm new to this group but I have a huge issue. 

Last month I adopted SD. BM is a pot head She's bipolar and all the other works. She tells DH all the time that she wants to sign SD over and never see her again because she doesn't want SD to turn out like her. He finally told her that if that is truly what she wanted then she should do it. Mostly he was trying to call her bluff because she'd always say her biggest fear is that SD will think she's a looser who never tried and I'll adopt SD. She agreed and we took care of everything. We did it fast but asked her if she was sure the whole way along we told her she could still contact SD she told us no she didn't want to. SD is 10 but mentally she is about 7. She hasn't seen SD in about 6 months and hasn't contacted her since the dy she agreed with DH. I thought at some point she would change her mind once reality set in but she never did. (she came close but never did.) DH has contacted her and said he would never change his number and would let her know if we move and he'd send her pictures. She told him thank you and it was all quite a shock to both of us.

My problem is Sd still knows bm as mom she's always called both of us mom and she always has said she has two moms and that's all that she needs. Now that she's going to only have one mom how do we help her cope. I don't want her to totally ever forget about her mom because that wouldn't be fair even more so if mom ever wants to come back into her life. I just want to help SD understand. She is always saying she wants to get BM a gift or do something the next time she sees bm and I try to talk to her and tell her that BM loved her sooo much she wanted SD to have just a mommy and a daddy. I try to hold her and tell her life is going to be ok. I just want to know that at some point she's going to be ok with everything and won't hate me in the end. I have always been the mom, the one who took care of her education,drs appts, therapies and Etc. She's getting ready see a specialist very soon that specializes in child abandonment issues and helping kids cope with death ( it's the best thing I could come up with.) I'm going to ask him a lot of questions like what I'm asking now. I just hope she understands that I love her and that if BM does ever come back I hope that mine and SD can get a chance to really bond as mother and daughter so that sd doesn't try to run and push DH and I away like what we did was bad. How do I help her cope and understand that this was all done for her benefit.

Posted by Anonymous on Mar. 24, 2013 at 12:49 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ejsmom4604
by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 2:03 AM
1 mom liked this

She does still have two mommies. It's just that one has no legal rights to her and the other does. BM, will always be that, her biological mother. But BM has no legal claim, cannot demand visitation, has no say in her upbringing etc. You have those rights now. 

I say this, because soon DH will have full legal and physical custody of SS and BM stands a good chance of having her rights stripped. If that happens, then there is a good chance I will be adopting him. That being said, she is still biologically his mother, just not legally.  Hopefully this made sense.

That all being said, I'm thinking the best approach would be to let her know that her BM is not in a position to actively be parenting, and because of that she (BM) made the decision to have you parent, and be the main mom. Let her know that you don't know what the future will bring, and hopefully someday BM will be in a better place and will be around more. It may also be wise, at this point, to let your DH handle a lot of these questions. He should be the one explaining it. Especially since it seems like your SD has had very little say as to whether she wanted to be adopted by you or not. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 24, 2013 at 2:21 AM

In our state in order for BM to give up her rights sd has to be adopted. DH can't show that he can financially support SD without me. SD did know about the adoption she actually asked for it back when DH adopted DD a few years ago. I don't think she fully understood adoption back then but now when we asked her she understood it a lot more. The thing is BM has had no contact with SD in 2 months because she doesn't want to have anymore contact. I want to help sd deal with this.


Quoting ejsmom4604:

She does still have two mommies. It's just that one has no legal rights to her and the other does. BM, will always be that, her biological mother. But BM has no legal claim, cannot demand visitation, has no say in her upbringing etc. You have those rights now. 

I say this, because soon DH will have full legal and physical custody of SS and BM stands a good chance of having her rights stripped. If that happens, then there is a good chance I will be adopting him. That being said, she is still biologically his mother, just not legally.  Hopefully this made sense.

That all being said, I'm thinking the best approach would be to let her know that her BM is not in a position to actively be parenting, and because of that she (BM) made the decision to have you parent, and be the main mom. Let her know that you don't know what the future will bring, and hopefully someday BM will be in a better place and will be around more. It may also be wise, at this point, to let your DH handle a lot of these questions. He should be the one explaining it. Especially since it seems like your SD has had very little say as to whether she wanted to be adopted by you or not. 



ejsmom4604
by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 3:32 AM

That still would not negate the fact, the she does have two mommies. BM is not legally her mother, but biologically she always will be. Your SD won't be able to just forget about her like she doesn't exist. It's a tough position to be in, I understand that. But I personally would highly advise against telling her that BM is no longer her mommy and just you are. Again, that is me personally. 

Quoting Anonymous:

In our state in order for BM to give up her rights sd has to be adopted. DH can't show that he can financially support SD without me. SD did know about the adoption she actually asked for it back when DH adopted DD a few years ago. I don't think she fully understood adoption back then but now when we asked her she understood it a lot more. The thing is BM has had no contact with SD in 2 months because she doesn't want to have anymore contact. I want to help sd deal with this.


Quoting ejsmom4604:

She does still have two mommies. It's just that one has no legal rights to her and the other does. BM, will always be that, her biological mother. But BM has no legal claim, cannot demand visitation, has no say in her upbringing etc. You have those rights now. 

I say this, because soon DH will have full legal and physical custody of SS and BM stands a good chance of having her rights stripped. If that happens, then there is a good chance I will be adopting him. That being said, she is still biologically his mother, just not legally.  Hopefully this made sense.

That all being said, I'm thinking the best approach would be to let her know that her BM is not in a position to actively be parenting, and because of that she (BM) made the decision to have you parent, and be the main mom. Let her know that you don't know what the future will bring, and hopefully someday BM will be in a better place and will be around more. It may also be wise, at this point, to let your DH handle a lot of these questions. He should be the one explaining it. Especially since it seems like your SD has had very little say as to whether she wanted to be adopted by you or not. 




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Leigh84
by Gold Member on Mar. 24, 2013 at 4:39 AM
1 mom liked this
I was going to say some family counseling but I see you've already thought of that. That's a good start. Also you could do it like an open adoption that way BM could see her every so often and the 2 of them send letters and pictures back and forth. I don't think she'll grow to resent you. One day when she's old enough to fully understand she will know that BM willingly signed her rights away no one out a gun to her head and made her do it.
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ChelseNichole
by Chelse on Mar. 24, 2013 at 8:09 AM
1 mom liked this

I was going to say the same thing. If BM wants no rights, contact, or visitation then I think I would just explain to your DAUGHTER :o) that she won't be seeing her anymore. I know you left it open for her to come back etc but you can't live around the possibility that she may someday decide she wants to see her again. Honestly, she is probably relieved. This was her out and I wouldn't be surprised if you don't ever hear from her. Besides she will realize once she hasn't seen BM in x amount of time. She's wont blame you... She will be angry at her. It's def tough though I see where you want her to know this was bm's decision but at the same time it's like you can't just say... BM never wants to see of talk to you again to a child ya know. I think I would maybe say something like "BM thought I was doing such a good job being your mommy that she wanted me to do it all by myself" or something else to that effect. Good luck!


Quoting ejsmom4604:

That still would not negate the fact, the she does have two mommies. BM is not legally her mother, but biologically she always will be. Your SD won't be able to just forget about her like she doesn't exist. It's a tough position to be in, I understand that. But I personally would highly advise against telling her that BM is no longer her mommy and just you are. Again, that is me personally. 

Quoting Anonymous:

In our state in order for BM to give up her rights sd has to be adopted. DH can't show that he can financially support SD without me. SD did know about the adoption she actually asked for it back when DH adopted DD a few years ago. I don't think she fully understood adoption back then but now when we asked her she understood it a lot more. The thing is BM has had no contact with SD in 2 months because she doesn't want to have anymore contact. I want to help sd deal with this.



Quoting ejsmom4604:

She does still have two mommies. It's just that one has no legal rights to her and the other does. BM, will always be that, her biological mother. But BM has no legal claim, cannot demand visitation, has no say in her upbringing etc. You have those rights now. 

I say this, because soon DH will have full legal and physical custody of SS and BM stands a good chance of having her rights stripped. If that happens, then there is a good chance I will be adopting him. That being said, she is still biologically his mother, just not legally.  Hopefully this made sense.

That all being said, I'm thinking the best approach would be to let her know that her BM is not in a position to actively be parenting, and because of that she (BM) made the decision to have you parent, and be the main mom. Let her know that you don't know what the future will bring, and hopefully someday BM will be in a better place and will be around more. It may also be wise, at this point, to let your DH handle a lot of these questions. He should be the one explaining it. Especially since it seems like your SD has had very little say as to whether she wanted to be adopted by you or not. 






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painNtheazz
by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 8:32 AM

 This.

One thing you have to make sure of is that you don't exclude BM from her life. She is still her BM no matter what, and she will still always have the two of you. I really like the open adoption-ish idea here. If BM wishes for that kind of thing, that is.

Quoting Leigh84:

I was going to say some family counseling but I see you've already thought of that. That's a good start. Also you could do it like an open adoption that way BM could see her every so often and the 2 of them send letters and pictures back and forth. I don't think she'll grow to resent you. One day when she's old enough to fully understand she will know that BM willingly signed her rights away no one out a gun to her head and made her do it.

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Mar. 24, 2013 at 8:52 AM
As of right now she wants nothing to do with sd. She wants pictures but nothing else. Dh doesn't even contact her by phone anymore per her request. I'm not saying forget the lady exist I'm saying I want to help her understand the new situation without thinking that she can by y bms love back in gifts!


Quoting painNtheazz:

 This.


One thing you have to make sure of is that you don't exclude BM from her life. She is still her BM no matter what, and she will still always have the two of you. I really like the open adoption-ish idea here. If BM wishes for that kind of thing, that is.


Quoting Leigh84:

I was going to say some family counseling but I see you've already thought of that. That's a good start. Also you could do it like an open adoption that way BM could see her every so often and the 2 of them send letters and pictures back and forth. I don't think she'll grow to resent you. One day when she's old enough to fully understand she will know that BM willingly signed her rights away no one out a gun to her head and made her do it.

 


painNtheazz
by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 8:57 AM

 Hmmm.....that sounds tricky. Have you asked a professional about methods to try? Honestly in tough situations like this, that is the first thing I suggest. Poor kid has to be super confused, and a childhood psychologist or therapist may be able to help ease her into the new sitch, as well as give you guys helpful tips.

Maybe in the future BM will come around.

Quoting Anonymous:

As of right now she wants nothing to do with sd. She wants pictures but nothing else. Dh doesn't even contact her by phone anymore per her request. I'm not saying forget the lady exist I'm saying I want to help her understand the new situation without thinking that she can by y bms love back in gifts!


Quoting painNtheazz:

 This.


One thing you have to make sure of is that you don't exclude BM from her life. She is still her BM no matter what, and she will still always have the two of you. I really like the open adoption-ish idea here. If BM wishes for that kind of thing, that is.


Quoting Leigh84:

I was going to say some family counseling but I see you've already thought of that. That's a good start. Also you could do it like an open adoption that way BM could see her every so often and the 2 of them send letters and pictures back and forth. I don't think she'll grow to resent you. One day when she's old enough to fully understand she will know that BM willingly signed her rights away no one out a gun to her head and made her do it.

 


 

ejsmom4604
by on Mar. 24, 2013 at 9:04 AM

I really, really think it would be the best thing to let your DH handle this, and like a previous poster said, counseling (I can't believe I didn't think of this lol). 

Quoting Anonymous:

As of right now she wants nothing to do with sd. She wants pictures but nothing else. Dh doesn't even contact her by phone anymore per her request. I'm not saying forget the lady exist I'm saying I want to help her understand the new situation without thinking that she can by y bms love back in gifts!


Quoting painNtheazz:

 This.


One thing you have to make sure of is that you don't exclude BM from her life. She is still her BM no matter what, and she will still always have the two of you. I really like the open adoption-ish idea here. If BM wishes for that kind of thing, that is.


Quoting Leigh84:

I was going to say some family counseling but I see you've already thought of that. That's a good start. Also you could do it like an open adoption that way BM could see her every so often and the 2 of them send letters and pictures back and forth. I don't think she'll grow to resent you. One day when she's old enough to fully understand she will know that BM willingly signed her rights away no one out a gun to her head and made her do it.

 



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amantonacci
by Platinum Member on Mar. 24, 2013 at 10:12 AM

Well if the kid already knows you adopted her and she watched your DD go thru it with your husband, can't you just tell her you did the same thing her dad did with your daughter?

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